Bipolar? Highs and Lows

[Stripey]

Hi

I'm totally new to this and just thought i'd give it a try. I've had various "issues" over the small course of my life (i'm 27) and over the last year things have been tough. I feel like i'm on the road to recovery but it's hard.

My psychologist (I'm paying privately for it, best £60 an hour ever) and I have discussed the possibility of me being Bipolar. I'm reluctant to accept it (okay i refuse to accept it). But reading some of the stuff on here...

I get both highs and lows. When they first started (about a year ago) I had no idea what the hell was going on, I was terrified. Now while I still don't understand them, I am better at dealing with them and seeing the signs.

But i feel like they (the thoughts that come with the highs and lows) trick me. Cause sometimes i just don't see them coming. On Monday i was spending a nice day in London after a busy weekend of working. This was something i wanted to do. For no discernible reason, I became suicidal, emotional, completely down on myself, the list was endless.

I eventually 'came out of it' but have been left a bit like a 'rabbit in the headlights'. It takes so much strength to stay on the path to recovery, sometimes it just feels like i have no control over myself at all.

Anyway, just thought writing it down (somewhere else other than my diary) might be good.

All thoughts welcome.
Stripey

 

[Dollit]

Well Stripey I can certainly identify with the suddenness of a mood swing that leaves you suicidal and then emotionally and physically devastated. It happens to me on a regular basis.

I don't know if you've been checked out physically but a badly functioning thyroid can cause mood swings. It may be worthwhile ruling that out. I only know this because I have a currently underfunctioning thyroid and it's not helping things.

Can I just say that without a diagnosis you can't even begin to get on the road to acceptance because you're constantly questioning whether you may be or not. Acceptance can take a long time, with me it was around 10 years after diagnosis which was a long time after I could have been diagnosed.

Anyway - it's not the end of the world. I can't work anymore but I do make a valuable contribution to the world in other ways. Perhaps you might like to start a blog. I just did mine to jot in occasionally but it's the place where I talk to other forum members too.

Anyway and glad you found us.

 

[Libra1]

Hi Stripey and to MHF

 

[Stripey]

Hi

Thank you so much for your replies.

"I can certainly identify with the suddenness of a mood swing that leaves you suicidal and then emotionally and physically devastated. It happens to me on a regular basis."

I could have written these words myself, and while I don't wish this on anyone, it is really nice to hear that there's someone out there who knows what I'm talking about (i find the whole thing incredibly hard to articulate).

I have had my thyroid and other physical things checked out, just as you say to out rule them. I would imagine Thyroid problems would make things a bit of a nightmare for you.

I am going to properly talk about this with my psychologist with a view to getting proactive about it (I'm not entirely sure what that means, but at least it sounds positive).

Thanks again for your responses, am so glad i've found this Forum.
Stripey

 

[Dollit]

Well you know where we are and I'll be really interested to find out how you get on. And proactive is taking charge of your life - good for you.

 

[Quinonostante]

Diagnosis, I'm amazed to hear myself saying, was the best thing that ever happened to me!

How can you begin to understand why you may do the things you do, unless you know the possible reasons behind them?

My life changed when I was told I had bi-polar disorder. I had the reasons for some of my actions and behaviours and this gave me the choices and options around how to begin to live with them, but stop being defined by them!

Good Luck Stripey!

 

[daffy]

Agree with you quinon . I went thru all my life being .the odd one' but no one new why. I regularly collapsed was sent away to convalese for 6 weeks came back still felt odd took overdose, 2 weeks in hospital and 2 years of therapy cos no one would tell me why i did it. I didnt want to die. In fact my life was wonderful. Something just told me to take them. This was the story of my life for the next 30 years. Never really fitting in anywhere, hopeless at socialising.I ended up on ADs for years on and off. Then i thought i didnt need them

I started going to early to work at 6am,instead of 8am doing my work and any body elses. I was working on a very high profile project which could lose the company millions (so it was quite stressfull)I was supposed to leave at 4 but it was rare for me to leave b4 6

Acouple of times i got called in the office to be asked in a round about way if i was ok, cos apparantly id started being very aggressive to the team. (and im a real shrinking violet)


The final end came when i stood up in a board meeting and started to sing......Im a pink toothbrush....... oooooooooooooooo the shame.

within a year i was diagnosed bipolar anxiety and now avoidence personality disorder

But at least now am beginning to recognise the symptoms. Example tonite sitting in the lounge i was looking at the doors and thinkingif i had any paint id paint those. Which is a warning sign But after my last lot of redecoration that was rather avante garde i was advised to throw the paint out.

 

[Stripey]

Hi everyone

Thank you all for your comments, thoughts and for sharing. Things took a real turn for the worse for me over the past month or so. I was under a lot of pressure at work, an anniversary was coming up (obviously a bad one) and I had a down that I could not (and did not want to) bring myself out of. The short of it is that I was actively suicidal.

I would like to say that I had a wonderful epiphany and suddenly realised how wonderful life was, but no, i'm afraid not. Instead I am left living day to day mostly low with occasional highs (I recently bought a bike and mobile phone in an hour, i've been out on the bike so I'm viewing it as a good high!).

If I start to feel okay, i don't know if i'm happy, if i'm away to go high and then what's gonna happen. We all know that if your high, there's only one way to go after it.

Medication is becoming a real option. But the thought of it makes me suicidal(!) I've been down that route before and I hated it (to all intense purposes i was living a full life, but looking back I did not feel my life).

I'm cut of from people, because i'm terrified about what I'm going to say or do. I can be extremely sensitive at times and so sometimes a flippant comment stays with me for days. It becomes easier to just limit the people you are around.

Thanks for letting me rant. I can't always get my thoughts together to write, but seeing that someone has taken the time to respond to my post always makes me feel better.

Hugs
Stripey

 

[Dollit]

Keep posting and keep trying. I know it's hard and I know that medication can be a bummer but mine keeps me alive and that's why I take it, just to stay alive.

 

[Stripey]

Thank you. Have started a journal (someone on the Forum suggested it, might have been you).

Even if i'm very down, i always read the posts, it helps.

Hugs
Stripey