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Boyfriend is depressed and being mean as hell to me

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Vanilla98

Member
Joined
Oct 29, 2019
Messages
7
Location
Cheshire
Hi,

I have never posted on a forum before, but it’s got to the stage where I could do with some advice.

a couple of months ago my boyfriend of 7 years was diagnosed with depression. He is not medicated, has been advised by the doctor to do the things he enjoy, to stop drinking, and to self refer to counselling. He hasn’t stopped drinking and hasn’t referred himself to counselling.

since he has been diagnosed, things have gone completely down hill in our relationship. He just isn’t the same person anymore. He can be really mean and spiteful to me. He goes out all the time, drinking with friends and his family, but won’t do anything with me.

He does nothing around the house anymore. I have to do everything

He tells me it’s not my fault etc, but he just keeps pushing me away. He won’t talk about what’s going on at all. We end up rowing every time I try and talk to him about it and encourage him to go to counselling. He just won’t have any of it, and ends up being verbally abusive towards me and leaving the house, and then won’t come back until the early hours, and will ignore any contact from me. He “hasn’t got the energy” to put kisses on his messages to me. He won’t return any calls, and barely responds to texts. He won’t kiss or cuddle me anymore, or even make any physical contact such as holding hands etc. I get sex being the last thing on the mind at times, but I really don’t understand what is happening in our relationship.

I’m sleeping in the spare room now. It’s just so horrible to be in this situation and I really don’t know what to do anymore.

I feel really annoyed and frustrated with him, and then guilty in case I’m not doing enough. I just don’t know what to do.

I have thought of leaving. I don’t want to, but I also don’t want to live like this anymore.

does anyone have any advice please??

thank you x
 
Urban Hermit

Urban Hermit

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Jan 18, 2019
Messages
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I'm sorry to hear you are having a bad time xx
Do you know if there is an underlying cause? Xx
 
V

Vanilla98

Member
Joined
Oct 29, 2019
Messages
7
Location
Cheshire
There doesn’t appear to be an event as such, if that’s what you mean? His dad suffered a heart attack and after an operation had a second lease of life, but has started to smoke and drink again. This happened 3 years ago now though. Other than that I’m not aware of any “reason” as such, no.
 
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Zoe1

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Jul 8, 2019
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hi Vanilla :welcome: ✨

n yeah, typical alcoholic relationship ...
I had one like that and I went to Al-Anon
which is a branch of Alcoholics Anonymous
for the relatives, partners etc

I found some of my mental health issues
stemmed from that origin in the family

whichever way you look at it
you need other people in your life besides him
depending on someone in his condition to meet your needs
is like looking for bread in a hardware shop !

I hope you find us helpful here

:hug5:✨
 
Urban Hermit

Urban Hermit

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 18, 2019
Messages
2,850
There doesn’t appear to be an event as such, if that’s what you mean? His dad suffered a heart attack and after an operation had a second lease of life, but has started to Mike and drink again. This happened 3 years ago now though. Other than that I’m not aware of any “reason” as such, no.
Try to show him that you care and want to help, which it sounds like you already are. But also be kind to yourself, because wanting to get help and change has to come from him xx
 
V

Vanilla98

Member
Joined
Oct 29, 2019
Messages
7
Location
Cheshire
hi Vanilla :welcome: ✨

n yeah, typical alcoholic relationship ...
I had one like that and I went to Al-Anon
which is a branch of Alcoholics Anonymous
for the relatives, partners etc

I found some of my mental health issues
stemmed from that origin in the family

whichever way you look at it
you need other people in your life besides him
depending on someone in his condition to meet your needs
is like looking for bread in a hardware shop !

I hope you find us helpful here

:hug5:✨
Thank you for your response. I have great family and friends who I can rely on, thank you. I don’t want them to think bad of him, but unfortunately they all do, so I tend to get a lot of “leave him” advice, which whilst it’s totally understandable, not always helpful.
 
V

Vanilla98

Member
Joined
Oct 29, 2019
Messages
7
Location
Cheshire
Try to show him that you care and want to help, which it sounds like you already are. But also be kind to yourself, because wanting to get help and change has to come from him xx
thank you. I like to think that I do everything that I can to show I care, it just doesn’t seem to sink in for him and makes him annoyed. At times it feels like he’s treating me like a mug.

I will keep trying though. Thank you x
 
Z

Zoe1

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Jul 8, 2019
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Thank you for your response. I have great family and friends who I can rely on, thank you. I don’t want them to think bad of him, but unfortunately they all do, so I tend to get a lot of “leave him” advice, which whilst it’s totally understandable, not always helpful.
well that is what you wont get from Al-Anon
its there to help you to make your own decisions
and has various tools for how to cope
if you decide to stay with him

nb Al-Anon is free of charge
 
Urban Hermit

Urban Hermit

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Joined
Jan 18, 2019
Messages
2,850
thank you. I like to think that I do everything that I can to show I care, it just doesn’t seem to sink in for him and makes him annoyed. At times it feels like he’s treating me like a mug.

I will keep trying though. Thank you x
Having depression myself and struggling with my own problems, sometimes it's really hard to let someone in because you don't want to pull them down with you xx
 
V

Vanilla98

Member
Joined
Oct 29, 2019
Messages
7
Location
Cheshire
I have actually been to al-anon before as my mum is an alcoholic. Whilst it was a nice atmosphere and everyone was lovely, it wasn’t really for me. I think it is a wonderful organisation though, and thank you for recommending it! I don’t know anyone else that has ever heard of it before!!
 
V

Vanilla98

Member
Joined
Oct 29, 2019
Messages
7
Location
Cheshire
Having depression myself and struggling with my own problems, sometimes it's really hard to let someone in because you don't want to pull them down with you xx
Is it “normal” to be actively mean to someone you love though? That’s the part I’m struggling with the most.xx
 
Z

Zoe1

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Jul 8, 2019
Messages
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Location
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k great well I'm glad you know of it if you need it
I know what you mean
there are parts of me that Al-Anon doesnt reach
and some of those parts are here !
 
Urban Hermit

Urban Hermit

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Jan 18, 2019
Messages
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ps, I’m sorry that you have to live with depression xx
Thanks I'm doing much better at the moment, with meds and counselling and the love and support of my girl friend xx and the advice and.support of this forum xx
 
Urban Hermit

Urban Hermit

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 18, 2019
Messages
2,850
Is it “normal” to be actively mean to someone you love though? That’s the part I’m struggling with the most.xx
Yes and no .... it's often the ones we love the most the we hurt because they are the closest and the ones we hope we understand and forgive xx
We can be mean because we can't understand why someone could love us and we don't love ourselves xx
But also it's not fair to hurt and be mean to you xx
These are big generalizations .. you know him best xx
 
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