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Borderline Personality Disorder/Emotionally unstable personality disorder

K

Krytek

Member
Joined
Apr 17, 2015
Messages
6
Borderline Personality Disorder/Emotionally unstable personality disorder

Greetings! This is my first time posting here, and while I am doing it I am overrun with emotions. I would like to first apologies for my incoherence and my long post.

I would like to start with kinda introducing myself. I am a European White Male at the age of 22(soon to be 23). My occupation at the moment is full time working student who is taking a gap year from university. And here is where my problems begin. Being a student abroad was the worst thing that happened to me. When I went back home to my country of origin last winter I decided to go and see a specialist because after my last relationship I couldn't bare the pain and spend my whole summer locked between four walls all alone. No people to talk to, no motivation to go out and enjoy the beautiful weather. The reason I went to study abroad was because of my true love.( a girl which I would like to call K.) (keep in mind that these two relationships are with different people). Nevertheless, back to the topic I went to see a specialist and after several discussions with him I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. At first I didn't know what that even means. He explained it to me briefly. A few days after that I was having my flight back to my place of study, but he advised me to see medical attention as soon as I go back. When I went back home after that session I didn't know what to think, so I decided to read on the internet on what it actually means to have BPD. I was astonished by how accurately everything described me. I've been feeling like this my whole life and I've been experiencing the same emotional mood swings. Everything just fit me to a T. The first one I told was my flatmate who even confirmed that everything describes me so perfectly.

I've always had trouble letting go people and a lot of time I would just feel empty. As if like my whole being was just a shell and everything which is happening around me isn't real. Even at this very moment I feel like I am alone in this world. I am surrounded by so many people everyday and yet I would just put a smile and say " I am great! Thank you for asking!" This emptiness, this hole where my heart should be, I feel like it's getting bigger and bigger everyday. And since my flatmate( who was my only close person, the one I would just feel comfort when he is around me) found a girlfriend and started spending almost all of his time with her. We barely even speak these days. I am really happy for him, because he deserves it. He knows how much he means to me. However, since we can't see each other any more I feel not only empty, but lonely and lost. I feel like I am a child forced to live in an adult world. I've been through so many life hardships (my father was abusing me and my mother when I was a child, his parents would fight with knives in front of me, my grandma and grandpa who took us in after the divorce hit bankruptcy when the Financial Crisis hit, and now I have to take care for my mother who had a heavy cancer surgery recently. I can only help her financially since we are so far apart) Yet, even through all the hardships I went through I didn't feel bad about them. They were forcing me to go forward.

This emotionless body of mine was put through a lot of self-harm. I've stopped eating and sleeping properly. I am a smoker and many times I would prefer having a cig instead of grabbing a snack. There are days where I go without eating even. I just live on cigarettes and energy drinks. As for my sleep, at first I started forcefully keeping myself awake for days, and then I would go to bed just for a couple of hours. However in the last year, my body feels so tired that I would sleep for 12-13 hours a day and when I wake up I just don't see a reason to go out of bed. It's like the void inside me is sucking everything and no matter how many hobbies I try to find they can't fill it up. There were even times where I would just start self harming.

I just can't picture myself. I can't create a solid image of me inside of my head. It feels like I don't know what I am doing with my life. Lost is how I can best name it. All of my relationships have ended in a really agonizing for me way. I would stay in my room for weeks and contemplate about what I could have done better and I just think that everything was my fault. That everything that went bad happened because of me.

A lot of times I act recklessly and don't think of the consequences. Most of the time would be reckless spending and I would find myself with no money just 10 days after my payday. Even when I am at work, there are times when I would burst into an argument for small things. This happens with my friends as well. I would just burst and this anger will hope right out of me for no reason. Even I can't explain it.

I've started abusing illegal substances for an year now. I've been smoking pot in huge quantities a day. It helps me just shut my brain and emotions. At least for a little while. It's not like I don't enjoy it. I do, sometimes, but most of the times I do it just because I feel like I need to.

