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Borderline Personality Disorder

S

Sarah2020

Member
Joined
Oct 2, 2020
Messages
18
Location
Australia
Hi Sarah!
My depression and anxiety was diagnosed in 5 years ago. This year BPD was diagnosed. I was very happy when I got answers why I was feeling like that for so many years. Now, I know the name of my problem. But I was sad at the same time when I researched about BPD. It is a very serious problem and there are no well defined treatment for this. I mean there are treatments like Dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT). But therapies take time and lot of efforts.

I am seeing a Psychiatrist and Psychologist. I am on meds also.

Some days are good and some are really bad.
It feels like a roller-coaster ride on daily basis.

Are you seeing a doctor or counsellor (therapist) ?
What meds are you taking ?
Hi Jasmine,

I can relate to your expression of life feeling like a roller coaster at times. As though we at some point decisively climbed into the carriage, knowingly put on our seat belts, wanting to feel the thrill of being alive, no different to anyone else on the ride. Except the borderlines are on the highest roller coaster, going faster, with more ups and downs and no end in sight. While it seems the others are comfortable on the smaller kids ride, a predictable circuit of ups and downs, lefts and rights, a sense of control and certainty of when the ride ends. For the borderline, trialing out the fastest, highest and longest roller coaster ride... the slow, certain momentum of the coaster picks up speed as it thrusts it’s carriages down the steepest incline ever built by man! So fast, the borderlines feel their worlds often filled with chaotic ups and downs, strapped into their human carriage, thrust from right to left, up then down, emotionally disregulated and tormented, with no predictable road map, every turn and thrust up or down, one by one all flashing before the borderlines face, blinking eyes inside a head trying to decipher everything, with each blink a click of a photographers lens, snapshot by snapshot. For how does a mind filling with emotional traumas, the suicidal lows, the manic highs, the hits and blows taken on each turn. A roller coaster ride across ones life so expanse, photographic film reels out in ribbons, frame after frame, nothing left but to dance in the wind, overexposed shots cast out on the films unravelled reels, dancing in the wind to the borderlines mind, impulsively playing with the ribbons, the photographic evidence to make sense of the madness, now exposed to but sadness, the pity on the faces of those hoping off the smaller more predictable roller coaster as they looked over at the screaming faces, filled with fear and uncertainty as they continued on their hell of a ride! Everything flashing past so fast, all the trauma, all the torment, all memories lost and left dancing across photographic film, reflecting the suns gaze, blinding eyes already struggling to see, the light of day, scorched brown cinematic frames, the parched and dry dusty earth, the very existence of self but carbon molecules of dust, lie in wait, on a bed of earth, a life laid to rest, so others would suggest, time no longer the test, disenfranchised to a shallow grave, a body caught between two worlds, stigmatised by the others as a lost cause, a loser in the race, one by one all b
Hi Sarah!
My depression and anxiety was diagnosed in 5 years ago. This year BPD was diagnosed. I was very happy when I got answers why I was feeling like that for so many years. Now, I know the name of my problem. But I was sad at the same time when I researched about BPD. It is a very serious problem and there are no well defined treatment for this. I mean there are treatments like Dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT). But therapies take time and lot of efforts.

I am seeing a Psychiatrist and Psychologist. I am on meds also.

Some days are good and some are really bad.
It feels like a roller-coaster ride on daily basis.

Are you seeing a doctor or counsellor (therapist) ?
What meds are you taking ?
Hi Jasmine,

Reading your post made me think of all I have been through. First the diagnosis of clinical depression and anxiety (20 years ago), then this year only recently the BPD diagnosis. I was in denial at first, I found clinical depression as something I have a handle on, an experience of temporary mental illness that I can treat. Whereas BPD seemed like a stigmatised label of an enduring emotionally unstable personality, and in many ways I feared how this diagnosis could impact my future personal relationships. I can see weak men already shouting out after we break up “she was crazy” “she’s borderline”, meanwhile he could have physically assaulted me and was so jealous he controlled my life... but all and everything will be blamed on this diagnosis.

