- May 8, 2019
- Honolulu, HI
I was diagnosed with bipolar last year when my manic episode almost ruined my entire life - it basically did. I spent almost all of my money going on trips, gambling, and spending it on things that I don't need like $900 shoes that I wore all of one time since I bought it. I cheated on my long time boyfriend, and kept cheating on him even after he proposed to me. The whole time I was undiagnosed and off rapid cycling, he was custom making my engagement ring and making sure the proposal went perfectly. I pushed him away for months while I was giving the other guy attention. I can't confirm it, but I think the guy's ex girlfriend outed me which I am thankful, but I hate her for it at the same time. I have been constantly social media stalking this girl hoping that she has some kind of downfall, and I know that is wrong of me, but I hope that something equally as terrible happens to her because she was the catalyst in ruining my life even though I know that I did it to myself. I hate myself and wish I could take it all back, but I love being manic and I keep thinking about all of the times that I had while manic and on my trips with that guy and I only have fond memories, because let's face it, being super happy is great. I'm medicated now, but I have secretly only been taking the medication that helps with my depression in hopes that I slip into mania again. I hate being depressed and often think about just veering to the right when I'm on the freeway and just end all of the shit I put myself through. I should've checked myself into the hospital on multiple occasions, but none of my family knows about my diagnosis and those that do know about it don't believe that it is a real thing and think that I pulled bipolar from thin air to use it as my get out of jail card for the whole cheating thing. I hate myself and no one forgives me for it which I can understand, but I don't know if I can ever forgive myself for it. I don't want to be a prisoner to my guilt.