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BPD and Jealousy

J

justpeachy59

Member
Joined
Nov 3, 2019
Messages
8
Location
Canada
I get really insecure about my boyfriend's ex. We've been together for about a year now, but I still can't shake the extreme jealousy I feel every time I see an old photo of them together or hear her name. They were together for 5 years.

I know she still messages him quite a bit and every time she does, she guilts him about not giving her enough attention and not being a good friend to her. It seems like she's being emotionally manipulative because he gets really upset whenever she messages, but because he was the one who ended the relationship, he feels the need to keep making sure that she's okay because he still cares deeply about her.

I don't want the jealousy to ruin our relationship because I love him a lot. But I need help getting it under control. :(
 
Z

Zoe1

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 8, 2019
Messages
4,141
Location
Nowhere
n yeah I dunno actually ...
I would expect someone to move on more than that
not that they cant be friends
but paying alot of attention to an ex
would make me feel very uncomfortable as well

have you spoken to him
about how it makes you feel ?

:hug5: :love:
 
daydreamsandicecreams

daydreamsandicecreams

Active member
Joined
Mar 4, 2019
Messages
34
Location
United Kingdom
Hi I agree with Zoe1,

I don't think I would feel comfortable knowing that my bf still spoke to his ex.
I mean, he's meant to give you attention not another other woman who he's dated in the past.
I would personally tell him how I felt.

You can care about someone deeply from a distance. You don't need to be in constant communication with them especially if there's someone else you're with.
 
S

Sarabi_Gyarados

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 20, 2019
Messages
226
Location
UK
I don't think there's necessarily a problem with keeping in touch with exes, but his focus should be on his future which is you, not his past which is her. I would talk to him about how you feel.
 
J

justpeachy59

Member
Joined
Nov 3, 2019
Messages
8
Location
Canada
Thanks for the replies! <3

I've spoken to him a few times about this before. He'll say things like "I still care deeply about her" and "I still want to maintain a friendship". I also know that since he was the one who ended things, he feels a lot of guilt about hurting her. I just don't know how to keep bringing this up without sounding crazy or like a broken record.
 
S

Sarabi_Gyarados

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 20, 2019
Messages
226
Location
UK
Your feelings are not invalid but sometimes bpd can make them worse.

I personally feel the focus should be on the new partner not the ex.

If he wants to stay friends maybe he jusybshouldnt talk about her to you all the time.
 
M

monsterjoe

New member
Joined
Nov 5, 2019
Messages
3
Location
Indonesia
I feel you. And I agree that BPD worsen your feelings about your situation.
I also have the same feelings about how my husband treats his ex wife (which he was married to for 17 years and has 2 children with). He also has guilts for leaving her and his ex wife still hasn't moved on yet, so she still lingers. And I do feel bothered about this situation as well.
I do think that one should not care for one's ex too deeply when the relationship has ended. It's not fair for the current gf/bf/spouse. How would your bf feels if you still cares deeply about your ex bf and maintain friendship with him? Maybe he won't be comfortable with that as well?
 
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