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Bipolar partner - some questions / concerns

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Guppy23

New member
Joined
Oct 4, 2019
Messages
3
Location
Washington
Hello all,

About a year ago, I met a lovely gal online who, originally stated she was only looking for friends but quickly turned into more than that. She was very sweet and we have near identical humor / taste etc, and it just felt great. She was extremely upfront and honest about having bipolar, and that she was unmedicated. However I knew nothing about the disease and kinda just shrugged it off at the time.

We have a complicated relationship Right from the start, she lives in Russia and I the USA. We finally goT to meet in person last July after a bit of up and downs, some of it from bipolar no doubt and some because she had lied about some details of her life. She told me on her own the truth of these things, and stated she just was afraid I'd leave if I knew the truth / lose interest in trying to make things work.

We got engaged and are planning to marry here, if the k1 goes well. She's been handling everything she needs to do to make it happen, she's told me she has elevated sadness / anger from being apart especially after meeting in person, but she keeps pushing ahead. Seems completely sure and serious. She works and lives alone, takes care of herself (she has refused my financial help many times, and living in Russia she doesn't make much money)

So, everything overall seems great. I've never noted when she was manic, tbh, Though I may have just missed it. I've seen bad depression and how she is.

We've spoken about her bipolar, she definitely doesn't act like it doesn't exist, and talked about trying to get medicated because she doesn't want her disease to effect us negatively. I asked about how she is when manic. She stated it scares her, she can be very aggressive and possibly abusive. She doesn't spend money, or do hard drugs but may drink more during. She also stated she becomes hypersexual. I asked if she just takes time off work or how she copes, and she said no. She works even when manic, that she is able to maintain a semblance of control although she may get irritated by customers easily she still works.


Sorry, this has been longer than intended... I am just trying to paint a full picture. From everything I've seen, her disease is, mild, compared to what I read online. But reading online freaked me out. That I may be missing something about her.

I asked about her hypersexual state, somewhat concerned that she may sleep around. I don't know if she would admit it to me or not. She stated that she often will masturbate many times during such a state, but that even if she has the urge to do more she tends to be able to control this (and, since she goes to work manic, that seems to hint she does maintain fair control?)


My questions are, are there people that really are fairly mild when it comes to their bipolar? I admit to some struggles of late after reading stories about bipolar and cheating, reckless behavior, and the fact she has lied about some things in the past. She did however tell me on her own, and didn't really necessarily have to tell me everything (some of it she had to if we want to be together). I am just being overly suspicious of everything of late and I hate that I'm being that way. I guess I just want some reassurance that, just because she has bipolar and isn't currently medicated, doesn't mean she will / is doing the worst of the behavior possible or that I can't trust her / Should be suspicious. I have been bad about it lately, and it's stressing me out. Every little detail I am analyzing and wondering if she's doing things behind my back since it is quite easy to do right now.

I realize this is kinda, a mess. I am just looking for some input, some thoughts on the situation etc. I love her very much, and up till recently before reading about these things, I never really distrusted her much. She even told me about a date she went on when we had split up, despite not having to. Am I just making my self paranoid based off worst case scenarios or am I right to be worried?

If you read this far, thank you for your time and sorry, haha
 
Prince Charming

Prince Charming

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 29, 2019
Messages
129
Location
Milton Keynes
HI Guppy23.You do not mention how you met your girlfriend.Was it on line or on holiday.Your girlfriends bi polar should not affe ct your relationship much as it does seem fairly mild.Have you asked her why she is not on medication.?Good luck to you hope it works out well for you
:welcome:to the forum!
 
Nixence

Nixence

Member
Joined
Apr 19, 2019
Messages
7
Location
The Moon
Reading this and seeing a bipolar person from the aspect of her partner, was really... interesting. As a bipolar 1 myself, and having a couple of broken relationships (yep, partly bipolar to blame) under my belt, you do have a real reason to feel a bit anxious. I mean, after reading scary stories online and knowing that she can go into an episode at anytime, i totally understand the way you're feeling and thinking. And i have just gained new understanding for my ex partners who felt this way.

Bipolar is for life - and it's some serious stuff that heavily affects the quality of your life, too. Especially when you're not taking any meds. As worn out as it sounds, taking your meds gives you an opportunity to live a relatively stable life that you simply can't reach if you're unmedicated and riding the rollercoaster all the time. As a person who has quit her meds twice and sorely regretted it, i have to admit that meds, as bad as some may be for your weight or sex drive, are freakin' life-savers. From my experience, most people with bipolar would say the same. So that part about her not taking medication is worrying for me at first glance.

Then again, even though we all share the same symptoms, each case is unique in its own right. She might be a milder case and might be able to contain her episodes effectively, and good for her if that's the case. But there's this other thing - being hypomanic can be actually quite fun. You're happy all the time, you can get a shitload of work done in no time, you're full of brilliant ideas and might be very entertaining to be around. Bipolar life can seem exciting, given all the near-extreme experiences you find yourself in. So i believe some people fear that taking meds will strip them of some parts of their personality, spirit, authenticity, whatever, and dull their life, so they avoid them altogether. And yes, meds can be zombifying and it does feel weird to be stable after a life's worth of ups and downs. But obviously, that's a pretty slippery road because uncomfortable episodes can strike at any time.

