both everything and nothing is wrong

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Ragaire

New member
Joined
Jan 4, 2019
Messages
4
#1
hi. i feel like my life is falling apart. or better phrasing would be: i feel like my life has always been "apart". no "falling". just consistently in shambles on the ground. i don't even know what to say, or what to ask, so i just want to give you an idea of my mental health timeline:

when i was 9 years old i remember writing in a journal every day. i would write such sad things. i would describe feeling like i needed to scream and cry every day, but couldn't; i'd talk about feeling trapped and empty and like everything in the world was wrong and bad and like i was wrong and bad for feeling that way. ever since then-- and possibly before then, i just can't remember-- i've been haunted by depression. my entire life has felt like one long mental health crisis, punctuated rarely by brief points of improvement followed by long, violent declines back into long states of depression.

my house growing up was bad, but i can't always remember what was so bad about it. from what i can recall at this moment, if i really try, i think it was just chaotic. very chaotic. i witnessed a lot of verbal, emotional and physical violence between my two parents, and also between my parents and my two older siblings, who are 9 and 11 years older than me. i also remember similar levels of violence in childhood coming from my brother, directed at me. my mom had some kind of drug problem i don't know a lot about, and was at one point put on house arrest. my dad had bad anger issues and was an alcoholic. my brother would always fight back when my parents were abusive, which resulted in the police being called more than once. my parents got divorced when i was 9, with my dad getting partial custody, leaving me and my siblings alone with my very volatile and emotionally unstable mother. it affected me the most, since i'm the youngest and my two siblings were already out of high school at the time that they'd divorced

things only got worse for me when i became a teenager. instead of just being sad, scared, anxious and depressed, i became angry. very angry. i started fighting back. which meant that i'd fight with my brother and my mom very often, and although i would never hit them or say anything crueler than "go away" to them, they would frequently hit and verbally degrade me. though i was bold enough to argue at home, outside of my house i was shy and anxious and skittish and awkward. i couldn't breathe when i was around other people. sometimes i couldn't even say my name. when i was 15 years old i dropped out of high school because i was too anxious and depressed to keep going

after that (2013-2015) is probably the worst period of my life so far. i was home all the time. i didn't work, except for a brief summer job in 2014 that i left early because i got appendicitis and needed to get an emergency surgery with a long recovery. i almost died from the appendicitis because my father was medically negligent and left me alone to vomit and cry and beg to go to the hospital, so he could go out drinking for 12 hours. i also volunteered once or twice a week. other than that, nothing. i was home constantly. i had no friends. i had no education. i had no future to look forward to. the best thing i had was the volunteering, but every time i went in i can remember looking around and thinking that everyone hated me, and that i should never leave the house because it wasn't fair to subject other people to my presence. i was around my mom and brother constantly, and they both hated me for how little i was doing and the abuse just got worse.

i would cry and scream and punch doors and self harm all the time. i would also get choked, pushed down stairs, or threatened in ways that were so scary i'd hide in my closet and lock the door, or crawl down the side of my house from my second story window because i was scared i would get killed if my mom caught me in the hallway. i would only ever talk to the two friends i had-- both internet friends-- just to use them as venting tools, instead of treating them like people. every time we spoke, i just talked about how miserable i was. how suicidal i was. how much i had cried that day, or how much i had been screamed at, or how many stairs i had been pushed down. i was constantly crying for help and no one ever answered. even my sister, who was the only person i ever cared for in my family and who never (err-- rarely) laid a hand on me refused to help me when i would cry about how hopeless and unloved and disconnected i felt. she would always walk away, or tell me to stop talking, or say she didnt care because she had stuff to do or whatever. 2015 was the year i was supposed to graduate from high school, and while all the people in my age group were getting ready for proms and graduations after four years of long friendships and challenging academics, i'd spent my entire teenagehood on the verge of suicide, completely alone.

in the summer of 2015, i was hospitalized. i don't know exactly for what anymore; i can't remember the event very clearly. it could have been because i was suicidal, or because i expressed some aggressive intent towards my mom (though at this point, i had still never actually harmed her in any way in my entire life; she had always harmed me), or because of medication withdraws. i really can't remember at all. i just remember it being the single worst three days of my life. i hated every minute of it. i just wanted to go home. i had also gotten into a blow out fight with the only two friends i had left the day that i got hospitalized, and i didn't talk to them until a year and a half later. so once i was out of the hospital, i was completely alone, and feeling worse than ever.

