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Bpd and relationships

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Huntress1474

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Joined
Dec 28, 2020
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Northamptonshire
Has anyone got any tips on how to deal with bpd symptoms and a relationship break down ,how to stop obsessing over when and if they will message you and just kind of go about your day and focus on yourself
 
OmniscientNihilist

OmniscientNihilist

ACCOUNT CLOSED
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dont get your self esteem from how others treat you, or from your success in the world

 
H

Huntress1474

Member
Joined
Dec 28, 2020
Messages
7
Location
Northamptonshire
I’m not getting my self esteem by how someone is treating me I have bpd and need some tips on working through a relationship break down? That response doesn’t answer my question?
 
Talula67

Talula67

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Dec 23, 2020
Messages
129
Location
United Kingdom
@Huntress1474
I am going through similar and I feel the point to Omni's post was to try and work on self-love and this takes us out of our obsession with our ex.

Don't get me wrong it's hard looking at my part in a relationship breakdown and it's a grieving process we have to go through, DABDA Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. Not in any order, and on any given day.

As someone with BPD we feel things deeply and it hurts so much. I am working on myself and Byron Katie is big on *practicing opposites* from my understanding.

Thanks for sharing this book and I'm going to see if I can get it.

Hope this helps.
 
H

Huntress1474

Member
Joined
Dec 28, 2020
Messages
7
Location
Northamptonshire
@Huntress1474
I am going through similar and I feel the point to Omni's post was to try and work on self-love and this takes us out of our obsession with our ex.

Don't get me wrong it's hard looking at my part in a relationship breakdown and it's a grieving process we have to go through, DABDA Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. Not in any order, and on any given day.

As someone with BPD we feel things deeply and it hurts so much. I am working on myself and Byron Katie is big on *practicing opposites* from my understanding.

Thanks for sharing this book and I'm going to see if I can get it.

Hope this helps.
Oh I’m sorry to hear that and yeah I see your point it’s just like that’s one aspect of moving forwards but especially with bpd tips is useful to share amongst other people cause theirs only so much you can work in yourself before that burns out aswell and what book sorry?
 
W

WhySoSerious

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Joined
Oct 16, 2019
Messages
389
Location
UK
FEEL THE PAIN! If you cut off feeling the pain "short" what you do is never desensitise to the feeling of pain. This is why every relationship ending hurts like it is the first, because we do anything in our power to avoid feeling the emotion. We distract, we blame, we avoid, we check, plead, beg, negotiate and bargain all with the goal of avoiding the pain.

Opposite action is key here and Radical Acceptance. We have to accept that the other person doesn't want to be in the relationship. That the relationship is over. That this hurts. We then have to do the opposite of our urge to check our messages, ruminate, lay in bed wallowing. We have to throw ourselves into the opposite of those things we do. This is NOT EASY! But you have two options - keep wallowing, checking and resisting the facts or you do something different.

I adore radical acceptance but most people don't. They feel it is colluding and agreeing that life is shit. That we have no control over other people and things feels intolerable because we can't accept that life can be random. But when we accept life as it is, and people do/say/believe what they do then life gets a little more tolerable over time. We must accept things we cannot change. Change things that we can and be mindful of when we are resisting reality.

Good luck! The fact you had a relationship indicates you have the ability to have one in the future.
 
H

Huntress1474

Member
Joined
Dec 28, 2020
Messages
7
Location
Northamptonshire
FEEL THE PAIN! If you cut off feeling the pain "short" what you do is never desensitise to the feeling of pain. This is why every relationship ending hurts like it is the first, because we do anything in our power to avoid feeling the emotion. We distract, we blame, we avoid, we check, plead, beg, negotiate and bargain all with the goal of avoiding the pain.

Opposite action is key here and Radical Acceptance. We have to accept that the other person doesn't want to be in the relationship. That the relationship is over. That this hurts. We then have to do the opposite of our urge to check our messages, ruminate, lay in bed wallowing. We have to throw ourselves into the opposite of those things we do. This is NOT EASY! But you have two options - keep wallowing, checking and resisting the facts or you do something different.

I adore radical acceptance but most people don't. They feel it is colluding and agreeing that life is shit. That we have no control over other people and things feels intolerable because we can't accept that life can be random. But when we accept life as it is, and people do/say/believe what they do then life gets a little more tolerable over time. We must accept things we cannot change. Change things that we can and be mindful of when we are resisting reality.

Good luck! The fact you had a relationship indicates you have the ability to have one in the future.
Thanks for the response and you make a very good point I’ve gotten rid of all my social media so I can’t physically check it anymore and I’m just focusing on my studies and family ,how do I feel the pain? Like people say distract and focus on your yourself I accept it’s over & I don’t want it back if I’m honest now cause I’m not ready for a relationship.
 
W

WhySoSerious

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Joined
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Messages
389
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The thing is distracting just stops your emotional grief cycle - whether its anxiety, depression, anger etc. If you distract from the emotions you don't get desensitised to the feelings and they never lessen. It is called inhibited grieving which is a DBT concept. The key really is to acknowledge, sit with and notice the pain of emotions without trying to change them. This takes a huge amount of time and practice and isn't an easy thing.
 
N

Nukelavee

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Dec 17, 2019
Messages
3,404
Location
London, ON
I adore radical acceptance but most people don't.
Me too. I refer to how I use it as zen nihilism.
The key really is to acknowledge, sit with and notice the pain of emotions without trying to change them. This takes a huge amount of time and practice and isn't an easy thing.
So true.

