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Bingeing is utter hell

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swan

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 10, 2009
Messages
117
Location
London, UK
I've been trying to climb out of a deep, obsessive anorexic hole the past few weeks and have slipped for the first time in my life into a cycle of bingeing and purging.

I am so shocked and devastated that this has happened. I never thought it would. I guess after starving your body for so many months you just don't have the upper hand anymore when it comes to what and how much you eat. You become completely taken over by cravings, my poor deprived body fighting for nutrition and for normality to be restored.

I've completely lost touch of that concept - normality. Everything is too much or too little.
I don't think i'll get out of this alone. I've gained weight for the first time in years and years and im scared to death. As soon as i finish a binge, along come the urges to starve and starve and starve myself to nothing.

I've never hated myself so much...i feel so utterly powerless.

I suppose I need support from someone who isn't acting out of fear!
I need understanding!
 
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claire30

Member
Joined
Mar 24, 2010
Messages
9
Hi Swan,
do you see anyone like a counsellor etc for your eating problems?
I know how terrible it feels when you slip from restricting, to bingeing and purging..for me, it feels like when i have been restricting, i feel in control,a nd happy with myself, but when i start to go through bingeing and purging cycles, it screams of a lack of control, and i can no longer deny that i have a problem...do you feel the same(or is it just me, lol)??
I think it would be worthwhile to see your GP,who could refer you to a counsellor, or someone who can help you.
 
S

swan

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 10, 2009
Messages
117
Location
London, UK
Thanks for replying.
Yea i agree, it's definitely the lack of control that feels so awful. And i see what you mean about not being able to deny there's a problem. Its pretty obvious to everyone that i'm behaving abnormally when im holing myself up in the kitchen eating endless strings of peanut butter sandwiches at breakneck speed. And there's that shame that follows you around like everyone can see right into your head and they know how much youve eaten and how disgusting you feel. But of course noone ever talks about it.

I am seeing a counsellor. I haven't really spoken to him in depth about my eating issues..I started seeing him about depression because i was fed up of waiting for my medication to kick in and sort me out (it never did, just made me feel worse) i've only had a few sessions but im sure i'll be talking about the food stuff properly soon. again, the shame, i dont ever want to talk about it because i feel so despicable. But i dont want to be either starving myself or completely losing control, you know? I wish i settle happily in the middle somewhere.
 
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claire30

Member
Joined
Mar 24, 2010
Messages
9
Hi again,
I know what you mean in regards to the shame...i had a terrible session with my counsellor this morning..its like i am so embarassed to put it into words, as it sounds so silly to me. I find that i can write things down much easier, and can actually articulate my thoughts quite well when i put pen to paper, might that be an easier option for you to?
When i have had a binge and purge, i too feel like everyone can automatically see what i have eaten, and how crap i feel about myself, sometimes i feel like i have a massive neon sign over my head, flashing up "eating disordered freak coming through..make room!!".
I guess i want to settle somewhere in the middle too, the same as you. I asked my counsellor this morning if it is possible to have recovery, but still lose weight...and she said that when you are in recovery, you no longer feel the need to lose weight (so those who are underweight/normal weight, they will put a bit on/stay the same), and my 1st thought was "i cant EVER imagine being able to look in the mirror and think i look ok"..but i am hanging on in there, in the hope that it will happen once i reach recovery.
What medication are you on, and how long did you take it for?
I tried 3 types of AD's before i found one that suited me..and it took about 8 weeks for them to make a noticeable difference, but now i am not on them anymore, as there was no point (i was purging all the time, and they never stayed in my stomach long enough to get into my blood stream).Maybe you need to try a different type of AD's?
 
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swan

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 10, 2009
Messages
117
Location
London, UK
It sound as though we have much in common...
I do find it much easier to write, i've always been a writer at heart and it comes a lot easier that way. only thing is i find myself judging what ive written and accusing myself of exaggerating or making things up/being over dramatic so sometimes it does a little more harm than good. I do however always find drawing helps me most to accurately express what im feeling, especially if what im feeling is violent self disgust...I draw pictures of myself and scribble all over them. i mean, how else do you fully express an intense desire to separate from your body and just become a floating brain with none of that awful flesh flapping around...

Yep i too have that feeling of really am i ever going to feel happy with myself again...I think its definitely something that comes with practice, and even for those "normal" people out there..Im sure everyone has to tell themselves they are fine the way they are even when they feel disgusting, just for us lot its a lot more of an uphill struggle with gravity relentlessly dragging us back down into pits of self-abuse.

Oh yea forgot to say: I was on sertraline for 4 months. Started at 50mg daily and upped to 100, then 150mg. I actually believe that it augmented a lot of my self-image problems and the fact that it took away my appetite for the first few weeks almost kick started a habit of not eating...I'm pretty sure that once it's out of my system i'll feel more in control of that. But maybe not, i dont know. I'm very very reluctant to try anything else. I'd rather just see what i can manage without drugs for a while seeing as i have counselling to help me along a little now. Definitely the counselling has helped a trillion times more than the medication ever did and it's only been a couple of weeks..!
 
