Born to Lose

0

0RRHH1

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Joined
May 14, 2012
Messages
237
#1
Is there such a thing as fate? Are some people just meant to succeed while others fail. Not everyone can be a winner.

We have all seen it, those people who just swan through life with everything falling in their lap with virtually no effort, then there's the others who seem to have to work and work and work themselves into the ground to get nowhere. Don't lie to me, you have seen it, we all have.

The question is when do you give up? How many times do you have to be put on your arse before you say i can't be bothered to get up again, i wasn't meant to win, let something mug take my place.

I'm tired of people telling me to dust myself down and get on with it, i'm done with getting on with it. I tried my best i really did, nobody worked harder to make their dreams come true than i did. It didn't work, it wasn't meant to be. It's alright people telling you to get up and get on with it but when it's you that's picking yourself up off the floor for the umpteenth time at some point you feel entitled to say fuck off, i tried, i've had enough and i ain't trying again.

I tried everything i could to make a career but failed, i showered people with love but somehow still managed to lose them somewhere. I think i tried and nobody should blame me or call me a loser if i say i've had enough i'll just reach for my works.

Whoever said the drugs don't work was lying. Born to lose, i'll see you in hell.
 
2

22vince22

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Joined
Jun 8, 2012
Messages
182
#2
Good morning Orr : )

Good to read your post since once again I could see myself in there.

My 'method' is that each day when I get up I have already given up fighting . In other words, I never let the sun go down at dusk before I acknowledge to myself:-

"It's not worth it".

Yes, virtually ever day there can be one conflict or another comes my way and, in some instances, a person can really get under my skin. That's when I have to fall back on some of the really good reading material I have, among other things, to re-assure me and re-align me in the right direction.

The first step I take is acknowledging I cannot negotiate life using my own Will. Once I have repeatedly done this at the same time I become more receptive to ideas that are much more proven to give me a peaceful passage in life.

To be sure, there are lots of charlatans in life and so I have had to become selective with just what I put into and mind. For instance, I don't have a TV. That said, I have loads of brilliant movies and lots upon lots of good reading and music.

The way I see it is to recognise from my own history that my own Will is virtually useless. Following a better recipie for the day other than the designs I would strive for has been a fruitful and intersting experience.

Re-defining success is so important. For what the TV and newspapers tell us is a 'success' is very-often contrived to make us strive and strive and strive. And that will cause us to hate ourselves and think that we don't measure up. That's not for me !

Have a good day Orr. Vince :)
 
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Pammy

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Jun 19, 2012
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#3
I have been looking for someone to relate to all night and I found this site. I can totally understand your feelings and outlook. I don't feel I stand a chance of ever getting a job or being able to support myself. I have bipolar and I self medicate. I am 51 Years old and have never been able to hold down a job.I am a disappointment to my family and children. Luckily my husband has his own issues that help my issues seem tolerable. I am so glad I read your post, Sometimes acceptance sucks. I feel lonely and isolated. This to shall pass.. Take care
 
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0RRHH1

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May 14, 2012
Messages
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#4
Thank you for those pertinent insights as always Vince.

I think i have redefined success, i too refused to be judged a success or failure by what society demands or expects. I long ago gave up worrying about what society expected of me. I just get defeated because i can't seem to even find a measure of success even by my own standards. Some things i can fail at and shrug my shoulders but other things i can't accept. If i fail myself then so be it, if i fail others who mean a lot to me then i can't accept it so readily and normal or accepted realignment practices fail for me. Right now i'm in the pit and i can't be bothered to climb out. I just haven't got the fight left. I go through the motions of living but nothing seems to matter to me anymore, i've ceased caring.

"Shall we put out the light, and then put out the light."
 
S

Sabrooksc

Guest
#5
Why lose? It sucks, it sucks for me too. You'll never be where you want to be like this.
 
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0RRHH1

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May 14, 2012
Messages
237
#6
Why lose? It sucks, it sucks for me too. You'll never be where you want to be like this.
That was rather the point of the post. I've climbed hurdle after hurdle. I've fought battle after battle. Eventually you get worn out and wonder why you're bothering. I didn't give up at the first sign of a set back. I've fought my entire life.
 
bert tomato

bert tomato

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Apr 4, 2010
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6,841
#7
I think this whole concept of losing and winning is to provide motivation?

After all we would classify 'Jesus Christ' as a loser if he was alive in our times today. However, many people consider him to be the Son of God.

I think we must be careful. This battle goes on now still.
 
