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Bipolar is ruining my life

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AJmae

Member
Joined
May 8, 2019
Messages
5
Location
Honolulu, HI
I was diagnosed with bipolar last year when my manic episode almost ruined my entire life - it basically did. I spent almost all of my money going on trips, gambling, and spending it on things that I don't need like $900 shoes that I wore all of one time since I bought it. I cheated on my long time boyfriend, and kept cheating on him even after he proposed to me. The whole time I was undiagnosed and off rapid cycling, he was custom making my engagement ring and making sure the proposal went perfectly. I pushed him away for months while I was giving the other guy attention. I can't confirm it, but I think the guy's ex girlfriend outed me which I am thankful, but I hate her for it at the same time. I have been constantly social media stalking this girl hoping that she has some kind of downfall, and I know that is wrong of me, but I hope that something equally as terrible happens to her because she was the catalyst in ruining my life even though I know that I did it to myself. I hate myself and wish I could take it all back, but I love being manic and I keep thinking about all of the times that I had while manic and on my trips with that guy and I only have fond memories, because let's face it, being super happy is great. I'm medicated now, but I have secretly only been taking the medication that helps with my depression in hopes that I slip into mania again. I hate being depressed and often think about just veering to the right when I'm on the freeway and just end all of the shit I put myself through. I should've checked myself into the hospital on multiple occasions, but none of my family knows about my diagnosis and those that do know about it don't believe that it is a real thing and think that I pulled bipolar from thin air to use it as my get out of jail card for the whole cheating thing. I hate myself and no one forgives me for it which I can understand, but I don't know if I can ever forgive myself for it. I don't want to be a prisoner to my guilt.
 
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MisterMichael

Active member
Joined
Apr 9, 2019
Messages
28
Location
Tennessee
Hello, You have to decide for yourself how to live your life. My bi-polar wife of 14 years refused medicine and is now permanently out of my life. I love the ground she walks on but will not deal with her again.I will fight with all in me to keep our 10 and 12 year old boys as far as possible from her. After 3 psy hospital stays and many ruined vacations etc, she can just 'go on' and enjoy her mania highs without us. She will crash and try to come back but I am blocking any chance that I might fall weak to her again. I 'will' get over her but she messed up with me and I would have died for her. It's your life but you will never have much success if you don't get a grip on this terrible disease. You will soon run out of any good options for your life--Good Luck
 
A

AJmae

Member
Joined
May 8, 2019
Messages
5
Location
Honolulu, HI
Hello, You have to decide for yourself how to live your life. My bi-polar wife of 14 years refused medicine and is now permanently out of my life. I love the ground she walks on but will not deal with her again.I will fight with all in me to keep our 10 and 12 year old boys as far as possible from her. After 3 psy hospital stays and many ruined vacations etc, she can just 'go on' and enjoy her mania highs without us. She will crash and try to come back but I am blocking any chance that I might fall weak to her again. I 'will' get over her but she messed up with me and I would have died for her. It's your life but you will never have much success if you don't get a grip on this terrible disease. You will soon run out of any good options for your life--Good Luck

I understand your frustrations, and in my defense, this illness is something that I didnt ask for, and I know is something that your wife did not ask for. I beat myself up everyday for even having this when I know it isnt my fault. I just wish that I was diagnosed sooner and medicated right away because now Im just chasing this high and wishing that I could experience it again even against my better judgement. I dont want to be sick and if I could be cured I would love to be.
 
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MisterMichael

Active member
Joined
Apr 9, 2019
Messages
28
Location
Tennessee
I'm sorry too for you and her. There is no good solution and I hate my decision to 'can' her. However, she had a chance to come home to us(me and boys) but left the psy hospital to be with him. I'm shattered, lost 15 lbs, etc. but I refuse to let her back in my life---'hell or high water' as they say. I will hurt far more than her about the divorce but it will go forward. I love her deeply and right now have someone wanting me but I still have no desire for anyone but her.
If you have someone that truly loves you and you truly love them--------Then work together and create a working solution for this disease. 'GRAB ON' to each other and never let go. Love may never come back in your life where 2 are really in love with each other. Trying to give you a perspective from the bi-polar's male spouse. Guys will only take so much and certain things before we call it quits permanently --even to our detriment. Good Luck
 
A

AJmae

Member
Joined
May 8, 2019
Messages
5
Location
Honolulu, HI
I'm sorry too for you and her. There is no good solution and I hate my decision to 'can' her. However, she had a chance to come home to us(me and boys) but left the psy hospital to be with him. I'm shattered, lost 15 lbs, etc. but I refuse to let her back in my life---'hell or high water' as they say. I will hurt far more than her about the divorce but it will go forward. I love her deeply and right now have someone wanting me but I still have no desire for anyone but her.
If you have someone that truly loves you and you truly love them--------Then work together and create a working solution for this disease. 'GRAB ON' to each other and never let go. Love may never come back in your life where 2 are really in love with each other. Trying to give you a perspective from the bi-polar's male spouse. Guys will only take so much and certain things before we call it quits permanently --even to our detriment. Good Luck
Thank you, I do have someone in my life who is trying to come to terms with what our reality is right now. He's known me before this illness and he knows me now and he is having a hard time understanding that I did not hurt him just because I wanted to. We are trying but everyday is a struggle. Im grateful that he's still in my life, but everyday it is hard. Everyday he wants to leave, but he still stays. At the same time, I do not want to have to put him or anyone through this because I know that even when medicated and going to therapy, I will likely have another manic break at some point and I do not want to put him through that again. Even if I dont do anything nearly as bad, I dont want anyone to see me in a state where I cant hear reason. I often think that he is better off finding someone who can help him heal from all of this, but I'm selfish and I want him here but at the same time, I dont want to live under this microscope that I'm under right now even though I know I put myself here. I hope that your wife realizes what she is leaving behind, and I completely understand your not wanting to have her back in your life. Divorces are hard, even without mental illness. I work as a paralegal and I see divorces everyday. It is not going to be the end, and your boys are better off with you right now. Hopefully with time, your wife will be able to grab onto reality and be a mother again and maybe a friend to you if that is all that you can be.
 
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