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Birthday depression

K

KittyCat92

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Hey, I’m new here, thank you for this space.

So for the past few years I’ve felt pretty low around my birthday and I never knew it was so common, it’s never talked about. I have depression and anxiety anyway so I was thinking that’s just why I was feeling like it but it definitely feels different around my birthday, which is in 2 days time.

I was talking to a girl I work with a couple of weeks ago and she said to me that she’d been having intrusive thoughts about suicide and her understanding was that if those thoughts scare you you’re not very likely to act on them but if they don’t scare you then you’re likely too.
Is that a true fact do you think?

For me suicidal thoughts are virtually an every day thing for the past few years and no they don’t scare me anymore. But my whole mood and the thought of my birthday is just getting worse, I don’t want that day to happen, I hate being the centre of attention I just want to go off and spend the day alone somewhere quiet but I’d be hurting my parents (still living at home, nearly 30!) and I have to go to work!

Do any of you feel like this around your birthday? How do you deal with it?

Also hope everyone’s doing okay ❤
 
Wishbone

Wishbone

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Not so much for the last couple but for many before that I never acknowledged my own birthday and told family not to acknowledge it either. It passed without incident but I'd always know what day it was and it hung over me like a black cloud. The reason must be that it's a marker and with a marker you assess where you are and how things are. If you're still miserable then you look at the birthday and think "Yup, another year down, another year of no change". Same with Christmas and New Year. Add to that thinking "Hey it's my birthday, I should be happy on this day, and I'm not" and you're only going to feel one way about it aren't you.

For me, the last two birthday's haven't been so bad simply because I've genuinely been okay mentally at that time; pure blind luck, nothing more.
But you can work on things so that you don't overthink and allow your thinking style to become a negative one. You mentioned feeling suicidal, or having those thoughts at least, for a long time, yet you're still able to work and be around people, so that could possibly be interpreted as a good sign because if you were in a place where you'd completely given up on life you wouldn't be doing anything. (I appreciate for some it seems to come out of the Blue).

Have a look here for things to do with suicidal thoughts, challenging your own negative thoughts, dealing with depression etc. CBT Self Help for Depression

And if you haven't done so already I think it'd be a good idea to try and speak to someone about why you are thinking/feeling the things you are.
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

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Nashua NH
Hi Kitty I’m sorry that you are struggling especially around your birthday. I’m comfortable with my birthday but I know that suicidal thoughts can be so hard to struggle with and they can be triggered by so many different things. I don’t know if there is a connection between suicide and whether or not thoughts of it scare you. My guess would be that there is no correlation. I think it makes sense that just because someone is scared of suicide that doesn’t mean that they will fail to act on their urges. Just my two cents, though, I’m not sure.
I do know that there are people here who struggle with depression surrounding their birthdays and I hope that some will be by soon to help you. I just wanted to sneak in and welcome you to the forums. 😊 xo, j
 
K

KittyCat92

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Messages
168
Location
United Kingdom
Not so much for the last couple but for many before that I never acknowledged my own birthday and told family not to acknowledge it either. It passed without incident but I'd always know what day it was and it hung over me like a black cloud. The reason must be that it's a marker and with a marker you assess where you are and how things are. If you're still miserable then you look at the birthday and think "Yup, another year down, another year of no change". Same with Christmas and New Year. Add to that thinking "Hey it's my birthday, I should be happy on this day, and I'm not" and you're only going to feel one way about it aren't you.

For me, the last two birthday's haven't been so bad simply because I've genuinely been okay mentally at that time; pure blind luck, nothing more.
But you can work on things so that you don't overthink and allow your thinking style to become a negative one. You mentioned feeling suicidal, or having those thoughts at least, for a long time, yet you're still able to work and be around people, so that could possibly be interpreted as a good sign because if you were in a place where you'd completely given up on life you wouldn't be doing anything. (I appreciate for some it seems to come out of the Blue).

Have a look here for things to do with suicidal thoughts, challenging your own negative thoughts, dealing with depression etc. CBT Self Help for Depression

And if you haven't done so already I think it'd be a good idea to try and speak to someone about why you are thinking/feeling the things you are.
I think this year especially the whole thoughts of where I am and what I’ve achieved is so much harder due to the state of the world (you know, covid, lockdowns etc.) I haven’t been able to move along like I planned to so I do feel ‘stuck’. But yeah I guess birthdays trigger those ways of thinking.

The suicidal thoughts are something that I battle nearly every day, I’m still here, still living, still breathing. I have high functioning depression, I’m able to do the whole ‘normal’ everyday life, go to work, be around people and seem totally in control, smile, laugh, love what I’m doing but at the end of the day it’s like even though I’ve done all of that it’s not enough, I’m not enough, imposter syndrome.

I use my life to my advantage if you will of being constantly busy, when I stop and have nothing to do that’s when my mind goes crazy, that’s when the thoughts become loud and intrusive.

I mean I still wonder how I’m still alive really but I am and I just keep going.

Thank you for replying and for the CBT link, I’ll have a look ❤
 
K

KittyCat92

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Hi Kitty I’m sorry that you are struggling especially around your birthday. I’m comfortable with my birthday but I know that suicidal thoughts can be so hard to struggle with and they can be triggered by so many different things. I don’t know if there is a connection between suicide and whether or not thoughts of it scare you. My guess would be that there is no correlation. I think it makes sense that just because someone is scared of suicide that doesn’t mean that they will fail to act on their urges. Just my two cents, though, I’m not sure.
I do know that there are people here who struggle with depression surrounding their birthdays and I hope that some will be by soon to help you. I just wanted to sneak in and welcome you to the forums. 😊 xo, j
Thank you ❤

Acting on suicidal thoughts has been very very close a good few times but I’m still here, still going. Personally any way that I’d think of is accessible to me and sometimes because of that it’s almost like my mind ‘taunts’ me with it and obviously so far I’ve fought against it. I’ve self-harmed on and off for about 4 years, maybe that ‘release’ has helped in a way from going further.
 
