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Bit drunk, not been here for a while

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bluebell24

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 7, 2009
Messages
106
Sorry to the folk on here who've replied to previous threads/sent messages without any response. I've had my head buried in my hands, thinking I was okay then realising I was getting down again.

I've been out tonight, a 'networking' event for work. After a glass and a half of wine I briefly felt like the old me again; sociable, laughing, able to talk to some seemingly nice & friendly people. It was fab, just wish it hadn't taken alcohol to make me feel that way.

I'm confused though, as I was chatty and enjoying myself before a drink so maybe I didn't need the wine?

The past couple if months I've been really feeling the full impact of how my behaviour when ill has altered my self-image, questioning my ability to be a good friend to anyone.

I miss one friend in particular so much & feel so terrible about what I put him through. Contacting him is not an option so I am struggling with how to lay me feelings to rest with no option to truly say sorry.

I'm so much better but the better I get the more I recognise how terrible I was and realise what a negative impact I had on his life.

Everywhere I look I find advice on meds, coming to terms with my diagnosis, how to live well, everything but how to cope with lost relationships. I am scared to make friends with anyone for fear if letting them down despite knowing a small lapse tonight is a rarity.

I want to be the old me again and I want to say sorry, but what do I do?
 
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skyblue

Guest
Hi Bluebell,

I did wonder where you disappeared to.

I'm sorry Bluebell, but I don't know the answer. What I do know is that you're very hard on yourself - I mean,.. what happened, was it really that bad ?

I've made past mistakes because of my illness, I didn't know I was so ill at the time. I've lost friendships because of it, but I've learnt to accept that I cannot change that. These friends i've lost have since learned about my illness, but they struggle to understand and we are no longer in contact. There's nothing I can do about that, it's beyond my control. To be honest, I'm ok with it, my life has changed now and I have a young family.

If you miss your friend so much, why can you not try contacting him again, what's stopping you ?

I'm sorry to hear you're hurting again, but don't beat yourself up.

Look after yourself Bluebell :flowers:
 
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bluebell24

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 7, 2009
Messages
106
Hi Skyblue,

Thanks for replying, I kept a low profile for a while as I was in the middle of lots of thinking, and lots of boring life admin that comes with relocating ... dull, and hard work for me these days!

I've written so much on here about former friend. It really is irretrievably damaged, to the point that he instructed me to never even consider me his friend again. If I went through all the ins and outs of what happened I'm sure anyone would understand why he feels that way. Deep down I still harbour a ridiculous hope for reconciliation but mainly I just really want to close that chapter. Unfortunately I just feel unable to do that without saying sorry or explaining what was going on that made me say and do the things I did. But realistically I know that the next phase in my getting better is to accept that sometimes even having the opportunity to apologise isn't an option; it's about doing the right thing for him regardless of whether that's what would make me feel better. I guess I just have to keep working on that next step.

It made me smile, albeit reluctantly, when you said I am hard on myself. Anyone who has ever got close to me has said the same thing and I suppose I just don't want to go through life thinking I have hurt or let anyone down, be it intentional or not.

What I'm learning though is, now I have this diagnosis the best thing I can do is live my life in a way that will prevent me from getting really ill again. I know there will be challenges beyond my control but what I can take care of I will. I'm sure there will be more lapses of judgement but hopefully I can minimise the severity and longevity. And perhaps that's why I'm hard on myself; because reminding myself of past mistakes keeps up the momentum to try and stay on the straight and narrow.

I hope you're okay too. I've seen your earlier post about going med-free and I know for me meds are helping, but we all have our own way of coping so I hope that what you decide works out to be the best for you. I like to think one day I could consider the same but I think it's still way too early days for me right not and I just need to keep ploughing on until at least I become a bit more settled.

It's such a chore isn't it?! I just keep trying to focus on happy times when I was well and know that all this will pass, even if I don't know just yet when that might be :)
 
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