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bipolar II?something else?or just crazy??

F

flower85

New member
Joined
Sep 20, 2009
Messages
3
Hiya!
ok so I actually feel like im losing the plot..and the will to live..
bit of background history...
Im 23 and have struggled with depression and self harm since the age of 14..I suffered with anorexia for 3 years and in that time had 2 inpatient admissions.between the ages of 16 and 18while I was owrking I never held down a job,had loads of ideas but could never stick at anything.
I came out of hospital last sept and went straight in to studying to be in childcare and have a fulltime job still training since april..every thing was fine for a few months..infact it couldnt have been better Ifelt abs great.
the last few months have been hell..I started self harming again almost everyday and started feeling depressed..but things have just got crazier and crazier
the main thing which I explain to people butthey cant even begin to understand how I actually feel is that it feels like I have a million thoughts flyingthrough my head all at once so fast I cant recall what Im actually thinking about or what im feeling,Im really anxious allll the time,I feel empty,I feel suicidal alot like nothing is actually going anywhere,im jumpy and fidgety,im finding periods of time hard to deal with..eg if theres a tv ad for a programme 'next week' i feel reallyanxious,I have frequent moments of being in 'one of them' where my thoughts race i feel anxious sick,basically want to die,and then will feel numb and not want to talk or be touched,feel like im on 'the edge' alot-though on the edge of what I have no idea,I get angry really easilyat other peopkle and at myself.
I had an appt with the eatiung disorder psych last monday for a check up..I was tellingmyself if I could just get to that I would be ok..he was off sick and saw one I cant stand and was told Ineed to see him asap..when I left I felt really odd like everything had completely fallen apart..my nan was talking to me I have no idea what she said and walking home I was just watching my feet walk thinking If I could concentrate on that id be ok...
basically I have an emergency appt with him tomo but all weekend ive been ill-sickness etc -everyone thinks its cos Ive just run myself in to the ground..but I dont know if im gunna be well enough to go but im scared whats gonna happen if I dont go...
I just dont know what to do:( I never even knew bipolar II existed till I was reading a book and I juat thought shit thats how I feel...is it poss or am i just crazy?
oh also Ive been doing cocaine a bit more frquently than I prob should....
thanks for listening to me rant!its act good to get it out!xxxx
 
S

*Sapphire*

Guest
Hi flower and :welcome: to the forum.

Unfortunately no one could diagnose you here just by going through your posts and I do feel that there is an element of danger when self diagnosing, so perhaps it is best you wait and speak with your psyche to see what they say.

I will ask though if you have told your psyche about your increased use of cocaine? Because all of the symptoms you described can be side effects of taking cocaine rather than straight mental illness.

If I was you I'd be honest with them about your drug taking, don't worry about it, they have heard it all before. Often when people recover from an eating disorder they can get into alcohol or drugs because it is moving from one avoidant coping mechanism to another. I did for a while in my recovery, and was shocked to hear how many others do too.

I would also recommend that you try to get to the bottom of why you feel the need to use damaging and avoidant coping mechanisms, what drives you to use them? This can be done through therapy, introspection and sometimes through self help.

I would seriously try to give up the drugs asap. Cocaine can cause irreversible damage to your physical and mental health. I know people who last took it ten years ago who still suffer with some ill effects from taking it.

One person I know went literally mad for a while when taking it (and he didn't take it for very long either) and it was horrible for him and his family to go through as he was hiding behind cars thinking people were watching him, he ended up trying to stab his dad, he traumatised his son, sent wierd texts and made wierd phonecalls. He lost everything through it his family, friends and also now has a criminal record to boot.

I would get clean from it and if you still feel these symptoms after a few months then take things from there.

Take good care of yourself :hug:
 
Last edited:
F

flower85

New member
Joined
Sep 20, 2009
Messages
3
Hiya!
I hate the whole self diagnosing thing too which is why I was wary about posting.
I dont use coke every day or anything like that,its usually once a month on a fri night its just lately because ofthe way ive been feeling its been 4/5 fri nights on the trot..I will tell him tomo though.
I just feel like Im going mad..this is how I used to feel b4 the ED which Is why I didnt want to let it go cos I was scared of feeling like this again..id rather have anorexia as bad as that sounds,at least I feel in control of myslef to some extent then:(
x

Hi flower and :welcome: to the forum.

Unfortunately no one could diagnose you here just by going through your posts and I do feel that there is an element of danger when self diagnosing, so perhaps it is best you wait and speak with your psyche to see what they say.

I will ask though if you have told your psyche about your increased use of cocaine? Because all of the symptoms you described can be side effects of taking cocaine rather than straight mental illness.

If I was you I'd be honest with them about your drug taking, don't worry about it, they have heard it all before. Often when people recover from an eating disorder they can get into alcohol or drugs because it is moving from one avoidant coping mechanism to another. I did for a while in my recovery, and was shocked to hear how many others do too.

I would also recommend that you try to get to the bottom of why you feel the need to use damaging and avoidant coping mechanisms, what drives you to use them? This can be done through therapy, introspection and sometimes through self help.

I would seriously try to give up the drugs asap. Cocaine can cause irreversible damage to your physical and mental health. I know people who last took it ten years ago who still suffer with some ill effects from taking it.

One person I know went literally mad for a while when taking it (and he didn't take it for very long either) and it was horrible for him and his family to go through as he was hiding behind cars thinking people were watching him, he ended up trying to stab his dad, he traumatised his son, sent wierd texts and made wierd phonecalls. He lost everything through it his family, friends and also now has a criminal record to boot.

I would get clean from it and if you still feel these symptoms after a few months then take things from there.

Take good care of yourself :hug:
 
S

*Sapphire*

Guest
Hi flower I can completely understand how you are feeling. I have felt the same way too about my anorexia, more often than I admit sometimes, but I have to remind myself of the nightmare it caused me and my family.

And don't worry about asking a question, it was a perfectly valid question so don't feel bad about it. :hug:

If you are feeling those symptoms already the cocaine is only going to increase them rather than help them.

You described extreme anxiety, aggression, restlessness, depression, racing thoughts, lack of concentration, jitters etc.
These are all classic side effects of taking cocaine.

Do you know what is causing you to have the feelings that sparked your anorexia? Because I do feel that instead of self medicating that finding that out and trying to work on it will bring a much more long term chance of recovery. I know drugs, starvation or drinking are perhaps easier to do and in some ways more pleasurable but they all have such damaging long term consequences you might end up having to get to the core of your problems anyway whilst trying to battle with long term side effects.

Take care hun, I hope it goes well tomorrow.
 
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