BPD and Conflict

[TheEmperorsChampion]

Hi everyone,
I am looking for advice on a situation that I am at a loss over. I have Aspergers and BPD which makes dealing with people and conflict really hard, I remove myself from all conflict where possible and am terrified of making people upset or angry with me.

I lost my job back in February, the same week my cat passed away. Things have been REALLY bad since then. I have a job offer starting this Monday, it is my third choice job. My first shot me down which made me spiral and I haven't heard back from my second choice, but that should be today. I am now really scared that my second choice are going to make me an offer, too and I don't know how to break it to the place that offered me a job first (third choice). I feel really guilty and bad that I am letting them down but the second choice is better paid, closer and the work more my level. How do I deal with this in a way that causes me the least duress? Your collective advise is welcome.

Many thanks.

 

[Summerof76]

I had that choice when I moved a couple of years ago. Got a job with the agents I had rented a house from, but it was shitty pay and a two hour bus ride away. While waiting for that to start, got my 1st choice job. I have a (S)AvPD, so my anxiety was roaring. I procrastinated and phoned them the Friday before I was meant to start. By then, I had convinced myself that they would 'do something' to the tenancy agreement and try to throw me out. Of course, they couldn't- they would have been breaking the law- but I couldn't shift that thought.

Tbh, I just faced it. My heart was racing and I felt utterly sick, but once I'd said "I'm sorry, I won't be starting on Monday, I've had a better offer....", the rest was easier. Last minute, but at least I let them know I wouldn't be starting. There are lots of people that simply don't show up, so you might find that they value the honesty.
If you have to let them down, I can almost guarantee that they will not be confrontational- they will more than likely wish you well or you never know, they might offer you more money to take the role. I've heard of that happening (unfortunately, not to me though! Lol).

Btw, just saw the time on your post- did you hear back from them?

 

[TheEmperorsChampion]

I had that choice when I moved a couple of years ago. Got a job with the agents I had rented a house from, but it was shitty pay and a two hour bus ride away. While waiting for that to start, got my 1st choice job. I have a (S)AvPD, so my anxiety was roaring. I procrastinated and phoned them the Friday before I was meant to start. By then, I had convinced myself that they would 'do something' to the tenancy agreement and try to throw me out. Of course, they couldn't- they would have been breaking the law- but I couldn't shift that thought.

Tbh, I just faced it. My heart was racing and I felt utterly sick, but once I'd said "I'm sorry, I won't be starting on Monday, I've had a better offer....", the rest was easier. Last minute, but at least I let them know I wouldn't be starting. There are lots of people that simply don't show up, so you might find that they value the honesty.
If you have to let them down, I can almost guarantee that they will not be confrontational- they will more than likely wish you well or you never know, they might offer you more money to take the role. I've heard of that happening (unfortunately, not to me though! Lol).

Btw, just saw the time on your post- did you hear back from them?

No, nothing as of yet. I tracked down the email address of the recruiter and asked if he had an update but no answer yesterday.

The thing is, I wouldn't care so much if it was some big, faceless corporation that I had only dealt with in a couple of emails and an interview. The third choice are a small, family-owned business and the recruiter was handling the hiring for them because she is a friend of theirs. I have worked in manufacturing for a long time and am not used to anyone being nice during the recruitment process but here I am dealing with three people (the recruiter, the owners) who have been nothing but friendly.

And I learnt that I was the only one they interviewed, so they don't even have a back-up candidate. Granted, that was a bit shortsighted on their behalf but I fear I am causing them a lot of problems if I turn it down. Ultimately though, I have for once; think about me and not be a chronic people-pleaser. We'll see what happens, it all be a big nothing situation.

 

[TheEmperorsChampion]

Update: my second choice job will not reach a decision until Tuesday. The same day I am going to my BDP diagnostic consultation. Yay complications

 

[TheEmperorsChampion]

Update: no news on the job, tomorrow morning supposedly. My first steps to a formal diagnosis and help are underway.