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I

invisible

Member
Joined
Jan 1, 2011
Messages
6
Location
UK
i thought id give this ago...

alarm woke me up but the effects of zopiclone made me turn the volume off, i nearly missed the bus but got to college ontime. we were given our grades for our music assignments today, but i needed to talk to my tutor about something else, my carers really wanted me to mention it to him so i did. a students father in our group had been contacting me over facebook, he's 61 and he asked me to go to his house, told me he fancied me, so i said im sorry but no. its been bugging me, i have ptsd and have a had 2 people sexually abuse me, so this has brought up soo much in my head i cant describe, ive been having panick attacks at ridiculous hours of the morning, believing that he knew where i lived and he was going to "get me" he lives in the same town. my tutor first said that he wouldnt tell anyone else, and then after lunchbreak he said that legally he had no choice but to tell the welfare officer in the college. so i dont know what is going to happen, and if this guy writes back i know i should tell someone but for the benefit of the kid in my class i dont want to rip his dad away from him as he is the only family he's got.
i had therapy yesterday, came out crying my eyes out, i couldnt function properly so i rang for support whilst trying to keep myself upright in a estate road , crying into a bush, eventually i pulled myself together got on a bus and went into the town, to get some things for my carer, the support wasnt there when i needed it, i felt soo bad and it just seems to have gotten worse, i dont like my mum after the way she treated which is why im in care, but my nan is constantly trying to get us all together again (playing happy families) not reallizing how much of a strain it is for me to be in contact with her, my mum gave me her old phone cause mine was broke, i didnt want it only because i knew it had come from her but i accepted it, i deleted all of her messages etc but today i was on the bus to get home when suddenly i was looking through my saved txts one popped up from my mums new boyfriend telling her to warm herself up as hes going to give her a good time. this has made me feel sick, did she want me to find these messages, to proove to me that even tho i dont someone loves her and doesnt care about whats happened to me. i mean wtf.
after playing coldplay clocks over and over again for 2 hours in college today i think that is enough to make anyone feel abit crappy but all this added shit keeps piling high. even though i dont live with my parents anymore because of this ptsd, they ARE in my life quite often, its like i cant escape.
i live with 2 carers and i dont feel like i can talk to them cause they dont understand and keep telling me they dont want to see me in hospital again, which is fair enough but it made me worse knowing how dissapointed they would be if i did go back in.
right now im sitting here dosed up on lorazepam... with a burning weight on my chest .it feels like all my emotions have made me in physical pain because there are soo many of the them blabbering around.. and it hurts.
next wednesdsy is my last session of therapy and my therapist has asked me to write her a letter about how its gone.
personally i dont want to end therapy but as my reasons for keeping it arnt good enough i cant have any more sessions. fab.
alone.
:cry:
i dont know how much longer i can go on... i really am loosing it here....
sometimes i find myself saying... i want to go home...
knowing inside that i havnt got one...:cry:
.....i dont know what to do.:redface:
 
I

invisible

Member
Joined
Jan 1, 2011
Messages
6
Location
UK
sorry i posted this in the wrong section.. i have now put it in the journals section too... :( sorry
 
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