Bpd and end of pregnancy

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Allyalz

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Mar 8, 2019
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33
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England
#1
Hi everyone.
So basically my first had shoulder dystocia (got stuck)and was 9lb5 my second gave me third degree tears and was 8lb5 and I’m now 38+3 with my third who is predicated to be 8lb 7 by the time I’m 40 weeks.
I’ve been dealing with things okish but I’m absolutely terrified of delivery.

I had a sweep Thursday and it didn’t work. I somehow stupidly got all my hopes up thinking it would work and have been convinced I’d have baby by now. I was so positive all week and I was super happy (despite waking in pain from spd every night)

Now I’ve slumped.

All day yesterday I pretty much spent sleeping which for me is unusual and I just feel like I have a really bad attitude of I don’t care and don’t want to care.

I’m supposed to have another sweep Tuesday which I now don’t want and want to cancel, I am supposed to see the perinatal nurse tomorrow and want to cancel her and I have a consultant appointment a week tomorrow that I really want to cancel. I don’t want to see anyone, I want to lock myself away (which yes I know logically won’t help, but I really don’t want to see them)

I don’t want artificial induction and really don’t want a c-section which is what it will likely be suggested at 40 weeks. But if I don’t, I risk a big baby and dystocia again.

I don’t want to spiral out down this path but I can’t face everything. I also don’t know what to do to help myself. I tried all the things to “cheer me up” but nothing works. I have had enough of everything.
 
L

Lora

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#2
Hi there it's so tiring emotionally as well as physical you must be shattered sending you a hug 😊 Your almost there I felt like this I just wanted to hide I hated every body and everything Couldn't wait was at the end of my tether I was difficult to be with so I got told . I listened to music that helped on my personal head phones. Drank lucizade. Don't know y but that helped. Did word searches - had a stress ball in each hand and lavender oil on my wrists . I kept saying to myself. Everything's temporary I'm nearly out of this situation. Hope you are feeling a bit better soon. X
 
A

Allyalz

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Messages
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#3
Hi there it's so tiring emotionally as well as physical you must be shattered sending you a hug 😊 Your almost there I felt like this I just wanted to hide I hated every body and everything Couldn't wait was at the end of my tether I was difficult to be with so I got told . I listened to music that helped on my personal head phones. Drank lucizade. Don't know y but that helped. Did word searches - had a stress ball in each hand and lavender oil on my wrists . I kept saying to myself. Everything's temporary I'm nearly out of this situation. Hope you are feeling a bit better soon. X
I can’t take any more. I am miserable because I can’t do much physically, I can’t sleep properly and everything sucks.

I’m not even looking forward to having the baby now let alone beyond. It just looks an utterly miserable future.
 
Luci

Luci

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Mar 15, 2019
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#4
I had a terrible first birth with intervention and I really suffered psychology afterwards. I swore I would never have another baby. 11 years later found I was pregnant and with a BIG baby. I was monitored closely and prepared myself by ensuring I had a birth plan written and my midwives knew I was anxious and wanted to stay as much in control as I could. I was miserable, uncomfortable and frightened. I went into labour at 36 weeks. It progressed quickly and the midwives weren't convinced, thought I was being an drama queen but I insisted they examine me after 6 hours of labour and I was 7cms. I asked for the epidural and it took 20 mins to push him out after 5 more hours. I was relaxed, felt in control, got my meds on time and pushed him out relaxed, calm and with no injury! I was amazed and over the moon with myself. Find out what the safe options are, discuss how you feel and believe in yourself. I never dreamed I would have such an easy relaxed birth and labour. Gather all the information you can and work out some scenarios? Theres not much you can control in childbirth but your state of mind ♡
 
A

Allyalz

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Messages
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England
#5
I had a terrible first birth with intervention and I really suffered psychology afterwards. I swore I would never have another baby. 11 years later found I was pregnant and with a BIG baby. I was monitored closely and prepared myself by ensuring I had a birth plan written and my midwives knew I was anxious and wanted to stay as much in control as I could. I was miserable, uncomfortable and frightened. I went into labour at 36 weeks. It progressed quickly and the midwives weren't convinced, thought I was being an drama queen but I insisted they examine me after 6 hours of labour and I was 7cms. I asked for the epidural and it took 20 mins to push him out after 5 more hours. I was relaxed, felt in control, got my meds on time and pushed him out relaxed, calm and with no injury! I was amazed and over the moon with myself. Find out what the safe options are, discuss how you feel and believe in yourself. I never dreamed I would have such an easy relaxed birth and labour. Gather all the information you can and work out some scenarios? Theres not much you can control in childbirth but your state of mind ♡
I have all my birth plan and emergency plan etc ready. My cpn has put on the system that’s shared with midwifes about my mental health situation and it’s also in my notes so nothing more that side of things I can do.
It’s just actually going into labour that’s my first stressor, midwife keeps telling me it won’t be long as literally everything is ready, I just need contractions. If I don’t start by next week it’s likely to go to induction which I can’t stand the thought of.
It all just snowballs. I have 2 kids to sort out and do the school run with and then nothing in between so sat in my own head.
I see the perinatal nurse today so I’ll tell her what’s going on. Husband refused to let me cancel anything so at least I haven’t gone that route which is what I normally did.

I also ready that bpd is hereditary so now I’m also really upset I’ve probably passed mental health issues down to my children :( there is no winning.
 
Poppy2014

Poppy2014

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#6
BPD is not hereditary. It is caused by a multitude of things colliding together. Multiple traumas, abuse, and a catalyst are generally thought to be among the causes which is why BPD is the only personality disorder that is durable.
Stop worrying about that.
For the rest. I had an emergency C section second time around and if I knew before what I knew after I would definitely have planned it with the 1st who was big and caused 3rd degree tears.
Spinal block not epidural, up and walking 3 hours later, home next day no pain, tiny scar and a lot less mental distress, even though D was in SCBU.
I would never have knowingly chosen a C section, but it made my who experience of birth and afterwards a lot less distressing.

I'm not advocating you change your plan, but you are already worrying about whats going to happen and when, at least with a planned C you know exactly.

Take care and remember soon way or another you will have 3 beautiful children xxx
 
Luci

Luci

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#7
I agree with Poppy, your mental health is important, you need to feel well to look after your children. The idea of a C section may be scary but it could be the least distressing option for you? Particularly if your anxieties are around going into labour. Do you think you would feel better if your labour was natural? Rather than being started off?
 
A

Allyalz

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Messages
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Location
England
#8
I agree with Poppy, your mental health is important, you need to feel well to look after your children. The idea of a C section may be scary but it could be the least distressing option for you? Particularly if your anxieties are around going into labour. Do you think you would feel better if your labour was natural? Rather than being started off?
The thought of a c section is horrific. There is absolutely no way I am opting for one just because I’m worried. Nor artificial induction.
I want everything as natural as possible, both previous ones were unprepared and terrifying. I think I’ve prepared for everything this time but right now it’s not going into labour that’s setting everything off. I don’t know how to not think about it. I’ve tried crochet, watching tv etc but I wake up and the first thing I think is “great another day and I haven’t gone into labour” and then all through the day I’m sat sort of waiting for something to happen. Last week I cleaned and busied myself to the point of exhaustion and now I don’t know what to do with myself to balance. I just want to go and hide and not deal with anything.