suddenly, in 2016, things randomly got kind of better. i was offered a full time job by a friend of my mom's, and although it was a minimal wage affair, it got me out of the house and challenged me to become more presentable and figure out how to suppress my symptoms and misery so that i could be a good employee. up until recently, i though that suppression of my symptoms was the same thing as recovering, or healing. i thought i was slowly getting cured. i would spend all my time and energy thinking about and preparing for work, or using my money from work to buy things like games and books so i could distract myself from my own mind whenever i wasn't working. i also slowly developed some friendships from the people i got to know at the place i volunteered at. for the first time in many years, i had friends, and a reason to get up in the morning. at the end of 2016, i got my GED

in 2017, things got even better. i got more friends, and a better job, and i enrolled for college for fall 2017. i even did an internship in my first semester. i was finally starting to feel like a real person. my brother had moved out in 2016 or so, and i rarely ever saw my mom anymore because of work, school and friends, so our relationship got a lot better. i got so many friends it was crazy to me, and we went on trips, and had adventures, and just generally had a really great time. i got good grades for the first time in my life.

in 2018, i was riding the high of 2017. i couldnt believe i had such a large amount of long-term, dedicated friends; a great job; great grades; and a completed internship in my field. but i think deep down, i knew something was still missing. i didn't really understand it at the time, but in retrospect, i can see it now: i was hungry for more. even though i had convinced myself that i was happy, and that i was a real person now, and that everything had gotten better and that i could jump right back into society and be just like all the other people my age, i don't think i ever was. so i did more. i started dying and cutting my hair every two months or less. i started getting piercings, and new clothes, and started plans for tattoos. for the first time in my life, i started drinking. and i started drinking a LOT. in the spring semester of 2018, i was black out drunk at least once every single week. i threw parties at my house every two weeks. when that got boring, and i got a car and a license, i just started going places. anywhere, as long as it was new. every single weekend i'd tell my friends, "let's go somewhere new", sometimes as late as 2 am (the time i'd get out of work). and we would go. we'd go into manhattan, or drive into other states, or sneak into abandoned buildings, go to bars, or parks past dusk, or the beach at midnight, or old playgrounds. i didn't care where it was. i just wanted something new.

i also got a new job. so in the spring, i had two jobs and full time school studying a science, and got great grades. while also getting drunk every week and throwing parties and then, later, driving hours away from home for no reason other than that i wanted to go somewhere new. i told myself all of this made me happy. but in the summer, everything just crashed. i suddenly realized all at once, that i was still that miserable 9 year old writing in a journal. i realized that nothing had changed, and that no matter how much i drank, or cut my hair, or pierced my face, how many friends i had, or jobs i had, or parties i threw, or classes i took, or A's i got, or how many borders i crossed, or parks i walked in, or boats i took, or bars i went to, or money i gambled away: i was still miserable.

so i tried harder.

i started drinking more and more, all at once, like i was trying to destroy my body. or maybe sanitize it. i would get to a point where i knew i couldn't drink anymore, and i'd drink more. and then i would cry, every time. i would just go somewhere away from all the others, and cry and cry and cry, and remember my childhood and all the things that went wrong there, and feel broken. my friends would try to help me, and i would try to let them, but it never did anything. i'd always feel even worse than before. but i didn't learn. i just kept trying to do more to fill the hole inside me

in the fall semester of 2018, i got a third job. this made three jobs, all in life sciences, and a full time college schedule in a science. i still don't know how i did this, or how i'm doing it now. i wouldn't have time to eat, or sleep, or anything, but i took on those jobs and defined myself with them. although i'd sometimes sleep through classes, my work remained of high quality, and i still got A's when the semester ended. i had an absolutely INSANE halloween party that attracted so many people i could not fit them in my house, and the party had to be extended into my driveway. i had a friendsgiving party that had double the amount of guests i had the year prior, to the point where there wasn't enough room in my dining room to hold all of them. we had a christmas party too, where i gave all my friends meaningful presents and tried to be cheery and optimistic and have a good time. but every day of fall/winter, i was so impossibly sad. it feels like theres this black hole in my chest, and like every day is impossible, and like i need to cry but i don't ever have time to, and like i'm just... trying. to be a human being.

i'm trying to replicate what i've always seen all around me. i'm trying to replicate all the happy friends and couples and families i saw growing up that i didn't have. i'm trying to be a person, a REAL person, and i thought i was doing it right. i thought that all i had to do was get friends, and maybe a job, and go to school and make a good future for myself. but that never worked. so i got more friends, and more jobs, and took more classes, and that didn't work. and so i got more, and more, and more. and i did more, and more, and more. but nothing is ever enough. none of it even comes close to to filling this hole in me. i don't feel any more human than i did in 2015, locked away in a hospital without my clothes and belongings, scared and alone and praying for death. i think i feel even less human now. i know myself even less, that much is for sure. i just realized now, in the first month of 2019, that i don't know anything about the person i was in 2018. i never got to know her. i just plowed through every day with as many distractions as i could gather, and pretended that was enough. but it's not enough.

