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Borderline Personality Person here-don't want to give in to neediness.

S

Selfhealing

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Oct 9, 2021
Messages
81
Location
South West England
I have strong urges to act needy towards people but I don't want to give in to them and put them off.
I struggle to cope with instant messenger when my messages are not responded to even though I know they have been seen.
I want to say "Why did you not reply to my message you were online"
I don't because I don't want to look like a stalker.
Any ideas how to get down with letting people reply to my messages in THEIR time, not mine?
I take it personally when messages are not replied to when I know people are online and not busy, say in a pub or something.
 
Tawny

Tawny

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Location
England
Someone said to me, have many people in your life and move around them, so nobody gets worn out. By that i think it means it is important to forgive people if they get annoyed with us.

I feel easily smothered by certain people. I really enjoy my own company and become absorbed in my hobbies and interests. I like lots of peace, music, long baths and doing my own thing. I do love talking to people though and supporting them. I have other people i lean on when i need help.

Maybe the people you speak to on instant messages, are similar to me?

It takes so much strength for them not to reply to your message i would think. And so much strength for you not to need a reply quickly.

I think you just need to feel your way, adapt your behaviour and see how things go. If you make a mistake, apologise and try to change or just try to change.

Some people are more needy than others and that is ok. It is not your fault and you are working hard to not overwhelm and stress others.
 
LoqLamp

LoqLamp

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It was a massive deal to me before when people wouldn’t respond. It’s just with age and a better understanding of the people in question I’ve been better able to shrug it off. Everyone’s different and it’s important to not take everything to heart. I’ve only gotten better at it with age sadly.
 
stevie_sloth

stevie_sloth

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For me, I struggle with this too but only with my Favourite Person. Everyone else I'm fine with. My FP I think about all the time so the time between messages drags and then I feel neglected or angry. Like...I know it's irrational, but I want to be a top priority in her life. I want to be someone she wants to talk to all the time like I want to talk to her all the time. If I feel needy and don't show it, I feel resentful and hurt. Like she doesn't care. It's my fear of abandonment coming through. My fear of not being enough.

But...with age (hopefully) comes wisdom, and at 43, I realise that she DOES love me as one of her best friends, that I am not her FP (and that she doesn't have one), that she is very busy and she is allowed to have a life and enjoy things and take time out for herself to do whatever she wants, which will sometimes include talking to me and sometimes not. And both are ok.
 
S

Selfhealing

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 9, 2021
Messages
81
Location
South West England
Someone said to me, have many people in your life and move around them, so nobody gets worn out. By that i think it means it is important to forgive people if they get annoyed with us.

I feel easily smothered by certain people. I really enjoy my own company and become absorbed in my hobbies and interests. I like lots of peace, music, long baths and doing my own thing. I do love talking to people though and supporting them. I have other people i lean on when i need help.

Maybe the people you speak to on instant messages, are similar to me?

It takes so much strength for them not to reply to your message i would think. And so much strength for you not to need a reply quickly.

I think you just need to feel your way, adapt your behaviour and see how things go. If you make a mistake, apologise and try to change or just try to change.

Some people are more needy than others and that is ok. It is not your fault and you are working hard to not overwhelm and stress others.
Thank you for your reply.
I aim to be independent, free, and self sufficient.
I am blunt and come out and tell people I wish not to sound needy and the feedback so far is that I am not.
I like your advice about feeling my way, that's what I have been doing and it seem to be working well for me.
 
S

Selfhealing

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 9, 2021
Messages
81
Location
South West England
For me, I struggle with this too but only with my Favourite Person. Everyone else I'm fine with. My FP I think about all the time so the time between messages drags and then I feel neglected or angry. Like...I know it's irrational, but I want to be a top priority in her life. I want to be someone she wants to talk to all the time like I want to talk to her all the time. If I feel needy and don't show it, I feel resentful and hurt. Like she doesn't care. It's my fear of abandonment coming through. My fear of not being enough.

But...with age (hopefully) comes wisdom, and at 43, I realise that she DOES love me as one of her best friends, that I am not her FP (and that she doesn't have one), that she is very busy and she is allowed to have a life and enjoy things and take time out for herself to do whatever she wants, which will sometimes include talking to me and sometimes not. And both are ok.
I like your honest post.
I like the FP analogy.
I can relate to it.
I learnt that there are many reasons why my messages are not replied to when I want, and it doesn't mean I am not cared about.
I fear putting people off and them abandoning me, but only parts of me have these fears, other parts come in and say, "The art of waiting" is a good thing and people can care and also have their own lives at the same time.
You sound like you are gaining wisdom. We gain wisdom until the day we die, hopefully at a very old age and peacefully.
I like to seek wisdom, I am 55 and feel like I am learning things I could have done with learning as a child, but better late than never.
 
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