It's been several months since I got diagnosed. In the beginning I was feeling okay. All of the symptoms went away after I found about my disorder. However in the last month I feel like total crap. I can barely get out of bed. Two weeks ago, was the first time I started thinking that the best thing to would be just to disappear from the face of the world. This way the pain and emptiness will go away and I would never have to feel them again. This is when I called to book an appointment with my doctor. It's for next week. Nevertheless, I think that he wouldn't be able to help. To be honest, I don't think that there would ever be a day that someone can help me. My friends joke about me being insane and that this is just depression and I should man-up and snap out of it. My flatmate agrees with them. He thinks I should try and do things instead of just sitting there and saying how bad I feel. They just don't get it that I am trying but I still feel empty deep inside. No matter how much I try to, the feeling is just staying there, like it's my being.

I've never felt this alone and empty. The pain inside is just too much for me to handle. I've started crying tonight for the first time in years and I just can't stop. This is what makes me write this long post. I would like to know if there are other people going through the same and what helps them. I don't want to be like this anymore. I want to be happy! I feel miserable. What is the point in living????? HELP ME PLEASE, I AM BEGGING YOU! NO ONE AROUND ME UNDERSTANDS HOW I FEEL. I JUST WANT TO LIVE A NORMAL LIFE, NOT ONE FILLED WITH EMPTINESS AND LONELINESS!!!!
 
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AliceinWonderland

AliceinWonderland

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Jan 25, 2012
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Hi Krytek, welcome to the forum. I hope you don't mind, but I've flagged up your post to the mods/admin to suggest it's moved to the BPD section where it might get more responses from people with similar experiences.

You sound very desperate and in a great deal of emotional pain. I'm glad you've written about how you're feeling, it's so important to feel someone understands and gets it. It's awful feeling so lonely and cut off from everything, and when even your friends don't understand and are dismisssive, it isn't a case of just 'manning-up'. I've felt like you do, and I know others here have too. I hope you stay and talk some more. I think talking, knowing I'm not the only one to have felt this way, and getting professional help, in particular therapy, is what's helped me.
 
katya

katya

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Dec 4, 2013
Messages
2,052
Location
England
Hello and :welcome:

I'm so sorry you're going through this right now. It's good that you've been diagnosed, though - hopefully you'll be able to seek out therapies/medications that might help you and prevent you from feeling this low?

Wish you all the best.
 
K

Krytek

Member
Joined
Apr 17, 2015
Messages
6
I would like to apologise for putting in in the wrong section. I thought this describes me best! Well, I am going to see my practitioner next week, so I hope he can help me in some way.
 
calypso

calypso

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:welcome: to the forum. I think Krytek that you may have BPD, if the doc says so and you agree, but you also may be in a depression. The two can often go together, and I think you may need help with the depression too - but of course I can't diagnose you on here.

There is a type of therapy which is known to help people with BPD (well it helps a lot of people with other needs too, but was created originally for BPD), and that is DBT or Dialectical Behavioural Therapy. It takes a while to work, and you have to work hard with this therapy, but it can help a lot. I don't know which country you are in, so don't know if its available outside the UK much.

That said, I think therapy might help you. Remember, you were abused as a child and there is bound to be a lot of unresolved issues there. It might help to look into that. We often say on here, don't get too hung up on a psychiatric label and just talk to a therapist about who and how you are. I think in the UK, therapy is about £35 an hour, privately, if you want to try that route. Doctors can offer free sessions if you are UK based, but sometimes not a lot.

I feel for you though, being alone and feeling like this is horrible. Keep talking to us, if you need to.
 
G

gr33die

New member
Joined
Apr 15, 2015
Messages
3
Hi Krytek,

First off: very strong of you to share your story, your feelings and thoughts. Thanks for that. Just the act of opening up - it isn't easy, and to me, it tells me you're a fighter. Being a fighter is good, because regardless of the treatment you and your doctor agree upon, it's going to require a bit of endurance from your part.

That being said, facing up to these extremely negative emotions isn't someone one just "deals with" or "mans up and move on". These thoughts are almost hardwired into a person, where it becomes automatic - thought 1 will lead to thought 2. It can come to the degree, and as it often does with BPD or EUP, where the thoughts are unseperable from ourself: in other words, we cannot distance ourselves from these thoughts... because they're in our minds, and therefore OUR thoughts, right? Well, that's true in-so-far that our thoughts are created by us. But the intent of these thoughts can be in conflict with ourselves, as seen by having an inner conflict.

I'd love to hear from you again. I also have an inbox here you can write as freely as you wish :) I wish I had time to write more, unfortunately, I have to go.
 
