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Borderline Personality Disorder - Has anyone experienced something like this?

L

l23

New member
Joined
Oct 26, 2020
Messages
2
Location
Australia
TRIGGER WARNING: possible sexual assault

I recently got really drunk and the morning after I woke up still drunk and for some reason I asked a guy that I’d had sex with before a couple years back if I could come over. He bought some alcohol and eventually we had sex that I initiated.

During sex he hurt me really hard without asking for consent if he could. He left bruises on my neck and massive hickeys. I have to go to work on tuesday and have to try and cover them with makeup. He also attempted other forms of sex without asking for consent prior and stopped as soon as I yelled out in pain.

I’ve been recovering for about a month from my BPD and I think this was a relapse. I didn’t want to do it yet I didn’t not want to do it. It was like I had no feelings the entire time and only regretted it at about 4 am when I woke up. It was like I came to and realised what I’ve done.

I was recently in a very intense toxic relationship for six months where we abused a lot of drugs and I eventually got admitted into a psych ward because he left to go to the country for work and I couldn’t handle being away from him that long because of my codependency and massive fears of abandonment. It wasn’t until after the psych ward when I got started on a mood stabiliser that I realised he was very toxic for me and I broke up with him. I put him on such a pedestal i didn’t realise any of this at all. After this I was single for a month (I had one week where I got together with a guy online that I had dated years ago but I don’t want to count it as it was for a couple days and I realised very quickly thats not what I want in order to recover) and this has the longest I’ve been single. I usually get with another guy the day after I break up with someone as I can’t handle being alone.

I don’t want to think of it as sexual assault and would rather think of it as a relapse in my mental illness. I just can’t stop ruminating about it. I didn’t even realise how awful he was until I “came to”, he constantly talked over me - would barely let me get a word in. I didn’t recognise any of these red flags at all.

I’m also upset because he didn’t cuddle me to sleep at all and honestly thats the only thing I did want because I’ve been terrified of sleeping alone ever since I broke up with my previous boyfriend.

I just really want some support because I feel disgusted over the whole thing. I can’t believe I did that. I also want to know if anyone else with BPD has experienced the same thing where they kind of go blank and have no feelings attached to the situation until they realise what they’ve done and come back to reality.

Thanks.
 
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bpd2020

bpd2020

Well-known member
Joined
May 25, 2020
Messages
6,755
Location
England
Hello 123 and welcome to the forum. I am so sorry this has happened. I can understand you craving affection and reaching out to this person for it. It sounds like he was very abusive towards you. I am guessing being alone got to painful and that is why you reached out to this man. I can relate to you going numb and blanking out what happened. I am guessing this man did not realise you were not present during what happened. I can understand why you feel you were assaulted. I am so sorry you are hurting.

You realising your ex was not right for you and ending things is a huge step forward. I know how hard it is to be alone even if the person we are with is damaging us. I would continue with therapy as it takes time to learn how to be alone and to recognise abusive people.

You have not done anything wrong. You reached out for affection and company through not wanting to be alone. I am just so sorry it was with somebody who was unable to be kind to you.
 
L

l23

New member
Joined
Oct 26, 2020
Messages
2
Location
Australia
Hello 123 and welcome to the forum. I am so sorry this has happened. I can understand you craving affection and reaching out to this person for it. It sounds like he was very abusive towards you. I am guessing being alone got to painful and that is why you reached out to this man. I can relate to you going numb and blanking out what happened. I am guessing this man did not realise you were not present during what happened. I can understand why you feel you were assaulted. I am so sorry you are hurting.

You realising your ex was not right for you and ending things is a huge step forward. I know how hard it is to be alone even if the person we are with is damaging us. I would continue with therapy as it takes time to learn how to be alone and to recognise abusive people.

You have not done anything wrong. You reached out for affection and company through not wanting to be alone. I am just so sorry it was with somebody who was unable to be kind to you.
Thank you for your support, it really helped ❤
 
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