I went through a "breakup" with a favourite person a couple years ago. PArt of the issue was that I was HER favourite person, as well. Whether she actually has BPD or not, I dunno. But it was classic gaslighting and split thinking from her.

The issue, the pain, wasn't just losing the friendship, it was the hot and cold period, it was realizing that I was supposed to be off balance and waiting for her to decide I had been punished enough.

So, my BPD anger kicked in. I cut all ties, called her out on being toxic, returned her keys and stuff she had given me.

Things got worse.

Because we live in the same building, "out of sight, out of mind" wasn't an option.

What really moved me past that feeling of loss and obsession with the event, was forcing myself to confront just how broken and toxic she was, how there was no going back (if for no other reason than, when I burn a bridge, it stays burnt) ever. I forced myself to look at things over and over until it got through to me holding onto the hope of repairing things was pointless, and just self harming.

Irony - She had another friend she treated the same way in the building. Now, I'm friends with teh other person. We both got hurt, we both feel bad for Sandra because of her issues, but, in this case, understanding means knowing she can't be part of my life, and I should let it go.

It took me two years to get back to this point. It IS hard to do. Hopefully, it is easier for you.
 
H

Huntress1474

Member
Joined
Dec 28, 2020
Messages
7
Location
Northamptonshire
The thing is distracting just stops your emotional grief cycle - whether its anxiety, depression, anger etc. If you distract from the emotions you don't get desensitised to the feelings and they never lessen. It is called inhibited grieving which is a DBT concept. The key really is to acknowledge, sit with and notice the pain of emotions without trying to change them. This takes a huge amount of time and practice and isn't an easy thing.
I’m still being assessed if dbt is the right route for me I think it is but don’t have any tools to cope I actually told him I don’t want a friendship with him I want to move on from him and get on with my life which I can’t do whilst he’s still around he then messaged me again it’s like he’s trying to reel me back in so I have said to him “ look if you actually want me in your life then show me the common decency of calling me so we can talk properly if you don’t then please leave me alone “ and I am actually proud of myself for responding in this way because it’s hard for me to let someone go so the fact I’m actively saying look this is how it is or I’m not interested is massive for me I don’t know what radical acceptance is and thank you for your reply , how do I sit their and learn to desensitise how I feel? Every time I get a message my heart goes and I need to spend a good amount of time so I don’t respond in an emotional way
 
H

Huntress1474

Member
Joined
Dec 28, 2020
Messages
7
Location
Northamptonshire
Me too. I refer to how I use it as zen nihilism.

So true.

I went through a "breakup" with a favourite person a couple years ago. PArt of the issue was that I was HER favourite person, as well. Whether she actually has BPD or not, I dunno. But it was classic gaslighting and split thinking from her.

The issue, the pain, wasn't just losing the friendship, it was the hot and cold period, it was realizing that I was supposed to be off balance and waiting for her to decide I had been punished enough.

So, my BPD anger kicked in. I cut all ties, called her out on being toxic, returned her keys and stuff she had given me.

Things got worse.

Because we live in the same building, "out of sight, out of mind" wasn't an option.

What really moved me past that feeling of loss and obsession with the event, was forcing myself to confront just how broken and toxic she was, how there was no going back (if for no other reason than, when I burn a bridge, it stays burnt) ever. I forced myself to look at things over and over until it got through to me holding onto the hope of repairing things was pointless, and just self harming.

Irony - She had another friend she treated the same way in the building. Now, I'm friends with teh other person. We both got hurt, we both feel bad for Sandra because of her issues, but, in this case, understanding means knowing she can't be part of my life, and I should let it go.

It took me two years to get back to this point. It IS hard to do. Hopefully, it is easier for you.
Thank you for your response ,I had a similar thing with an old “ best friend “ it has taken me years to slowly detach myself from her and realise how toxic we was together it’s so hard you truly feel like you can’t function without that person and it’s like I don’t know if she was bpd but again she behaved the same way you have describe about your favourite person ,it’s taken me til I’m 23 years old to fully burn that bridge and like yourself once I burn a bridge it stays burned it’s the best way really
 
H

Huntress1474

Member
Joined
Dec 28, 2020
Messages
7
Location
Northamptonshire
Also would you say that blocking and deleting
FEEL THE PAIN! If you cut off feeling the pain "short" what you do is never desensitise to the feeling of pain. This is why every relationship ending hurts like it is the first, because we do anything in our power to avoid feeling the emotion. We distract, we blame, we avoid, we check, plead, beg, negotiate and bargain all with the goal of avoiding the pain.

Opposite action is key here and Radical Acceptance. We have to accept that the other person doesn't want to be in the relationship. That the relationship is over. That this hurts. We then have to do the opposite of our urge to check our messages, ruminate, lay in bed wallowing. We have to throw ourselves into the opposite of those things we do. This is NOT EASY! But you have two options - keep wallowing, checking and resisting the facts or you do something different.

I adore radical acceptance but most people don't. They feel it is colluding and agreeing that life is shit. That we have no control over other people and things feels intolerable because we can't accept that life can be random. But when we accept life as it is, and people do/say/believe what they do then life gets a little more tolerable over time. We must accept things we cannot change. Change things that we can and be mindful of when we are resisting reality.

Good luck! The fact you had a relationship indicates you have the ability to have one in the future.
also would you say blocking and deleting is just another way to not feel it? Or is that a smart move because it means you have genuine acceptance that the relationship is over?
 
W

WhySoSerious

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 16, 2019
Messages
389
Location
UK
Blocking and deleting is perfectly fine as it is opposite action to what you want to do (check and persist).
 
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