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borderline personality disorder? HELP

T

tryingtogetthrough

Guest
Okay so I really would like to know of anyone's experience and story surrounding BPD. I just want anyone's help. Please read what I have to say and tell me what you think.
Okay, so for the past few months I've been experiencing intense and rapid changes in mood and perception. One minute I'm happy and joyful,and the next (quite literally) I'm sad. Sometimes there's no reason, but most times, everything bad or sad that happened/will happen in the future, hits me. it's like I can't live in the present, I'm either stuck in my past with every.single. mistake I've EVER made or I'm stuck in the future. I have very "what if" thinking. E.g. what if, I leave the house and while I'm gone someone breaks into the house, and my mum and sister are attacked and I could have stayed and saved them. Or what if,I leave the house and hurt someone, and I come home and just have no memory of it. I can twist everything into being my fault quite severely and sub consciously.

The next thing that I have REALLY noticed is my loss of identity and this is the scariest thing ever. I don't feel like I know me anymore,who I am. When I'm with groups of people, I find myself really struggle to recognise who I am and what I should say and think, so I say what I think they want me to say and what will make me fit in more. I'll talk similar to them, do similar actions. if you threw me in a room with my work colleagues,my family, and my friends from high school and tafe, I wouldn't know 100% how to act. Like I have to really impress each individual.
I also have a massive fear of abandonment, I fear the day people leave me,maybe because I become who is around me. if you're happy, I'm happy, if you're sad... I'm sad. its quite robotic and artificial, and I know that I'm doing it and I tell myself "just be you," but i struggle to identify who I am. I find that because I have no idea who I am,I can only impress with how I look. I don't personally find myself very attractive,I have very low self worth and confidence. But lately my friend group has formed into mainly guys, because I find keeping them easier than girls. I have self harmed in the past, but this sudden "loss of identity" and "fear of abandonment" has only happened in the past 4 months, but the rest of bpd symptoms I could mainly relate to.
If I liked a guy, and he did something g that upset me or that embarrased himself,I remember not liking him became scarily easily for me to jump to.
I've only ever mainly had 1 really close friend that I put most of my effort into, which is a downfall.
I can sometimes turn my emotions off like a switch to deal with them,otherwise they hit me too hard to the point where suicidal thoughts occur.
Okay, I'll leave it at that. that's only about half of everything.
But yes, I should probably mention that 4 months ago, the reason why this started could have been because it was a very stressful time. 1) I finished high school 2) didn't know what to do after. 3) friends moving away 4) best friend who was like a sister,drifted away from me. 5) had a massive falling out with a couple of my friends ds 6) have a completely new social circle and different life.
Also, I have experienced intense and crushing intrusive thoughts, and depersonalisation in stressful events which is terrifying
 
Davey Blueeyes

Davey Blueeyes

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Jul 22, 2013
Messages
756
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Isle of Wight
It's wonderful, isn't it? No one needs labels, they need support.

You need a psychiatrist referral.
 
B

Breathless

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Mar 20, 2015
Messages
65
Dbt is great for reducing self harming behaviour and suicidality. If you self harm during dbt your therapist will focus on it so much that you will stop self harming just to get her to shut up about it!
 
S

secretsurvivor1

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Sep 27, 2013
Messages
306
Location
SW UK
it sounds like u r having a terrible struggle and things are coming to crisis point perhaps. I suggest you ask for a double doctor appointment, maybe write a list of points and ASK FOR HELP! The worst thing about all these anxieties is feeling alone with them.

I have BPD and I have a lot of your symptoms, but they can be due to other mental health diagnoses as well. Have you been told you have BPD?

It can be unhelpful for you to get advice on here for severe mental health symptoms when we don't know all the facts. As a person struggling myself, and not a professional, I do not feel qualified to advise on diagnosis but I think it is important to ask for help. Maybe if you can be clear about a specific problem or event I could give you feedback, but your message is very wide-ranging and I don't know how to help except to say I care.
Please stay safe and ask for help from a medical professional. Hugs.
 
T

tryingtogetthrough

Guest
if you read my other post on my page, you might start to understand it more. It's getting really unbearable, I just get through my day now, I dont enjoy it. I'm 17, I don't want to be this way forced. thank you all for your posts
 
S

secretsurvivor1

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Messages
306
Location
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I have read some of your other posts now, and commented, please look, hope you get the help you need, concerned
 
K

kurealty

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Mar 21, 2015
Messages
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My daughter has BPD and so much of what you are describing sounds like what she experiences. I hope you are getting a proper diagnosis and treatment because there absolutely is treatment for BPD. A lot of it involves DBT but also one on one therapy. Just know that what you are experiencing is not really you, but symptoms that are treatable, just like if you have a friend with Diabetes who needs medications to control that disorder - there is no difference - it is just that mental health disorders are finally now being talked about as medical conditions!
 