it feels like i was born with a broken heart, and i don't know how to fix it. i don't know how to love myself or fix myself or have hope for my future. not my work future, or my academic future-- i have hope for those both. even my future in terms of friendships is something i have hope for; i know how to fake being good and normal enough to get friends and attention by now. what i have no hope for is the future of me. me as a person. me alone. i have no hope for my soul. i have no hope for me to ever become real. i have no hope that i'll ever be part of this world in a way that makes sense; i fear that i'll only ever mimic what i see around me, but never know what it means.

i feel like i'm running out of energy. now that i'm aware that my whole life for the past three years had just been me plowing through every single day, i am also aware of the fact that i am now harboring three years worth of exhaustion. and i can feel it all on my shoulders, every single day. i feel like i need a break. but i can't take one. right now i'm on "break" from school, but there's still so many documents i have to write and submit, so many applications i have to get through for the upcoming school year, and so many buildings i still have to go to on campus to prepare for classes, so it's not a break at all. and my jobs would never accept me taking a prolonged break. they'd sooner fire me, i'm sure. so every day, i get through my three jobs and my school work and my house work and my social obligations and i get home just in time to pass out and then wake up instantly from dreamless sleep to blaring alarms 3, 4, or 5 hours later. or worse: 14, 16, or 18 hours later, disoriented and confused. i thought this would prove to me that i'm worth something. that three different hiring managers and assortments of co-workers and supervisors see that i'm worth something, and so i should see that i'm worth something, too. if my gpa is higher than a 3.5, that means i'm worth something. it means the world sees me as desirable, right? so why don't i see it? why is everything broken? why is every promise false?

i don't even know if i've ever really loved anyone this whole time. i've gotten to know so many people so intimately... over 100 at this point, i'm sure, when i combine all of the 5 workplaces i've been embedded in in in the last three years, and all the friend groups i've acquired and maintained. i've gotten to know so many people. and so many of them have really opened up to me. for some reason, all of my closest friends-- maybe 13 or 14 people-- have confessed to having crushes or even being in love with me. even co-workers fall for me, and fellow volunteers, and classmates. i don't know why. maybe it's just because of how much i've cultivated the false image of myself i put forward. and because so many people love me so deeply-- close friends and near strangers alike-- they give up a lot to me. they tell me everything about themselves. they sacrifice huge amounts of time just to be with me. they give me everything they have. and still, i don't think i've ever loved anyone back. even platonically. i say i do! i go through the motions of it. i check in on people, and hang out, and do favors, and give gifts, throw surprise parties, and say all the right things... but i don't think my heart is really in it. i don't think my hearts really called for anyone, my whole life. it's been silent and gray and scarcely beating.

i wish it were different. i wish i could love people, and get to know people, and give them my soul and accept theirs and just have that be enough for me. i wish i could work because i enjoy working, not because i think it's what i have to do to be valuable. i wish i could enjoy my classes and what i'm learning instead of doing it so i can look at my transcript and feel like i am worthy of being alive.

i wish i were human.
 
AliceinWonderland

AliceinWonderland

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#2
I've read your post Ragaire. What a sad, lonely and damaging childhood you suffered :low: I'm sorry you're in so much emotional pain, and running yourself ragged with keeping your time so filled and busy. You have achieved a lot though, you must be a very hard worker.

You weren't born with a broken heart, that is such a sad thing to hear someone say, but I can understand you saying it. No, I believe it's things that happen in life that break our hearts, not that we were born that way. Or sometimes it's the things that don't happen, not enough attention being given to our needs.

Have you ever expressed all these thoughts about your life to anyone before? Have you ever considered seeing a therapist to try and make sense of it all? I'm glad you've written about it here though, and I hope it's helped a little to write it all down. It affected me what you'd written, you explain how things are for you very well.

I hope you can keep talking about this and find a way to feel better about life and about yourself. You are human. You're as human as anyone else. Your feelings are in there, but perhaps buried beneath things that have made you need to keep them well hidden?

All the very best to you Ragaire, and :welcome: to the forum :peace:
 
D

DerekL82

Member
Joined
Jan 4, 2019
Messages
8
#3
Hi Ragaire,

It sounds like you've really been through a lot in life, and I'm sorry to hear that. There's a quote I read recently "In the end it’s the warrior people talk about, so keep fighting." You sound like someone who has a strong internal drive to me. To actually volunteer somewhere, or work three jobs at once, that is amazing. I am anxious myself when I think of volunteering anywhere, it's something I've always wanted to do.

