Bipolar g/f wants 'space'. What to do?

[scottpatterson]

Hi everyone

I'm new here so hope you can offer me some of your insight.

I've been going out with a bipolar girl with schizoaffective disorder for two years. At the start of our relationship she called it off because she thought it was too much 'pressure'.

I realised she didn't have her bipolar under control and after she agreed to see a new doctor and subsequently a new psychiatrist - she became much better - all with good results. And we fell back into a great and loving relationship.

As I'm sure you know too well - there was still some rapid-cycling times when she was not 'right' as such and sometimes - as she put it - her brain 'wasn't right'. During this period she would start to question many things in her life - sometimes including me - however I always offered her reassurance and continued to care and love her.

Over the past couple of weeks things have spiralled down slightly. She suddenly wanted some reassurances from me regarding what we want for the future - inparticular moving in together, getting married and having kids. I told her that 'yes' - these are still all on the cards (a lot of these emotions were triggered by her going to a girlfriend's wedding, having her 38th birthday and her grandmother becoming ill - all quite understandable).

When talking to her about all of these though - I could see she was having trouble processing it all. She kept shaking her head, telling me she wished her 'head would stop', that she 'hates this feeling' and then sleeping excessively afterwards. Her home was also a complete mess which I know by now - is not a good sign...

Two days later - more questions regarding the above - again I reassured her where we both stood. And at work the next day she told me she wasn't good again - I asked if she had any doubts about us and she said 'no, - why - should I? That will make me think about that now'.

That night she didn't want me to come over and when she got home from work she just slept right through to the next day.

The next night I went and saw her and again - she was excessively tired and not good at all. She was glassy eyed, dissociating and she was even showing me the scars on her wrist where she had once tried to commit suicide - although she told me she'd never do that again.

Again - she was banging her head - and shaking it - saying she 'had all these thoughts trying to get to the front'.

She went to bed and I had no contact with her until she texted me saying she didn't want to see me that morning - but wanted to talk later in the day. She said she hadn't been to sleep - went for a walk around 2am and then drove a considerable distance because she 'needed to think'.

When I met her later she told me she thought we needed a break - and that she 'needed space'. She also said she loved me but wasn't 'in love' with me anymore. She's also continually bringing up that I don't love her or find her attractive anymore etc.

We discussed all this calmly but she said she 'wished her head would stop'.

I have given her the space she asked for and haven't contacted her for three days.

This was a girl who I saw and spoke to every day - and now - nothing.

Any thoughts on what is going on? Am I handling this the right way? Is there any danger in leaving her alone now?

Thanks for any kind help - I 'd really appreciate it.

Regards Scott Patterson

 

[towanda]

hello scott,

its interesting reading your post, as i have similiar issues as your girlfriend, minus the schizoaffective disorder. i have been in that place where i am constantly questioning those in my life, and i too go for drives in the middle of the night in order "to think". you sound as if you are very understanding of her mental health issues, which is hard to find in a mate. i am very lucky in having married a man who is very understanding. even now i question him about our relationship but he is always very assuring. my husband has also turned around and asked me if i had any doubts, which of course made me think about it too. but i have come to understand that he is simply deflecting his own insecurities, and that i need to remember he is human too. he is my rock, but also try my best to be his. if your gf needs space, i would give it to her. but maybe you could text her, send her an e-mail, or even a letter simply reaffirming that you will give her the space she needs, but that you still love her. incidently, my husband always tells me how beautiful i am, but i still don't believe it. always tell her she's beautiful, especially when she is not doing well as she is now. it sounds as if she needs to go see her doctor or possibly a counselor. might be a good idea just to check on her, and make sure she is okay. do you know if she is going to work? or doing her normal daily stuff? if not, this is a really bad sign. i feel for you, and sincerely hope a happy conclusion is found.

 

[scottpatterson]

Thanks towanda

It's great having some of your insight. I presume she is going to work -I really don't know - I'm trying to get some feeback from a mutual friend. And a doctor is going to call her to see everything is OK - not that she will reveal the truth I'm afraid. In fact I still don't know whether she has seen her psychiatrist which worries me - but I'll keep at it because I want to catch her if she falls.

So if she feels these emotions about her relationship when she was in this 'manic state' - and I know to her they ARE reality - what happens when she comes out of this state? Does she then turn around - see me not there and think 'what's going on' or does she have clearer recollections of her actions? Just trying to understand all of this.

Thanks for your help. Scott

 

[towanda]

Scott,

Everyone is different I am afraid. When I come out of a bad state, I can usually see the failings of my previous thoughts and actions. However, I am usually aware that even at the time many my feelings and thoughts are not logical, but its easier to see it from a different perspective, the more logical one, once things have subsided. All you can really do is be patient and see how things progress. I would definately make the effort to make sure she is okay, and to reassure her that you are here for her. I hope it all works out for you, and I hope your girlfriend is sincerely okay.

towanda

 

[suzy]

Sounds like she is not very well at all

Harsh she said those things, hope things get better

 

[Pairou]

Just give her some space.