BiPolar? Something else?

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CristiLewis1

New member
Joined
May 1, 2019
Messages
2
Location
Kansas
Hi there,

I may be gripping at straws here, but I don’t know. My husband and I have been married for 10 years. He is ADHD, diagnosed as a child. Not totally consistent on his medication. We’ve had a good marriage, not perfect, but good. We bought a house together while young, he went through a criminal issue not long after, gained a lot of weight and eventually had gastric bypass, and then we sold our house and moved. All pretty normal.
He’s always been a pretty needy person. Would get jealous when I would be out spending time with friends or stuff like that. Like would be upset when I wasn’t spending all my time with him. I chalked that up to that’s just how he is. My job I’m in now I got pretty involved in. Being in management in a small business I was often working long hours, having to stay late, etc. Especially early in my time there. I have worked to make a change and some boundaries with this. We were pretty open with communication in the things we need. Did the 5 Love Languages, did some marriage counseling, but he didn’t like it because he felt his faults were always being picked at.
This last year things magnified. He started a new job last August. He is also pretty involved in his activity. When all of this went went down he started accusing me that I don’t make enough time for him. Our work schedules are different. I made sure I was always at home the evenings I didn’t work so I could spend time with him, especially since I don’t have weekends off. I have made big changes in the things he had asked of, which he said he noticed.
The other thing is he began an affair during this period. He’s always had lots of female friends, and never an issue. But him and one began hanging out one on one, not telling me. It came to a head when her husband contacted me that they were screwing around. I confronted him, they cut contact as she was going to work on her marriage. Things got a little better, though he was still a little more down than normal. Understandably. Somewhere they picked up some contact again. He had been asking my best friend for advice and other friends too but leaving out any details that made him look like he was doing something wrong. Basically everything I did was wrong, I wasn’t trying. Even though he said many times I was. My friend said it was like he was trying to justify his actions that what he was doing wasn’t wrong.
Fast forward to February. He tells me he is looking at apartments. We talked a lot about this. I was supportive of him getting some space, as it’s something I did once during our marriage. But we had a clear cut plan. He went back and forth for a while. I told him staying with a friend was a better, cheaper solution. He would agree. Then wish-wash on it. Finally one day went and signed a year lease on another apartment. Our plan remained the same. Work on our relationship, and then at the end of my lease I would move there. Right after he moved he suddenly decided to go no contact. I went along with it. At the end of that, he showed up at my house and said he had filed out divorce papers and I just needed to sign them. I responded that if that is what he wanted I would have a lawyer get in contact with him. He balked, got a little angry I would even dare suggest a lawyer. I told him we had planned to work on things and now all of a sudden he just wants me to sign off like nothing? Doesn’t work that way. He then decided yes, we really need to work on things. We were making good plans, things were feeling good. He cut all contact with this other woman. She blocked him. Things going well. A week later she unblocked him to send him a message. I told him that it probably wasn’t the best time. The next day he came back and said he didn’t want to work on things, we have nothing in common, there’s no spark, Never was, a lot of harsh things. And now here I sit.

I never considered a mental issue until my friend said it seemed like a manic episode. He signs a new lease, starts a new life essentially, tries to get me to just sign divorce papers. Anyone that was trying to give him rational advice...not even stuff about trying to fix things, just rational advice about his affair and what he was doing... he would cut them out. Didn’t want to listen. “Doesn’t see it that way.” Was the repeating term. He has jumped around to different activities over the years and completely cut out out the precious one, but usually after a time period; would miss it and go back. I figure that’s the ADHD. He’s done the same with friends too. Now with me.
I reached out to his most consistent friends and they agree he has not been himself lately.

I’m worried because just signing divorce papers is not how things work, plus I think there would be regret later on. I know I have not filled any out. That’s not what I want. And I’m worried because he doesn’t seem to be fully thinking out his decisions or letting people help him. Even when his mom offered good, rational advice, he stopped talking to her.

Thoughts? Comments?

Thanks for any help.
 