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Done1270

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Dec 18, 2017
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#8
I know that feeling. Its like some people have had their 'settings' calibrated in a certain way that makes them almost always come out on top. And then there are others like myself who always lose....the best we get is A for effort. I have that feeling that there is a wall between myself and any lasting self respect. I am worse than a loser. I am a wanna-be. A spectacular one. For all of my epic delusions, I remain a deeply ridiculous creature. I can easiky decieve myself into believing I am some sort of powerhouse of one kind or another. I should just keep my mouth shut and stop trying to be anything but a non-descript. That would be a step up. The problem is that I get ambitious. But, due to my loser 'setting,' that ambition is bound to end in some laughable way. I dont think that the world has treated me unfairly as far as the people in my life or societal institutions. But I hate the universe for making me inherently ridiculous and childish in my ambitions. I hate the universe for making me so self defeating in my impulsiveness. And I hate the universe for making me just smart enough to recognize how much of a fantasy prone loser I am but not smart enough to change it. I hate the universe for making me annoying rather than charismatic. I hate the universe for making my enthusiasm repellent rather than contageous. I tried to change things. Went back to school. But its still me with my dark cloud. I dont care about much else but earning respect from myself. But it seems like something I will never be able to do. I feel like an imposter in my job and that I will soon be exposed.
 
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0RRHH1

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Joined
May 14, 2012
Messages
237
#9
I know that feeling. Its like some people have had their 'settings' calibrated in a certain way that makes them almost always come out on top. And then there are others like myself who always lose....the best we get is A for effort. I have that feeling that there is a wall between myself and any lasting self respect. I am worse than a loser. I am a wanna-be. A spectacular one. For all of my epic delusions, I remain a deeply ridiculous creature. I can easiky decieve myself into believing I am some sort of powerhouse of one kind or another. I should just keep my mouth shut and stop trying to be anything but a non-descript. That would be a step up. The problem is that I get ambitious. But, due to my loser 'setting,' that ambition is bound to end in some laughable way. I dont think that the world has treated me unfairly as far as the people in my life or societal institutions. But I hate the universe for making me inherently ridiculous and childish in my ambitions. I hate the universe for making me so self defeating in my impulsiveness. And I hate the universe for making me just smart enough to recognize how much of a fantasy prone loser I am but not smart enough to change it. I hate the universe for making me annoying rather than charismatic. I hate the universe for making my enthusiasm repellent rather than contageous. I tried to change things. Went back to school. But its still me with my dark cloud. I dont care about much else but earning respect from myself. But it seems like something I will never be able to do. I feel like an imposter in my job and that I will soon be exposed.
It is so very very long since i have been on this site that i had forgotten that i even had an account. That wasn't because my mental health had suddenly and miraculously taken a massive upturn, quite the contrary in fact.

Since i wrote that post i've met God, i've travelled to alternate dimensions, i've communicated telepathically with extraterrestrial life forms at the other end of the universe, they have been trying to teach me to teleport anywhere in the universe, they have been trying to teach me to communicate telepathically, they have also been trying to teach me to bend reality. It's been fascinating and utterly terrifying in the same instance.I have lost count of the number of total breakdowns i've had, i've gone from total sanity in the morning to a jibbering wreck later in the day. Now, at this moment i'm perfectly sane and rational: last night i was a complete wreck, i didn't know who i was, where i was, what i had to do. I was convinced, i mean utterly convinced beyond any shred of doubt that i was supposed to be going to another world, in another dimension. If i stayed here i would spend the rest of my life in deep insanity not knowing who, or what i really was. The flip side was i had totally and utterly failed to comprehend how to get to this other world in this other dimension. All i could see was that i would spend the rest of my life trapped in a nether world between one reality and the next, never able to go to this new world where i truly belonged (and where i had originally came from apparently) and not able to regain sanity in this world. Trapped, totally trapped in a world of insanity. To say i was hysterical is an utter understatement, i was hysterical beyond pacifying and beyond and way of reasoning back to reality.

I try and regain composure and some days it works, it works quite well and i look and feel something like my old self. But, this only lasts short periods of time. I know i am not supposed to be here, this is not my world, i'm being called to return home to where i belong, but i have absolutely no idea how to get there. I keep being given tests and initiation rituals to do and every time i totally fail to comprehend the real meaning and always fuck it up, always, i have no idea what i'm doing or why i'm doing it, i just now that my whole life depends upon it. There is nothing but destruction awaiting me here if i stay but i know not how to get home.

