Me too. I refer to how I use it as zen nihilism.
So true.
I went through a "breakup" with a favourite person a couple years ago. PArt of the issue was that I was HER favourite person, as well. Whether she actually has BPD or not, I dunno. But it was classic gaslighting and split thinking from her.
The issue, the pain, wasn't just losing the friendship, it was the hot and cold period, it was realizing that I was supposed to be off balance and waiting for her to decide I had been punished enough.
So, my BPD anger kicked in. I cut all ties, called her out on being toxic, returned her keys and stuff she had given me.
Things got worse.
Because we live in the same building, "out of sight, out of mind" wasn't an option.
What really moved me past that feeling of loss and obsession with the event, was forcing myself to confront just how broken and toxic she was, how there was no going back (if for no other reason than, when I burn a bridge, it stays burnt) ever. I forced myself to look at things over and over until it got through to me holding onto the hope of repairing things was pointless, and just self harming.
Irony - She had another friend she treated the same way in the building. Now, I'm friends with teh other person. We both got hurt, we both feel bad for Sandra because of her issues, but, in this case, understanding means knowing she can't be part of my life, and I should let it go.
It took me two years to get back to this point. It IS hard to do. Hopefully, it is easier for you.