K

Krytek

Member
Joined
Apr 17, 2015
Messages
6
Thank you for all the support guys! It really feels good when no one is around you and understands you how you actually feel. My studies are UK based, however I won't be able to visit a private practitioner soon. Maybe in the upcoming months. For now I will wait and see what the doctor will tell me. I've taken some time off work which starts from today so I can try and go on the road of recovery. I will try to keep you updated as much as I can.
 
AliceinWonderland

AliceinWonderland

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No need to apologise for posting where you felt described things best, I hope moving it wasn't unhelpful. As people have replied it's probably best it stays where it is now, but feel free to use whichever sections seem right for you :peace:

I'm glad you're having some time off work, and I hope it gives you a bit of space and brings improvement. And that seeing the doctor leads to some help for you. Take care Krytek, the forum is always here for support, chat, or getting things off your chest.
 
K

Krytek

Member
Joined
Apr 17, 2015
Messages
6
It is even better that you moved it. It really is better that is here. People with similar stories might want to join in and help.

Time off work is great(especially when I know that it is part of my emotional struggles)
 
K

Krytek

Member
Joined
Apr 17, 2015
Messages
6
Greetings all, again! I wanted to give you catch-up on everything.(first I would like to apologies. I find it really strange when I write here. I am not used to talking about what really bothers me. There are times when I want to do it but people up until this point in my life have always laughed at me and never really took me serious. Everyone thinks I am crazy ;( )
Soooo, after the appointment I found out that I really have BPD and depression as well. Nothing new I guess. I already knew those stuff. However, my problem is that I just can't shut off my brain. It's always thinking about stuff. Me being very emotional it's mostly about people relations. I've mentioned this that my flatmate is my closest person right now. However, recently I've started thinking about living on my own. It's not that I don't want to live with him, but I think we both will be better. ( my emotions and moods definetely have an effect on him.) I think this is the perfect time since he has a girl now and she will be able to move along with him. But I think not having people around me might actually have a horrible effect as well.
As of the last two months I have the same dream. More like the same concept. It always involves a girl, a relationship between us and an obstacle. I do feel lonely, but this really pisses me off and it makes me sad as well. I've tried to Lucid Dream but for no - no avail. I think that having control over them might make them go away. All of my relationship with girls have ended badly. Badly for me because I always try to give my all and in the end it's the same. I found out that all of them were lying about their affection towards me. It's like they see me more as a father/brother figure than a lover. Do you have any suggestions how I can stop these dreams or at least not remember them when I wake up?
Do you think that if I start telling people how I feel about them can make me feel better? Even if I think badly of them. I think too much... I feel like I should be doing so many stuffs. There are so many things that I am interested in. Nevertheless, I continue smoking and procrastinating. The thing with me and weed is that it makes me think in a different way. A way that makes me fill the existential void I feel inside of me. That's what I look for in people. If they can fill and understand my existentialism. Most of the times I feel like it's only me trying to listen. People do tell me I am a good listener. Maybe that's why they only talk about their problems with me. I am even more confused than I have ever been in my life.(doc gave me pill, but I don't feel any different).
Good news is I decided to quit my dead-end job. While I was away from there I felt better. A
 
W

Wolfchild

New member
Joined
May 14, 2015
Messages
3
Current NHS 'NICE' guidelines suggest that in most cases of BPD medication is better avoided.... only in cases where it's needed for severe depression etc and it actually helps the patient should it be used.
My own experiences of 6 different types of antidepressant proved that none have any beneficial effects for me.
Don't despair if this is the case for you. It's still worth trying them.... at least it let's you feel like you're doing something. Even on my darkest days when I could barely move, I still managed to get up to take my pill n sip a drink b4 climbing back into bed.

It took over 10 years from my 1st seeking help from NHS regarding my mental ill health inc depression before I received a diagnosis of BPD through medication, CBT, counselling, hypnotherapy, psychotherapy, with family support and a few close friends at times.... Inc a few genuine suicide attempts.....
I'm still here and now waiting to see what comes of my referral to a local 'personality disorder network'.
Keep on fighting.... I'm not sure where I'll get in the end or how many hoops I'll have to jump thru to get there, but the fight has to be worth it over that soooo very familiar emptiness that you describe. I've had so many 'luxuries' in life, but whatever is perceived by others, it matters not with BPD. It's how u feel and perceive things thst matters.

Big hug fella.
I hope u make some progress soon.
 
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