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Lolli_Liability

Lolli_Liability

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Joined
Sep 3, 2009
Messages
824
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solihull
How do you feel today? Are you okay? What’s wrong? ...
These to me are dangerous questions, that make me freeze; make my mind go immensely blank right now. The worst part is I lead people to enforce them upon me, I start the conversation that leads to the are you okay? My response being “I’m fine” a natural defence mechanism that I admit doesn’t always cut it. However there are those moments those tiny individual pockets of weakness that lead to my response of, no, no I’m not ok right now. That moment when you allow yourself to scream out because you feel as though you may actually be drowning. Although the hardest thing to get your head around is that you cannot even piece together the reason why right now your heads under the water and you’re looking up into a bright light that seems an eternity away, how you got there you have no idea.
The other issue you cannot solve being the reasons why you cannot just swim to the surface, your legs aren’t bound, your arms aren’t broke and you know well how to swim.
Yet you’re still drowning.
There are these moments in life when you’ve been treading water for too long and you’re now numb. You’re not sad, not tired, and not angry, you just don’t feel a thing, and you’re completely numb. Treading on pathways robotically out of habit forcing yourself to keep going when really all you want to do is curl up and hide. But you don’t even know what you’re hiding from, do you?
If I could make one wish right now id wish for someone to draw me a map, I want to see my start, my current position but mostly I want to see my end. I want to see the roads that wind through the villages, through the valleys within my horizons. I want to see the trees change colors from red to green to brown to bare branches. I want to know how, why and when. I want to see where my ending lies, and how it really feels when I get there. I want to sit on today , run my fingers down the street I currently rest upon and know why it feels like this and which way I turn to get away from it.
But i have no right to cheat life, if you really did find this map in the back pages of a library book you were never meant to find, would you really want to see it?
What if it made it worse?
Maybe your valleys would lead to a sudden drop, a steep dangerous plunge into nothing.
The end.
However if you already have this darkness engulfing your insides maybe the negative outcome of this map wouldn’t really be that bad, well it wouldn’t be any worse would it let’s be honest.
 
angry butterfly

angry butterfly

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Jun 5, 2011
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surrey
lolli, beautifully expressed as always. good to see you here lolli.:hug:
 
megirl

megirl

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Apr 9, 2010
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8,060
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NZ
Thats interesting wow!

The numbness and you know when people as Are you ok as you mention straight away its 'i am fine'
When often no I arent actually.
Its the pretending i hate.
It may be nice to see 'the end' but maybe not I hope it gets better from the now.
It will it has too.
Always have 'hope' otherwise its not worth thinking about.
I really like what you have said
really truly interesting
 
*autumn*

*autumn*

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Hi lolli_liability, that was beautifully poetic (y)
 
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