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claire30

Member
Joined
Mar 24, 2010
Messages
9
Hi again!
Wow- thats great that you feel the counselling is helping you more than the ADs..counselling can be a great support cant it.
I know exactly what you mean about writing..when i was a kid, i used to write stories and poems, but as i have gotten older i dont have the time with 2 kids, so now i write in my diary everyday..i just cannot go a day without reading and writing something..i think thats why i find it so useful during counselling, as i can write things that i would never dream of saying! and i also understand what you mean in regards to thinking that you have exaggerated when you read what you have written..but you are not exaggerating anything, you are writing down your thoughts and feelings that you have right at that moment in time. Do you take your writing into counselling with you, so that you can show your counsellor? That way she knows whats going on, and makes it much easier to talk. the onlt thing that i find, is that when she reads it out to me, i feel soooo embarassed!! But she always asks me first, if i mind her reading it out..i always say she can, as writing it down is all very well, but i have a need to actually SAY verbally, what my thoughts are. I almost feel that if i cant actually verbalise how i am feeling, then i am not going to recover.

Oops, sorry, went on a bit then!!

Is your counsellor/GP aware that you are off your medication? Make sure you keep them informed.xxx.
Gosh, its so much eaier to give advice rather than take it!!
 
J

JMT101

Guest
A lot of what you are both saying is very familiar. I've battled with depression since my early teens but food was never a part of it - or so I thought. I've been going through a really bad time - got made redundant a few weeks ago and my bingeing has just gone out of control - and I've realised that I've always had an issue with food - either not eating enough or eating too much. I'd never say I was anorexic and I'm a failure at being bulimic it would seem! It has had a knock on effect on my weight - I never have any clothes that fit as I get rid of all the big clothes when I am thin and vice versa and I will never look good naked as I have horrible stretch marks on my thighs. I'm not on AD's at the mo, I don't really want to be, and I don't have a counsellor. Maybe I should but I feel, oddly enough, if I resort to both of those things, I will have even less control over my life. I guess I want to beat this on my own. But as it's already been said, the right weight and "getting over an ED" never really happens. And that thought in itself is probably the most depressing of all.

Sorry, I seem to have rambled on here about nothing, a symptom of being on my own all day every day I guess! But does anyone else wonder how they will ever get through this or if it will ever actually end? It's harder to give up binging than it is smoking!

xx
 
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swan

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 10, 2009
Messages
117
Location
London, UK
It's harder to give up binging than it is smoking!
I've never been a smoker but you know it so wouldnt surprise me.

Also, this may sound kind of wierd but I hope you get to accept and love your body with all its imperfections. Now, i far from like my body right now, in my eyes it is truly grotesque, but i've noticed as soon as i stop punishing myself and telling myself im a failure etc, i start liking what i see in the mirror. Of course it is easier said than done, which is partly why im still locked in the whole starve/binge/purge cycle at the moment.

An old ex-girlfriend of mine had stretch marks all over her body and everytime i saw them i felt compelled to draw/photograph them, i thought they looked beautiful on her, almost as if they were decorations (this is also how i try to see my self-harm scars.). Of course, she never saw it that way, but "looking good naked" is not a question of eradicating everything you don't like about yourself & much, much more about saying "look at me, i feel gorgeous!" no matter what you look like because self-confidence really, really shows. There are bits about everyone that they hate, even the most "perfect" looking model (and to be honest they are nothing to go by because they all struggle with self-hatred and eds anyway) will look rubbish in anything they wear if they dont consciously assert this air of confidence and "fuck you, im beautiful".

stay strong.
 
S

swan

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 10, 2009
Messages
117
Location
London, UK
Wow- thats great that you feel the counselling is helping you more than the ADs..
Yeah, funnily enough my last session really had quite a bad effect on me and i ended up bingeing like mad straight afterwards. Almost as if talking about how i was feeling and especially talking about my "comfort foods" made me feel really vulnerable and want that comfort really badly, even though i knew it was going to make me feel horrible afterwards...even during...I felt so exposed, but i know it was a good thing to talk about it. At least i'm being transparent with myself which is something im not that good at.

Is your counsellor/GP aware that you are off your medication? Make sure you keep them informed.
Been off my meds for 2 weeks now!! yes! I talked to my counsellor and my -cue tense music (i hate the man)- psychiatrist and he agreed it was worth a try, so im supported, even though i'd been off them for about a week when i saw him anyway. No awful withdrawal symptoms yet. My moods have been quite extreme but im feeling a lot more real, which is what really matters to me! That feeling of unreality was freaking me out massively!
 
J

JMT101

Guest
Thanks for your wise words Swan. I am proud to say so far today I haven't binged, in fact I've not eaten much at all but that is because I'm not hungry, rather than I am starving myself (certainly shouldn't be the case given all I have consumed over the past few weeks!).

almost as if they were decorations (this is also how i try to see my self-harm scars.)


Funny, I think of my self harm scars as showing I had a bad time but I survived and I think of my stretch marks as evidence of incidents where I didn't cope very well and therefore failed. There is something to think about there.

x
 
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swan

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 10, 2009
Messages
117
Location
London, UK
I'm not hungry today either but I'm reluctant to rule out the guilt from bingeing last night as the cause of that :(
 
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