I'm glad to hear that it sounds like your life got better around 2017. It's good to have one or two friends you can lean on. You don't necessarily needs lots of friends.

As far as feeling empty, and not being able to love someone back. I'm not sure why that is, maybe you can open up to a therapist about it? Also, are you currently on any medication? The right medication can do wonders for you, balancing out the chemicals in your brain etc.

Hope to hear from you soon!
 
R

Ragaire

New member
Joined
Jan 4, 2019
Messages
4
#4
I've read your post Ragaire. What a sad, lonely and damaging childhood you suffered :low: I'm sorry you're in so much emotional pain, and running yourself ragged with keeping your time so filled and busy. You have achieved a lot though, you must be a very hard worker.

You weren't born with a broken heart, that is such a sad thing to hear someone say, but I can understand you saying it. No, I believe it's things that happen in life that break our hearts, not that we were born that way. Or sometimes it's the things that don't happen, not enough attention being given to our needs.

Have you ever expressed all these thoughts about your life to anyone before? Have you ever considered seeing a therapist to try and make sense of it all? I'm glad you've written about it here though, and I hope it's helped a little to write it all down. It affected me what you'd written, you explain how things are for you very well.

I hope you can keep talking about this and find a way to feel better about life and about yourself. You are human. You're as human as anyone else. Your feelings are in there, but perhaps buried beneath things that have made you need to keep them well hidden?

All the very best to you Ragaire, and :welcome: to the forum :peace:
wow, thank you so much... i honestly was not expecting anyone to read this post at all. i thought it was too long and that no one would bother. it means so much to me that you got theough all that and responded with something so caring and sweet. thank you

i tried therapy at school last semester, but i was placed in group therapy which i dont like very much. i dont think i got very far. once the semester ended i tried a new place, and am now on a waitlist for therapy there. i dont know when that will happen, but i hope it does soon. i am tired of feeling lost, i very much wish to get better and connect with the world

i confessed a lot of this and some other things to to a close friend of mine yesterday and it made me feel a bit different. it makes me feel more motivated to change the way i am feeling now that someone knows about it and may be watching me for symptoms. i bought an audiobook today about trauma and ptsd and i feel somewhat more in touch with myself and my struggles when i listen to it. i only did all of those things after confessing my problems here. it was very helpful to get it all out in words for others to see. i think i feel slightly more hopeful for my future, or at least i hope i do

all the best to you as well
 
R

Ragaire

New member
Joined
Jan 4, 2019
Messages
4
#5
Hi Ragaire,

It sounds like you've really been through a lot in life, and I'm sorry to hear that. There's a quote I read recently "In the end it’s the warrior people talk about, so keep fighting." You sound like someone who has a strong internal drive to me. To actually volunteer somewhere, or work three jobs at once, that is amazing. I am anxious myself when I think of volunteering anywhere, it's something I've always wanted to do.

I'm glad to hear that it sounds like your life got better around 2017. It's good to have one or two friends you can lean on. You don't necessarily needs lots of friends.

As far as feeling empty, and not being able to love someone back. I'm not sure why that is, maybe you can open up to a therapist about it? Also, are you currently on any medication? The right medication can do wonders for you, balancing out the chemicals in your brain etc.

Hope to hear from you soon!
hello and thank you for your kind words and empathy. i was not expecting anyone to read what i said here, much less respond. the fact that you read everything i wrote is very kind and something i appreciate a lot

thank you for your compliments. i think you should volunteer! it was the only good thing i had during that bad time i was in, and brought me a lot of good friends and even jobs that i still have now. its the only part of my adolescence that i look back on fondly. i understand how scary it can be, though. perhaps you can find some solace in the fact that volunteer positions are usually very lenient and non-critical, and are often okay with you needing to take breaks, leave early or call out; i think it is those qualities that make volunteer positions very appealing to me when i am in low states

i am on adderall for adhd but that is it right now. anti-depressants unfortunately usually make me feel worse, and anxiety meds usually dont do anything at all. but i am on a wait list to enter therapy. they say i should be called by the end of january or so, which is good. i am reading self help books at the moment and trying to get my feelings into words a little bit more, which i hope will help me in the meantime...

thank you again for listening to me. i hope you have a good day/night
 
Jbb79

Jbb79

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Joined
Sep 15, 2018
Messages
336
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#6
Dude, You need a beer, a day, at the beach And, A Big HUG <3 <3

Thank you, for sharing, so openly, you Deserve help, and love x x