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Binge Eating Disorder - My roommates hate me

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passivepenguin

New member
Joined
Jan 8, 2020
Messages
1
Location
The Netherlands
Hello everyone,

I had anorexia around 5 years ago, and even though I don't have anorexia anymore, I think I still go through a constant cycle of self-loathing and binging and TRYING to restrict and then falling back to binging. When I binge, I take handfuls of anything I can find, bread, cereal, Nutella, nuts. I just eat and eat and eat, and hate myself afterwards for it.

In those moments of binging I don't think, I eat my own food....and i've eaten my roommate's food. It's not conscious when I do it, but when my roommate's started noticing, I should have been honest and told them straight away. But I didn't. I fell deeper into a lie, and it spiralled out of my control and when my roommate caught me, I lied, to her FACE. Vehemently. I got so defensive that I don't understand where it came from.

Eventually, I confessed. I told them that I don't expect sympathy, or forgiveness. I merely want them to know that it doesn't come from a place of hatred, or dislike, or just a bad place. It's something i hate about myself and I just want it all to end.

My roommates, understandably, don't believe that I have an eating disorder. They questioned me on why I would take handfuls of stuff instead of finishing something completely before moving on. Or why, if I had pasta in the afternoon, i would steal two pieces of bread in the evening (among other things) because clearly I hadn't been starving myself. I tried to explain it to them that sometimes binging happens because you wake up with the mindset of eating nothing, and then you eat something you consider bad and then you think "what's the point of even trying" and then you binge out of control, and you spiral.

They didn't believe me. I need to live in this house for another six months because my contract can't be ended before that. I don't blame them at all. It's just my own guilty, and self-hatred for doing this to people that gives me panic attacks whenever I'm in the house. I don't want to see anyone, I have to focus on uni work but I can't because this is all I can think about, and I live 7000 kms away from the people I love the most (my parents) whose heart i would break if I told them about it, and they would worry, every single day if I told them, because they'd be so helpless and I can't do that to them. They're spending their savings on my education and I've failed them by doing this.
I intend on seeking therapy but I also live in a country where it's very expensive and I'm scared I can't afford it.
I so desperately just want it to end. I cry everyday, I can't deal with my emotions. I just want to go back home.
 
S

sadgirl

Well-known member
Joined
May 25, 2012
Messages
2,196
Location
in my own private hell
Hi passivepenguin I'm sorry that you are going through this can you seek help from a gp he/she will be able to help you perhaps with medication or talking therapies
 
N

Nukelavee

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 17, 2019
Messages
3,406
Location
London, ON
first off - you haven't failed anybody. Don't let yourself think that way. It will only make you feel worse, and that will start your cycle up and escalate it.

Also - room mate issues can be incredibly stressful, and nothing is worse than not feeling like your home is a safe space for you. There's a chance you can make your roomies allies in this. If they understood and empathized better, you would have less of a constant trigger of/for unhappiness, and binging.

I totally get how you feel so far from home. I moved 3000 miles across my country for a job, and the isolation was crushing. It was weird - I didn't change countries, so how could one city feel so different? It's hard, and it makes us resort to bad coping mechanisms. I just stopped eating, mostly.I mean, I generally ignore being hungry, which is some kinda control issue, but it gets excessive when I'm really unhappy.

My advice -and you really don't need to take it - my advice is to write a letter to your room mates, explaining your history with eating. Explain the mindset/mood that goes with binging - how, in a way, it's the same as a binge drinking alcholic. Explain the link between your fears and loneliness and food.

Write it over and over, like you would an essay to hand in. I've found with stuff like this, writing it out for others, helps me understand it as well.

I have no idea if this might help your binges, but -no more handfuls! lol. Seriously - make yourself use a bowl or plate. Don't just eat bread, make a sandwich. Don't let it seem like an ignorable snack, make it a significant action, so you can't pretend it didn't count.

-hug-
 
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