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Binge eating struggles/ experience~ in need of support im tired of this

A

Angxx

New member
Joined
Mar 19, 2021
Messages
3
Location
Canada
Hi, there I'm 19 years old and honestly don't remember the last time I've had a good relationship with food or my body. Not to blame my struggles and issues on my mom but she did definitely have an effect on how I view myself, she once said to me that I was skinny as a kid and after 5h grade I just kept getting fatter and fatter.
I can still remember being in the third grade and comparing the size of my thighs to my best friend recall saying to her your legs look so good in skirts, legs like mine do not. Growing up I remember being constantly compared to my cousins who have always been naturally thin, I look back at pictures and see them dressed in seemingly normal clothes wear as I was wearing clothes moms would wear like long dress like tops with those little sweaters to cover up. I remember crying in 6th grade because my boobs were already a C cup so I had to go bra shopping, an experience girls normally look forward to but I dreaded it. For as long as I could (until 9th grade) I covered my boobs in sports bras that would make me appear to be flatter. Surprisingly, during high school, I became less aware of my body and how big I was ( maybe a coping mechanism), in grades 9-10 I remember being quite average-sized and finally realizing that I wasn't as big as I thought. I finally became confident in my body and begin wearing tight tops, working out, etc. From grade 10-11 I had a good relationship with food and my body, I ate what I wanted and finally looked good in things I bought/ owned this all changed after I met my boyfriend. I still remember now looking back at the things he used to say to me. He used to tell me how I looked better with my clothes on while I was naked and having sex with him and once at school he texted me saying " You look so fucking fat I don't even wanna look at you". I remember silently going into the bathroom and crying silently, unable to tell my friends what he said due to embarrassment and the fear that it was true. Now looking back, I realize that I was not fat as fuck and that he even used to say these things to his "skinny" girlfriend who he dated after me. Well, I found that out too late and the combination of him and my mental health destroyed my relationship with my body and food. From then on I started hiding behind hoodies and eating whatever. As I look back at my pictured I remember thinking how fat I was in those moments even though it was the smallest I had ever been, now I am unfortunately bigger than I have ever been before.
I am a secret eater of sorts, I will occasionally stuff my face in front of others, but I got used to eating in secret after hearing my parents' comments. I still do this today and today I'm writing because I probably just had the worst binge I've had In a while and just hate myself right now. I do want a good relationship with food but I also need to lose weight because of my health and events coming up this summer, for once I just don't want to be the fat friend, daughter, cousin etc. I just want t feel normal and good in my body again. I have good days and but I just don't know how the fuck to stop binge eating. It's to the point where I'm bingeing I already know I need to stop but I just can't until I feel sick. I'm sick of having this constant discussion in my head and I just want it all to stop, I just want to be strong enough I'm exhausted.
Sorry this was long, I've been holding this in for years. If you have any advice pleaseeee let me know.
 
S

Sugaree

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 21, 2021
Messages
486
Location
California
Hi Ang, I am sorry you had such cruel things said to you as you were growing up. Sometimes we have to stop looking back. My childhood was filled with many cruel and mean words that left me feeling ugly and unlovable. We all have different ways of coping. I started using drugs and alcohol when I was 14. Every time I remember those nasty names my mother called me I stop myself and say no. I refuse to be that ugly scared little girl. I hope you can hold your head up and say “I am a survivor “. You are stronger than you think. Take care of your body and mind. Treat yourself kindly.Tomorrow is a new day for all of us who struggled through today.
 
L

LastChance

Member
Joined
Mar 15, 2021
Messages
16
Location
Borderline of reality and fiction
I'm sorry to read about your struggles. Those things people said to you are horrible. But I think it's great that you are reaching out and voicing your feelings. I don't really know what advice to give concerning weight loss, other than following some programs online that might help with that, maybe there are some exercise videos you can follow along with on YouTube or something and see if you get any progress?

But you really shouldn't hate yourself, binge eating is a tough thing to fight off, I do it too if I'm feeling really down and I find it really difficult to resist sometimes. I think you should be a bit more kinder to yourself, you sound like a nice person who has been beaten down to feel so low about herself that it's hard to get back up. It's definitely not easy, but you can do it. Maybe if you have the feeling to binge eat a lot you could post here or chat with someone to try and distract your mind. There is a journal section which might help, you could make posts with little goals to achieve and work towards them, I'm sure a lot of people here would support and encourage it

Wish you all the best ~ 🌺
 
H

hopingforbetterdays

Member
Joined
Mar 19, 2021
Messages
12
Location
Romania
I've been struggling with the same thing for years. It's a cycle, I feel bad about myself or stressed and rely on comfort food to feel better. It only makes things worse though, I end up gaining weight which makes me feel even worse and it doesn't help with anxiety and boredom. I'm only now starting my journey toward recovery and a healthier life so I don't have a lot of experience but I can tell you what I try to do. I don't buy junk/unhealthy food, maybe only occasionally to satisfy cravings and even then I try to get small portions. If a type of food triggers a binge for me it's better not to have it in the house. I prepare my own meals most of the time and I try to keep them healthy. You could do a research on the internet for healthy meal ideas. It's hard to confront negative feelings/thoughts without relying on something for comfort but when I feel tempted to reach out for food during tough times I remember that comfort food is addictive and addictions won't help make things easier. I try to be present during tough times and remember that overeating will not make the bad thoughts I have about myself go away. I wish you all the best and even if you're not happy with your current weight and want to lose some, try to remember that you are good enough as you are and weight doesn't define character. People hurt you in the past and that's not your fault, you didn't do anything wrong. Think of it as adopting a healthier lifestyle so that you'll feel good rather than just a diet to lose weight. You are enough
 
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