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Boyfriend with bipolar

S

smiley

Member
Joined
Jun 5, 2009
Messages
5
Hi...I'm new here and this is my first post...I really need some advice

I've been in a relationship with my b/f for only 4 months...I've known him (not very well) for years...it didn't take me long to sus out that he has bipolar because I've seen it before a few times through close friends and family..when I asked him he already knew as he was diagnosed some years ago.

When we first started out he was obvioulsy on a manic period, wanting to spend spend spend and party...it was great fun to be honest..then very quickly the relationship became deep, and we're talking engagment rings....it was all a bit of a whirl wind and yes I got blown away with it and have really really fallen for him,

The trouble is, he is now on a huge downer right now and I don't know what to do...we talk openly about bipolar but he's adamant that he doesn't want to see a doctor again and get treatment...when we talk and I explain it's no different to any other condition that needs long term medication he seems to listen and then brushes it off. I so want him to find help...for himself, otherwise he'll always be alone.

We live miles apart and he has no friends where he is....any tips on how to gently coxe or get the message across that he doesn't have to suffer this illness and medication isn't a bad thing

Thanks
 
D

Dollit

Guest
If your boyfriend doesn't want to accept treatment then nothing will coax him into having it. If you want to stay with him then help him as and when he needs it. When I have the periods where I reject medication and, occasionally come off medication completely, no one can or will persuade me that it's a bad idea whether it is or not.

Support has to be what the person with the condition wants and needs otherwise it's not support it's trying to get someone to do something that they don't really want.
 
S

smiley

Member
Joined
Jun 5, 2009
Messages
5
Thanks for your reply and I fully understand what you're saying....I feel that he wants help but won't look for it, if you know what I mean...also like he's looking for it in the wrong places ie drinking, shopping even in me (I do wonder if I was just a part of a manic episode)

My situation is I also have children and I worry about how unpredictable he may become.....and to be honest...I don't know how 'well' I've started to feel over the last few weeks....it really hurts seeing someone you care about go through this but there's nothing you can do to make them feel better.
 
D

Dollit

Guest
What you seem to be saying is that you want him to have treatment because you're worried about how safe he is around your children. What do you think might happen?
 
S

smiley

Member
Joined
Jun 5, 2009
Messages
5
No...it's not as black and white as that at all. It's the worry of introducing someone into their lives....as far as I know bipolar can make people quite unpredictable.....I feel like I'm coming across all wrong, I don't mean to. I want him to look into treatment for himself, he's so unhappy it's horrid to see..
 
D

Dollit

Guest
I understand that you're concerned about introducing a new person into your children's lives and that perhaps drives you to get help for your boyfriend. But I still don't understand what you mean by unpredictable. What are you so scared of?
 
S

smiley

Member
Joined
Jun 5, 2009
Messages
5
But I still don't understand what you mean by unpredictable. What are you so scared of?
The mood swings really, from being jokey and funny to snappy and sulky...does that make sense?
 
D

Dollit

Guest
Not really no. They're swings of mood that's all. And sulky seems to be a rather harsh way to describe depression.

If your real concern is the effect that your relationship will have on your children then that's the issue you have to address.

If your real concern is the fact that you don't or can't understand bipolar disorder then please look here http://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/mentalhealthinfoforall/problems/bipolarmanicdepression/bipolardisorder.aspx

If we decide to try and change people we claim to love however we justify it we are doing wrong. Love is about acceptance however hard that may be.
 
S

smiley

Member
Joined
Jun 5, 2009
Messages
5
OMG...no...I've come across all wrong...sorry! Sulky was in no way means of discribing the depression cycle...sulky will last for about 10mins.

Maybe also I'm being selfish too, about how it makes me feel....going from hourly txt messages and phone calls to difficult 10min telephone conversations...full on love to coolness then visa versa again...it's difficult not to feel hurt or to take things too personal. When he's down I wonder if I should back off or contact him to remind him that I want to be here for him. ultimatly it's up to him if he goes ahead and looks into treatment.....he's such a fantastic person I just hate seeing him suffer

edit to say thanks for the link
 
D

Dollit

Guest
Have you tried talking to him to find out what would be useful to him when he's in his extremities? I think you have a lack of understanding. Depression takes it out of your body and soul and even breathing feels difficult at times. No wonder he doesn't want long phone calls. If you think that it's difficult for you just think how it feels when you don't know how you're going to feel from one day to the next or even if you're going to go to bed feeling the same way as you woke up that morning.

Please read that link and learn about what bipolar really is.
 
C

christina

New member
Joined
Aug 1, 2009
Messages
2
Bipolar Boyfriend

Dear smiley

I understand where you are, although for you it's early days. I have lived with my boyfriend (whom i suspect is bipolar for 5 years) we've been together for 7 . 5 months into our relationship his brother committed suicide, three years later his sister was hospitalized with bipolar, it appears it's a genetic thing. My advice to you now having lived with his pain for all this time is to walk away, from a sane perspective it's an incredibly complicated thing to understand and it will destroy YOUR quality of life. He is the only one who can help himself, this i have learnt (although it still doesn't stop me from trying).

I didn't walk away, i stayed with him and (knowing what i know now and despite my advice to you) i can't confess i would do anything different. We've had a roller coaster of a relationship, he's my best friend and although he is alone with his depression, I can't leave him.

The depressive doesn't understand the pain they place on those around them if they did the guilt would over whelm them, it's not their fault, it's just how it works.

You say you'd be scarred for your children I can understand this at times it has become quite violent (not towards me) and it's a terrifying to witness. To watch the person you love suffer so completely and know there is nothing you can do is torturous.

I know walking away is a tough choice, it's sounds as though in such a short space of time you've really got it bad. I just would hate for anyone to go through the suffering i've had over the last few years.

if anyone has any advice for me? feel free to post it......

take care, best of luck.
x
 
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