T

tryingtogetthrough

Guest
My daughter has BPD and so much of what you are describing sounds like what she experiences. I hope you are getting a proper diagnosis and treatment because there absolutely is treatment for BPD. A lot of it involves DBT but also one on one therapy. Just know that what you are experiencing is not really you, but symptoms that are treatable, just like if you have a friend with Diabetes who needs medications to control that disorder - there is no difference - it is just that mental health disorders are finally now being talked about as medical conditions!
It's really really crippling. Especially because I can recognise the symptoms in the way I think and act, I know it's different from others or not really right, in a sense,but I can't help it. Its like no other thought or action comes into my head, so that's when I start to mirror other people's reactions because I don't know how to act, I dont 100% know who I am,sometimes I grasp it and I remember, but then it leaves if I don't concentrate on it. It's very tough to get this at such a crucial time in my life, I'm transitioning into the "real world" from school, my friends are leaving me doing their own thing, and I'm dealing with stresses that can sometimes send me into depersonalization or just a bad state of mind if I'm not really careful. I also get confused really easily and my memory is terrible
 
K

kurealty

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Mar 21, 2015
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This is very important - are you getting help at this time? Do you have a psychiatrist or therapist? If not please please ask for help. BPD is hard enough even with help, but sufferers must have professional help, especially when things are getting as hard as you describe. You are obviously very bright and self-aware. This is a medical need and if you don't have a doctor, you need one now. You also need support in the way of therapy, a DBT group, anything like this.
 
T

tryingtogetthrough

Guest
This is very important - are you getting help at this time? Do you have a psychiatrist or therapist? If not please please ask for help. BPD is hard enough even with help, but sufferers must have professional help, especially when things are getting as hard as you describe. You are obviously very bright and self-aware. This is a medical need and if you don't have a doctor, you need one now. You also need support in the way of therapy, a DBT group, anything like this.
At the moment I'm waiting until the 10th of April to see a councillor, I got put on lexam from my doctor which I've been taking for the past 3 days... I didn't describe to my doctor EVERYTHING, I told her the basics but I didn't really tell her my bpd symptoms, at the time they weren't really there, it tricks me sometimes and leaves for an hour or two if I'm lucky. I really don't want this, but it feels like I'm stuck with it because it's me, it's who I am and I hate it, I hate getting up in the morning because I hate who I have become and nothing can stop it
 
K

kurealty

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Listen, it is not you. My daughter feels exactly the things your last sentence conveyed. It is an untreated medical condition-please think if it like that. I am so glad you are seeing a counselor on April 10 but I would really urge you to tell your doc everything. If they don't have the whole story they can't help as much. I'm so glad you are writing here because you are talking about it. That beats just being with it by yourself. The treatments for BPD are very clear and that's the good news. Your doc needs to know so he/she can maybe hasten the rt treatment. Keep writing and talking about it. And tell the doc as soon as possible that you haven't described everything. Meds are a small part of how BPD is treated.
 
T

TinaB

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Sep 16, 2012
Messages
50
Am I right in thinking you don't have a diagnosis? You sound like a text book when you describe your symptoms, maybe give the counselling time to work. Bpd should take time to be diagnose especially at your age when even with your early experiences identity, stress etc is fairly common. Don't jump to any conclusions as yet.
 
T

tryingtogetthrough

Guest
Listen, it is not you. My daughter feels exactly the things your last sentence conveyed. It is an untreated medical condition-please think if it like that. I am so glad you are seeing a counselor on April 10 but I would really urge you to tell your doc everything. If they don't have the whole story they can't help as much. I'm so glad you are writing here because you are talking about it. That beats just being with it by yourself. The treatments for BPD are very clear and that's the good news. Your doc needs to know so he/she can maybe hasten the rt treatment. Keep writing and talking about it. And tell the doc as soon as possible that you haven't described everything. Meds are a small part of how BPD is treated.
Thank you, next time I see my doctor I'm going to tell her everyrhig I'm feeling. And I'm going to make sure the councillor also knows everything. Thanks again I appreciate everyone's help I'll keep yous updated on diagnosis
 
T

tryingtogetthrough

Guest
I haven't been diagnosed no, and I'm not saying that I definitely suffer from it, but the symptoms that I described are all me and what I experience. They may sound a little textbook because I've researched the illness so I understand the symptoms well And have realised that I identify with them... I'm hopefully going to get it all sorted when I start seeing someone soon
 
S

secretsurvivor1

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Messages
306
Location
SW UK
You may have BPD but maybe not. You are suffering mental health symptoms. You are struggling with identity and self esteem, memory problems and depression. It is possible that, as you are in a time of great change and huge pressure, this may be much more temporary than the outlook for a person with BPD. Your symptoms could be due to very high stress, anxiety and depression. It is possible that, when you into your new adult situation and find stability and friendship, these symptoms could slowly disappear. I suppose, I thing to bear in mind is that the symptoms of mental illness include how it is to be human and normal, but that they can get exaggerated or uncomfortable enough to be called illness. It is normal to zone out under pressure sometimes, it is normal to feel overwhelmed in very overwhelming situations. I hope you don't have the long-term mental health problem of BPD, which most often develops due to a traumatic and/or abusive childhood. I really hope they do something for you before April as it seems a long way off for the distress you are suffering. Hugs
 
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