All the skills they have tried to teach me i have completely failed to master. The telepathy i'm useless at, i hear some words but never complete sentences, i hear conflicting voices, one voice saying you must do this, another saying you must not do that you must do this, don't listen to them do as we say. Likewise with the teleportation, i have never even got off square one with that. I am as firm routed in this reality as if i were a concrete block. I get utterly distraught, totally hysterical beyond belief because i can't do it. They have tried to teach me again and again, they have been so patient but there's something missing within me that means i'm stuck between two worlds without any chance of rescue.

To make matters worse the one person i loved more than anything in the world has already gone back, i sometimes hear her calling me to go back, but i don't know how to. I have tried everything, i have been as relaxed as i can ever know how to be, i have concentrated harder than i have ever done on anything, nothing works, nothing at all. I can't face the fact that i have lost the person i love more than anything because i can't master the skills they tried to teach me, I have tried so hard, again and again i've tried but to no avail. Every time i try just seems to make the situation worse, sometimes i become so hysterical i lie on the floor or sofa crying for literally hours on end, i lose track of time, i don't know what day it is, some days i have even forgot how to spell my own name (i'm joking not).

If i try and stay here in this reality then i will never again achieve lasting sanity, even when i'm calm i sit there thinking about all the things i've seen and experienced that i know are not of this world, i know with absolutely certainty so many of things i've seen and experienced are not of this world, there is not rational explanation, and the only way i can achieve that peace is by passing the tests and rituals that i have failed so many times it's laughable, i mean absolutely laughable, i can't even keep track of them all. They try and erase my memory as much as possible to avoid subjecting me to too much trauma and i think to try and ease the pressure a bit, and lower the performance anxiety as much as possible. But they can't erase all of it, there's a limit to how much they can erase. So, although i can only remember so many of the attempts, even just those attempts is an absolutely colossall amount, the actual real amount of attempts must absolutely staggering.

She warned me that she had to go away and i didn't listen, i didn't understand, and now she's gone forever. I'll never see her again. They tell me so many lies, all the time lie after lie, keep telling me i will one day see her but that day never comes. I follow the tasks, i do the tests, i fail them and that day never comes. I did some tests last week, they said i'd see her if i did them, i did them and said do i get to see her now and the answer was no, it's always no.

The only chance i have to regain any chance of a (vaguely) normal life is to go far away from where i am. I know that i'll never regain true sanity, events will always keep repeating in my mind, but maybe, just maybe, if i go far away from here over time i'll start to forget and focus on my life in a new place. I have a job interview a long way from where i am currently living. I hope i can hold it together and i don't melt down during that. I want to be away - i want a new life - i want to try and rebuild my sanity. I have been on the verge of going several times before but each time they use the same tactics to keep me in place, they say, well if you go then you never will have the chance to see your loved one again, that worked, several times. But it will not this time. I know that i am not going to be allowed to see her again whatever happens.

The other factor that makes me determined to leave is the direct and destructive manipulation they have put me through. They have made me so unbalanced at times
and then they use that as one of the excuses as to why i can't see her, you're too unbalanced, no you can't see her. I've been manipulated and portrayed as something that i am not. I am not a violent person, i have have been and i never will be, i'm a peace loving hippie. I will never, ever, as long as i live, no matter how much i am provoked, or manipulated, or controlled, or driven to the brink of absolute insanity, do violence to anyone, never. They may choose to lie all the like to suit their own ends, but i will not respond with violence. I will not play that game with them, i will not let them win that way.

I despise the way that i have been manipulated for reasons unknown to me, and never to be known. When i decide to leave they use a range of tactics to keep me in place, top of the bill is you'll never see your loved one again if you go (that one worked time and time again), next up is you'll die if you leave, then after that is the we'll stitch you up on some charge and have you put away if you leave (it's been a living nightmare, and absolutely living nightmare). They tell me they are trying to help me but there is only so far you can go with that type of justification. My good friend said to me a couple of days ago, "we were sitting in your flat talking" 3 of us were there talking at the time "and i deliberately left you out of the conversation and just talked to your mate instead, i just didn't want to talk to you because i looked at your face and you looked just utterly overwhelmed with everything, just overwhelmed like you couldn't manage anything".