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ASD_and_Tea

Member
Joined
May 2, 2019
Messages
5
Location
Glasgow
Usually people tend to act out because they are hiding insecurity, maybe he feels hurt. Sometimes people do drastic things purely to get a reaction, like a love test. Some people, when they are aware that they are more difficult to deal with than the normal person, will act out in some way as if to test you, ie. 'will you still love me even if I do this?' because they want to know that you love them for all of them, the good and the bad parts. That may be why he said that he wanted to find somewhere else to live for a while - it was just a threat to see how you would react which escalated - which may be why he kept flaking when threatened with the idea of actually moving out. He may have not even wanted to leave, he perhaps just wanted you to almost beg him to stay, to make him feel wanted. The lack of contact being that he wanted you to go to him first instead of him reaching out, when you may have expected him to talk first, or if you did reach out it may have just been him being upset with you because you did not beg him to stay, hinting in his mind that you never really loved him and didn't want him around. The lack of communication through that period probably did not help as it only gave him time for his anger and his upset to fester and grow until he decided in one last-ditch attempt almost to approach you with divorce papers to prove a point almost. He thinks he was right to think that you don't love him because of the lack of contact and the fact that he moved out anyway. The affair might have been the same - he may have felt you didn't love him anymore and wanted to get back at you. The most important thing to note in cases like this is that open communication is key to resolving these issues and you should say to him that you are not going to sign the divorce papers until he explains clearly and honestly why he wants a divorce. Furthermore, He may have said all those hurtful things about there being no spark or anything anymore again because he feels hurt - I know that I personally have said many hurtful things to someone I care very deeply about purely because I felt embarrassed and humiliated by the mere fact that I cared so much about him and he didn't seem to care as much as I did at all, it may be the same for him. I don't know that he meant those things, I suspect that he said them to try and get a reaction out of you, because he wants to know for sure that you care about him as much as he cares about you, by showing that you are openly affected by the things he says and does. Perhaps these feelings of his that you don't care about him anymore and that you don't love him anymore were triggered by a change in the dynamic of your relationship - sometimes doubts and anxieties arise due to noticing subtle changes in how people behave or act towards you so he may have taken something completely normal and natural in a relationship and misread it to mean that you were losing your spark and that you didn't love him anymore. Furthermore, when people don't have the greatest opinion of themselves, that can sometimes manifest itself in lashing out at others and it can greatly affect how we think others view us, so for him, he may have been going through a period of serious self-doubt and insecurity, and may have perhaps started to think that it is impossible for someone to love him, so when he has someone in his life who says that they love him, he will challenge it because it's all well and good to say that you love someone but actions speak volumes, they're often far more important to the insecure person than words are, since it is so much easier to lie with words than with actions. This is all speculation of course and my own personal interpretation of your situation. It is good to bear in mind also that in terms of making a decision as to whether or not you should go through with the divorce you have to ask yourself firstly if it is a marriage worth saving and whether or not you think that you could ever get back to what you had before he started acting out in this way. I don't know if he is bipolar, he may well be but I would have no idea on that front. My advice would be not to get too overly attached to the idea of how things used to be in the relationship and focus on how things are now and seeing if they are solvable but if he continues to act out and be uncooperative, no disrespect, it may just be easier to walk away.
 
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zusy40

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 27, 2013
Messages
73
I don't know it doesn't really sound like bipolar, the whole apartment thing doesn't make sense did you try to put up an argument against this? You say you were supportive, but how can you work on a long term relationship living apart? This does sound very sudden, but more so as in his decision to separate rather than a bipolar thing, as he had the previous affair and now wanted his own place.

The fact he made you feel everything was your fault, he does not sound a nice person. Maybe this is your time to start afresh too as it can't be nice going back to someone who had an affair. I hope you can move on, maybe you are looking for a reason, but I don't think bipolar explains this one
 
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CristiLewis1

New member
Joined
May 1, 2019
Messages
2
Location
Kansas
I started thinking maybe midlife crisis. But he is only 32. But a lot of those signs are there.

I told him I agreed with space, but did not think an apartment was a smart plan. He agreed with that. He went back and forth for a while on it. Even said after signing the lease he thought he made a mistake. Then trying to just tell me to come sign divorce papers. Like just sign and be done. Sorry, it doesn’t work that way.

I’ve got myself into some counseling so I can deal with my emotions and feelings. I wish he would do the same. But he has to be the one to make that decision.
 
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