MeAndMyDepression

MeAndMyDepression

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I also have intrusive suicidal thoughts almost on a daily basis. I'm concerned with all of them--passive or active--since I attempted suicide impulsively. I woke up that day not thinking about suicide but later in the day I attempted it.
 
K

KittyCat92

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I also have intrusive suicidal thoughts almost on a daily basis. I'm concerned with all of them--passive or active--since I attempted suicide impulsively. I woke up that day not thinking about suicide but later in the day I attempted it.
How are you now?

I’m happy that you’re still here but I’m sorry that you feel this way.

It’s so easy to feel love and support for someone else who feels the same as you but not for yourself 😔

I was so ready once to actually go through with it properly and for some reason I walked away, still don’t know why.
 
E

EclipticNight

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Orleans vermont.
I still get suicidal thoughts from time to time. Usually wondering why I bother with things. As for my birthday, I hate it. I always just say "another year closer to death". I'm 36 and live with my parents as well. I find it a good thing to get time with them, they wont live forever.
 
Pithers1971GB

Pithers1971GB

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England
I still get suicidal thoughts from time to time. Usually wondering why I bother with things. As for my birthday, I hate it. I always just say "another year closer to death". I'm 36 and live with my parents as well. I find it a good thing to get time with them, they wont live forever.
Hi EN, suicidal thoughts must be causing you stress do you have any support outside your family ?
 
E

EclipticNight

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Hi EN, suicidal thoughts must be causing you stress do you have any support outside your family ?
I do, my parents and my sister (the good one). I also see a therapist. Its not as bad as it was a year ago but man, some days I just look at life and say "seriously?". The good part is I dont fear death, in fact I like to think of it as an old friend.
 
Karmaman

Karmaman

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I gave up on celebrating my birthday years ago. I feel guilty when people give me presents and cards or suggest I should do something. It's the same with Christmas, probably the worst time of all.
 
Q

quilteddown10

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UK
Anything celebratory is, I'm afraid, utterly meaningless to me and I think of suicide daily.

If I wasn't such a wuss with pain I'd have done it a long time ago.

Funny you mentioning, guiltily it seems, living with your parents.

I have lived independently of my parents since the age of 18 (apart from a couple of years in my early 20s when I became physically unwell and had to quit uni) but because I have a face that literally makes people go totally bananas I have decided to move closer to them so that I'm not quite so alone on the weekends. I don't really want to, as I'm an intelligent 45 year old more than capable of living independently: I work, I pay bills, I get out there. But, holy crap, having a face that The Crowd objects to so vehemently like they've seen a Victorian Freak Show exhibit has forced my hand. Reclusivity awaits :rolleyes:!
 
K

KittyCat92

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United Kingdom
I gave up on celebrating my birthday years ago. I feel guilty when people give me presents and cards or suggest I should do something. It's the same with Christmas, probably the worst time of all.
Christmas is the worst!

I have a completely broken relationship with my brother, I rarely ever speak to him even if he’s come to our house we just ignore each other. He resents me and I resent him, almost 30 years of trauma of having him as a brother. I get on fantastically with my parents but Christmas feels awkward in a way when it’s just the 3 of us, I like my brothers girlfriend she’s the same age as me and she’s lovely and they have a little boy and he’s the cutest little thing! But I hate my brother being around with them, seems unfair and harsh but I can’t stand him.
 
K

KittyCat92

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United Kingdom
Anything celebratory is, I'm afraid, utterly meaningless to me and I think of suicide daily.

If I wasn't such a wuss with pain I'd have done it a long time ago.

Funny you mentioning, guiltily it seems, living with your parents.

I have lived independently of my parents since the age of 18 (apart from a couple of years in my early 20s when I became physically unwell and had to quit uni) but because I have a face that literally makes people go totally bananas I have decided to move closer to them so that I'm not quite so alone on the weekends. I don't really want to, as I'm an intelligent 45 year old more than capable of living independently: I work, I pay bills, I get out there. But, holy crap, having a face that The Crowd objects to so vehemently like they've seen a Victorian Freak Show exhibit has forced my hand. Reclusivity awaits :rolleyes:!
The guilt I think comes from what the ‘norm’ is meant to look like, you leave school, you get a job, you move out. Haven’t reached that moving out part yet and I do blame lockdowns for part of the reason, I would of been able to move along with my life a year ago if it hadn’t been for all this.

I do love my parents don’t get me wrong, and they don’t ever make me feel like I’m in the way or a burden or anything, I think that’s just how I feel.

I hate the pressures of society and it sounds like you do too. Why cant we just do and say and be who and what we want? 😔
 
Q

quilteddown10

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The guilt I think comes from what the ‘norm’ is meant to look like, you leave school, you get a job, you move out. Haven’t reached that moving out part yet and I do blame lockdowns for part of the reason, I would of been able to move along with my life a year ago if it hadn’t been for all this.

I do love my parents don’t get me wrong, and they don’t ever make me feel like I’m in the way or a burden or anything, I think that’s just how I feel.

I hate the pressures of society and it sounds like you do too. Why cant we just do and say and be who and what we want? 😔
I hear you and empathise.

I think The Crowd (in caps because it's so amorphous and dominating) precedes the Individual. You are who they say you are. Sure, you can fight it, but you risk eccentric delusion if there really is no bargaining space.

Who you are as an Individual has to be negotiated with The Crowd. It's how Self and Society work together. Social Media is the latest iteration of this. Just another selection pressure against those who are not deemed fit for public consumption.
 
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