The thing is that's how i spend so much of my time, i can't find sanity, i can achieve a peaceful demeanour at times but always i'll keep replaying everything over and over in my head. Last year in the middle of summer i moved out of my flat and moved to a friends house for a month. The transformation was remarkable, truly remarkable, i started eating again, i was calmed, relaxed, at ease. It made a world of difference. That's why i know i have to move away from here. My current place of living will destroy me before it's finished with me. Maybe they have been trying to help me in some collateral way but i just so get the impression that my well fair is secondary and has been along, maybe i'm wrong but at what price does the end good become too much to pay for whatever good was achieved along the way. So go i must, it's absolutely essential. Even if i don't get the job this week i shall stay where i'm going, just come back for my stuff in a week or two. I have family nearby where i am going and i'll just explain that i've had way too many problems to come back to where i live now. I'll try not to go in to too much specific detail with them, just say i've had too much mental health problems and too much financial problems (which is the truth). I know once i tell them how difficult it has been they will insist that i stay. I'll always have to wonder what happened, why i failed, what i missed out on, maybe i was so close, maybe i was on the verge of something miraculous. Maybe, i was one going to see my loved one again. But enough is enough, i simply can't do it anymore. Everything was all so conflicting, none of the instructions ever made sense, all was so massively cryptic that i couldn't make sense of it. I wanted to so badly.

So, in answer to the poster above. This was my very long winded way of saying i understand completely where you are coming from. i know totally where you are at, i to went back to school and failed, and failed, and failed and failed. I have no clue how many times, just way too many. It's taken way too much of my life already and it can't take anymore. Maybe that was my lesson, go back where you belong, you are looking for something that isn't here anymore. I don't know, i never will now.

I'll never find my loved one again, she's gone from me. I searched and searched but all trace of her has simply vanished. I worried and worried and worried. I have never stopped worrying from then till now. They tell me not to worry - that she's with them. Maybe she is, and totally happy there in some other world, but it means i'll never see her again, and the truth was i just couldn't get over that. I just couldn't let it go, i've been frantic beyond belief with worry. It's another reason why i have to leave here, every where i go i think of her. I just need to go and put the past behind me. I'm not going to listen to anymore voices, none of them ever made sense anyway, all they did was make more and more confused till i couldn't find reality anymore. I'm tired of being told not to worry, bollocks to not worrying, show me anyone who has a loved one vanish from the face of the earth and not worry about it. F**k that, who in their right mind would experience that and then be content with a little voice telepathically telling them not to worry. I mean really! F**king seriously, that cuts it does it?! Telepathic voice, yeah don't worry mate, keep doing these bizare rituals and tests and don't worry about it! What f**king genius thought of that!?

So, to sum it all up! I'll take an F for school, f**k school, let's just say i flunked, he couldn't hack it, not genius material. Plenty of effort but not quite up to the standard intellectually. I'll take that. I don't care if the world's going to end or whatever other f**king catastrophe is going to befall it. I'm stuck here, that's that! Over and out, end of transmission.
 
0

0RRHH1

Well-known member
Joined
May 14, 2012
Messages
237
#10
hey guys, just wanted to say thanks for the hugs, love you all and i hope you are doing ok?
 
0

0RRHH1

Well-known member
Joined
May 14, 2012
Messages
237
#11
I know that feeling. Its like some people have had their 'settings' calibrated in a certain way that makes them almost always come out on top. And then there are others like myself who always lose....the best we get is A for effort. I have that feeling that there is a wall between myself and any lasting self respect. I am worse than a loser. I am a wanna-be. A spectacular one. For all of my epic delusions, I remain a deeply ridiculous creature. I can easiky decieve myself into believing I am some sort of powerhouse of one kind or another. I should just keep my mouth shut and stop trying to be anything but a non-descript. That would be a step up. The problem is that I get ambitious. But, due to my loser 'setting,' that ambition is bound to end in some laughable way. I dont think that the world has treated me unfairly as far as the people in my life or societal institutions. But I hate the universe for making me inherently ridiculous and childish in my ambitions. I hate the universe for making me so self defeating in my impulsiveness. And I hate the universe for making me just smart enough to recognize how much of a fantasy prone loser I am but not smart enough to change it. I hate the universe for making me annoying rather than charismatic. I hate the universe for making my enthusiasm repellent rather than contageous. I tried to change things. Went back to school. But its still me with my dark cloud. I dont care about much else but earning respect from myself. But it seems like something I will never be able to do. I feel like an imposter in my job and that I will soon be exposed.
I've blown my budget lovey. I'm really sorry, i just was clueless, not the first clue what i was really supposed to be doing. Even if i could somehow get another budget or mortgage myself to the hilt i'd still be clueless so it would just be a waste. I waited a lifetime for that one oh so special person and then blew it. I'll love you always, loved you so much i couldn't get over you. I got so confused, so lost, i couldn't work out anything, it was a mystery the like i'd never solve by myself, and you were riding on it and then just meant the performance anxiety was insurmountable. I love you and i'll always love you, there never was meant to be anyone else, just distractions to try and take as apart. You may be gone but there never will be anyone to take your place, you were, and are, and always will be irreplaceable. You can't replace the one true love.