I 💯 relate to feeling like being on a roller coaster. Before being medicated and diagnosed I experienced mood swings (between my episodes of clinical depression), apathy, lack of volition, suicidal thoughts, sadness, then days when I felt happy and manic - mood swings all the time. At least the diagnosis of BPD helps me reconcile and treat my undiagnosed mood swings.

my situation is similar to yours. I’m currently on meds and seeing a psychiatrist and psychologist. I take 150mg Effexor antidepressant medication in the morning, 5 mg benzodiazepines when needed for anxiety then quetiapine at night and more benzo’s only if needed. Insomnia and stress played a major role in my mood swings. Sleeping better has helped.

yes you are right DBT looks like the most effective treatment. I can’t afford a private DBT therapist on top of my current regime. Have you started DBT? Maybe there is an online therapy group we could join? I will search online.

What meds are you taking? Just the antidepressants, I find I’m no longer suicidal after taking the meds. At least one component treated!!

looking forward to talking more!
Sarah
 
J

jasmine27

Member
Joined
Sep 21, 2020
Messages
24
Location
Canada
Hi Jasmine,

Reading your post made me think of all I have been through. First the diagnosis of clinical depression and anxiety (20 years ago), then this year only recently the BPD diagnosis. I was in denial at first, I found clinical depression as something I have a handle on, an experience of temporary mental illness that I can treat. Whereas BPD seemed like a stigmatised label of an enduring emotionally unstable personality, and in many ways I feared how this diagnosis could impact my future personal relationships. I can see weak men already shouting out after we break up “she was crazy” “she’s borderline”, meanwhile he could have physically assaulted me and was so jealous he controlled my life... but all and everything will be blamed on this diagnosis.

I 💯 relate to feeling like being on a roller coaster. Before being medicated and diagnosed I experienced mood swings (between my episodes of clinical depression), apathy, lack of volition, suicidal thoughts, sadness, then days when I felt happy and manic - mood swings all the time. At least the diagnosis of BPD helps me reconcile and treat my undiagnosed mood swings.

my situation is similar to yours. I’m currently on meds and seeing a psychiatrist and psychologist. I take 150mg Effexor antidepressant medication in the morning, 5 mg benzodiazepines when needed for anxiety then quetiapine at night and more benzo’s only if needed. Insomnia and stress played a major role in my mood swings. Sleeping better has helped.

yes you are right DBT looks like the most effective treatment. I can’t afford a private DBT therapist on top of my current regime. Have you started DBT? Maybe there is an online therapy group we could join? I will search online.

What meds are you taking? Just the antidepressants, I find I’m no longer suicidal after taking the meds. At least one component treated!!

looking forward to talking more!
Sarah
[/QUOTE]


Indeed every single day is a roller coaster. Currently, I am taking Quetiapine (Seroquel) 100mg at night, Mirtazpine (Remeron) 45mg at night and Clonazepam 0.25mg when needed.
But most of the time I avoid taking Clonazepam because I feel bad for taking so many medicines, I feel a sense of dependence.

Recently, I am not getting a night of good sleep. My doctor gave me a medicine to sleep. I tried taking that medicine but it gives metallic and bitter taste in the mouth throughout the day. So, I stopped taking that one and next week maybe he will give me another one to sleep.

I am not exactly suicidal but I have thoughts of suicide. Like how everyone around me would react if I am no more. These days I hurt myself a lot, I get angry and I start smashing things or punching the walls. It is way out for me from my sadness and loneliness.

With this therapist, I guess it's been a year now. I am improving but the problem with BPD is it takes a hell lot of time to see improvements.

Last month, my therapist and I started working on this book called "The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook" by Matthew McKay, Jeffrey Brantley and Jeffrey C. Wood.

I am learning new coping strategies, how to control emotions and how to deal with anger, what alternatives I can use without getting seriously injured or hurt. (Like holding ice cubes)
Apart from DBT, I don't know what techniques my therapist has used till now. Maybe I'll ask him next week and tell you.

I am sorry I don't know much about online resources and I can see you are from Australia else I know one app called MY SSP in Canada.
This app is available 24/7, you can chat or call with counsellors whenever you are feeling low.

Hope you have a good weekend!
 
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