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Bipolar- Psychosis. Shamed and remorseful

M

Ms Kitkat

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Hi all

I’ve not long come out of my first seven month psychotic episode which was triggered by past trauma, insomnia and marijuana. I have been diagnosed as bipolar at the age of 42.

I feel so ashamed of my actions. I was awful to those around me and made their lives hell.

The worst thing I did was harass my boss, acting weird, sending messages like we were a couple. I also sent a sexual message to them and resigned from my post. They were only trying to help and I acted like a crazy woman obsessed. Totally out of character. I even called the police because I thought something had happened to them.
Now that my senses are back, I feel utterly ashamed. I’m not even attracted to them but for some reason I had it in my warped head that we were twin flames on a mission to save the planet.

I have apologised to my family but don’t think I can move forward without apologising to my ex boss. I’m afraid that contacting them could come across as more harrassment. Please note that I hadn’t even started the job, we only spoke as they were trying to help me deal with childhood trauma.
Seven months later, should I apologise or just let it go? Any advice would be welcomed.
 
S

StillDepressed

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Can you move on without apologising?

If you can't, then you are possibly still too attached and over-concerned about their feelings

Can you safely contact them without triggering a relapse?

Your actions towards them are linked to your psychosis, so it is possible that reconnecting can trigger old psychosis

Honestly as long as the is no legal reason why you can not contact them, apologising after 7 months will not be deemed harassment, but you have to apologise without expecting any response or further contact and i wouldn't if you feel that YOU NEED to.
 
M

Ms Kitkat

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You are right. I need to move forward. I guess I’m having a hard time dealing with the embarrassment but it would be selfish of me to make contact I guess. Thanks for your response
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

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I have been in a similar situation in the past and I did reach out to apologize. I also did offer an explanation for my behavior that basically said I was under a lot of stress at the time and it made me kind of crazy. It felt good to clear things up with the affected person so I could move on. As long as there are no legal barriers in place like @StillDepressed noted if you do feel a desire to reach out to them I would go ahead and do it. Rehearse what you will say in advance so it does not come off as awkward and so you don’t reveal more than is necessary or more than what you would like. Leaving things as they are you will always feel awkward and guilty. Clearing things up should bring you a sense of peace and possibly help the other party to understand what happened thereby bringing them a greater sense of peace snd understanding too. I have never regret my decision. xo, j
 
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LadyDomino

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Writing a short letter of appology and explanation might help you coming to terms with what happened, however the ex boss has possibly moved on and forgotton the incidents, is it fair on him/her to revisit that situation?
 
M

Ms Kitkat

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Writing a short letter of appology and explanation might help you coming to terms with what happened, however the ex boss has possibly moved on and forgotton the incidents, is it fair on him/her to revisit that situation?
That’s my dilemma. I don’t want them to feel the stress that I caused.
 
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LadyDomino

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Personally, if I was in the position of your ex boss, I would like to hear from someone I had tried to help. But you know your ex boss, how do you think he/she would react?
 
M

Ms Kitkat

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Personally, if I was in the position of your ex boss, I would like to hear from someone I had tried to help. But you know your ex boss, how do you think he/she would react?
I’m not sure as I don’t know them that well. My behaviour was terrible and they have only met the manic me. I told them at one point to fuck off and all sorts. They probably don’t want to hear from me ever again. I dunno.
 
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LadyDomino

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You could always write the letter, get all your feelings out and never send it. Keep it to remind you of how far you have come.
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

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I’m not sure as I don’t know them that well. My behaviour was terrible and they have only met the manic me. I told them at one point to fuck off and all sorts. They probably don’t want to hear from me ever again. I dunno.
I would contact these people anyway. It sounds like you owe them an apology and they would benefit from
having an explanation of why you behaved the way that you did.
 
M

Ms Kitkat

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I would contact these people anyway. It sounds like you owe them an apology and they would benefit from
having an explanation of why you behaved the way that you did.
Building up the courage to do so. Very afraid not sure why.
 
M

Ms Kitkat

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You could always write the letter, get all your feelings out and never send it. Keep it to remind you of how far you have come.
I will do this and make a decision on whether I should send. Meeting with my therapist tomorrow so will discuss with them. Thanks 🥰
 
HLon99

HLon99

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Yeah, writting a letter seems like a good idea. He may not want to see you right now in person, because the wounds are still fresh. But a carefully crafted letter to explain and apologise is a good middle ground.
 
M

Ms Kitkat

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Than
Yeah, writting a letter seems like a good idea. He may not want to see you right now in person, because the wounds are still fresh. But a carefully crafted letter to explain and apologise is a good middle ground.
Thank you, I have drafted a note and will share privately to those on this forum for opinions before sending to my victims in if that is ok
 
HLon99

HLon99

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Than

Thank you, I have drafted a note and will share on this forum for opinions before deleting and sending to my victims
Good, looking forward to seeing it. But please don't regard them as victims or yourself the perpetrator. You were not in the right state of mind and should not be so harsh on yourself. In your letter try to be balanced and fair, to both them and yourself. State that you are remorseful for your actions but explain to them that your actions were a consequence of a condition over which you had no power to control at the time. Tell them that you are now seeking help and are in therapy working on yourself; that you, would like to make amends for any wrongdoing and, if they accept, to extend a hand of friendship to them. If you cast blame on yourself exclusively and regard them as your victims it will do nothing to rebuild bridges and will only serve to cripple your self-esteem.
 
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