I must say that being with a bipolar person can be really exhausting at times and it demands strength of character, endless empathy, many small and big sacrifices and even some strictness. Yet, doesn't any serious relationship demand pretty much the same? And since no one can predict how the illness will develop over time (some people have fewer episodes as they get older, yet others have it the other way around), you should be well prepared to handle the worst moments that will inevitably come. But it can definitely be done and should be done because this category includes some of the most intelligent, warm, creative and fun people you will ever find, people who definitely deserve our patience, care and love.

You are very brave for loving her the way she is and good for you that you're researching more about the disorder in order to understand her better. But try to avoid getting into freaked out panic mode from things you read online and get to know her uniqueness. No one can tell you what will happen. You will cross those bridges once you're there. From what you wrote i can see that she is very open and honest, so that will be incredibly helpful with any type of problems you encounter.

At one point during my first manic episode (lasted 3 hellish months), my current boyfriend (of 4 yrs) simply broke down and called my family and best friends, cried in front of them and asked for help. In the meanwhile, i was telling him that i'm in love with other men (manic infatuations) and was just generally bouncing-off-the-walls-mad all the time. He said to them: "Even if she cheats on me, i will survive it and won't hold it against her because she is out of control and can't be held responsible. We just have to get her help." And they did. When i was told this, many months later, i thought it was so touching and it made me realize for the first time how difficult those times were for him. He was my strength and i will never forget that. I didn't cheat, by the way :)

I hope you both get as educated about bipolar as possible, accept it fully and find your own ways to overcome the difficulties that come with it. May your love flourish and bring you tons of happiness. Take care. :*
 
G

Guppy23

New member
Joined
Oct 4, 2019
Messages
3
Location
Washington
Thank you very much prince charming 😊 we met online first. She was for all intents and purposes looking for friends to practice English with, her profile was on a dating site but it did just say she wanted friends. I don't think she quite expected us to continue things past a certain point, she had admitted to feelings for me very quickly which of course I wonder if it was the bipolar at the time. But she had lied about coming to visit the USA at the time, and ended things because she didn't know how to admit it to me. She just wanted to seem more interesting at the time, is what she told me. She also was married, but, they lived mostly separate and she stated she was very unhappy in it, that they had been apart for a long while. Looking back, I worried that maybe I was someone that came in and ruined a happy marriage by coming during one of her episodes. However, I don't think so. She told me about him on her own (it did take a bit) and that she had kinda moved and married him in a quick time frame, and it back fired on her.





Wow, nixence, thank you for such an in-depth reply.

We have spoken about the medication, a few times. Part of it, I know it's an on going process and with her moving here to be with me, she would have to start over here. So it seems almost not worth it now. She recently came to me telling me she was considering looking into medication herself soon, because she was worried that her bipolar may effect / ruin us and she doesn't want to have it happen. Part of this is she had a really bad down period a month after I left from my visit, she kinda stopped talking to me for a couple of weeks and was a bit more agitated when she did. But she told me after she just was deeply depressed and needed to take the time away from everyone to recharge.

I do feel like I've learned a decent amount about her specific moods, the best I can from here. I am definitely willing and wanting to work with her. She's very, very sweet when she's herself, which is fairly often honestly. When she's down, she doesn't say particularly rude things to me. Just easily irritated. Recently when she got upset at me for acting suspicious towards her (rightfully so, I shouldn't be doing that, it isn't fair to her to get paranoid from online stories and from ex relationships.), She told me that she needs me to be her rock. Which did mean a lot to me.

She really is a very sweet and loving gal. She can definitely be very emotional (I will never forget while I was there, she cried at one point telling me I make her feel like the only girl in the world). She's been upfront that her anger can be scary at times, especially if she is manic (tbh we are not sure if she is bipolar 1 or 2, if I had to venture a guess, I'd say 2. Everything seems much milder for her). I've never really seen the bad anger yet. But that doesn't really worry me. I learned a lot of patience with my ex GF who I was with 8 years. My biggest concern is hidden sexual relations, the distance is very difficult for her and I both and I know *I* have a hard time having no intimate touch, so I can only imagine how hard it is for her especially if she hits a hypersexual state. I am more like your BF than most, in that I would be far more understanding if something happened during one of her bad states, but I most definitely would be pushing for treatment at that point. It is helpful that she is open and willing to seek treatment, that she's considering it on her own.

Don't get me wrong either, even though I have made myself stressed and worried about so much lately, I am definitely not changing my mind or having second thoughts about her. I love her very much and I want to be with her.

It seems to me I need to stop assuming the worst about who she is speaking to, And stop over analyzing every action she takes lately. It just can be difficult. But your words, both of you, are very helpful and meaningful. Thank you, very very much.
 
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