Bf's best friend is dying

Poopy Doll

Poopy Doll

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#1
My boyfriends best friend is dying. He's stage 4 cancer in the lungs, which spread to the liver. For some reason they are giving him chemotherapy.

He was my bf's sponsor in AA thirty years ago. So I automatically respected him when I met him.

There's nothing one can do to help.
 
S

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#2
I'm so sorry to hear about this.

If you need anyone to talk to, I'll be here to listen.

:hug1:
 
Poopy Doll

Poopy Doll

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#3
My bf went to the hospital to watch the Sunday football with his friend. I think his friend is too sick to watch football, but it's what they always do together. I didn't go because I never watch football with the guys.

Even the head nurse there is wondering why the doctor ordered chemotherapy.

It's sad when you get to the age that all your friends start dying off. Two years ago it was a favorite salesman at the family carpet store. Last year it was the captain of the pool league. Last week it was our tenant. No one is here forever.

Today, my bf and I were sitting up in bed wondering if our tenant was a ghost because he drank so much vodka.
 
Kerome

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#4
Sorry to hear that Poopy Doll, life can be tough sometimes.
 
Poopy Doll

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Up Date on Michael. So my bf spent months taking his friend to the chemotherapy. Come to find out, that immunotherapy is the better treatment. Come to find out, he didn't get the better treatment because Medicare and Medicaid won't pay for it. Only RICH people get the immunotherapy. People like President Jimmy Carter, who is alive today and well after brain cancer. I feel very angry that Michael was given false hope. He was duped. He trusted this doctor who knew full well that the chemo wouldn't work. Even my bf had false hope and took Michael to all him chemo treatments except two where Mike had to take Uber. But usually my bf spent full days with his former sponsor.

So now Michael couldn't take care of himself any longer. We arranged to put him in a nursing home as he was also being evicted from his apartment. I called his brother up north and he came down the next day. He took care of the possessions left behind and the cat which is feral. He hadn't seen his brother Michael in twenty years. So he was very upset/shocked.

Michael comes every year to our house during football season to see the game with my bf. I always cook. I don't think Mike will make it to football season.

Mike has the spirituality from the 12 Step AA program. I don't know how to open the subject of death which is inevitable now. My bf and Mikes brother were there in the hospital when the doctor explained to Mike that he was terminal, there would be no more treatments and he couldn't go home because of the eviction. So Michael lost everything in one harsh and swift moment. My bf is somewhat depressed witnessing all this.

I never went to any of the chemo appointments because my bf would stay there with him for hours and my legs won't permit me to do so. I never went to Mike's apartment/home because of the heavy smell of cigarettes in the furniture/drapes/walls. I went once and got so very sick from the tobacco residue. But now it's time for me to go see him at the nursing home where I can do a short visit. I have a magazine for him with Dan Marino on the cover and a lengthy article about this famous Dolphin player inside. Michael was such an avid Dolphins fan. He'd actually get depressed when the Dolphins lost a game. He use to shout at the TV and especially at the referees. Mike was bipolar. He was impossible but we love him that way.

Michael was also my phone buddy. I won't be able to call him up on a whim anymore.

Suddenly the urgent need to spend the days with Mike has lessened as the nursing home will take care of him now.
 
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Kerome

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#7
That’s a very sad story Poopy Doll. I feel for your friend Michael, being given the wrong health care because the insurance won’t cover the right treatment. I hope he enjoys the magazine, Dan Marino was a very fine quarterback and probably the best Dolphins player in history, so I think it is a good choice.

It just goes to show it is all impermanent, everything we own or think we have can be taken away from us in a moment, leaving us with a bare room in a nursing home and maybe six months to live.
 
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Poopy Doll

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That’s a very sad story Poopy Doll. I feel for your friend Michael, being given the wrong health care because the insurance won’t cover the right treatment. I hope he enjoys the magazine, Dan Marino was a very fine quarterback and probably the best Dolphins player in history, so I think it is a good choice.

It just goes to show it is all impermanent, everything we own or think we have can be taken away from us in a moment, leaving us with a bare room in a nursing home and maybe six months to live.
Yes, that is what the doctor said exactly, six months to live for Michael. And the shock for him to lose everything like that. I feel like Michael came to my bf to show him the sober life, to stop my bf from drinking himself to death, years ago, and that now he is showing us what it is like to let go of everything. My bf doesn't think Mike is doing this. But he admits this may be the case, it just doesn't look that way to him.
 
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Kerome

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#9
Maybe Mike isn’t showing that intentionally, but by what’s happening to him he is giving the example none the less. Losing everything can be a great exercise in letting go... I have been contemplating recently what will happen when my money runs out, it could be just like that, losing everything. But there is not that much that I’m really attached to, a few books, a few dvds.

But death is a step beyond that. In a way I think letting go of material possessions beforehand is a blessing, it at least gets you used to letting go of lifelong companions before you hit the big one, letting go of the body. I hope your friend mike goes through the process in a good way.

There’s a cd called the Osho Bardo which I have been curious about, it’s an accompaniment to death, a meditation based on an updateing of the traditions in the Tibetan Book of the Dead. Maybe something to look into.
 
Poopy Doll

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#10
I went to the nursing home yesterday. Michael is unresponsive. His eyes are closed and his mouth open. He is lying on his back. He has an adult diaper on. He cannot feed himself. The nurse said his lungs are filling up with fluid. She also said the cancer has spread to his brain through the spine where the imaging tests had shown the cancer was in the spine. And the liver. And all of this started in the lungs from the chain smoking.
Michael could not look at the magazine I brought for him with the article on Dan Marino.

I did not feel it was my place to touch his body. I thought about kissing him on the forehead but did not do so. I called his name many times.

I asked if they are giving him pain medications that might account for his unresponsive condition but the nurse said they are not giving him any pain meds. I find it strange that as soon as he went to the nursing home, he suddenly stopped talking and functioning.

Michael use to be an engineer for Motorola. He also was an event planner for John Bradshaw, the inner child author. Michael use to rant about politics. Michael was bipolar. He had Parkinsons and other problems. When he lost his job due to ill health, social security was slow to be approved. He lost his apartment and car and all his possessions and his Persian cat, while waiting for the Soc. Sec. to be approved. He was homeless and ill and the local agencies said he had to be homeless a year before they would help him find housing !!!!!!!! So my bf decided to take Michael into our home. He stayed with us around nine months until the Section 8 Housing found Mike an apartment, paying most of the rent.
I was ill with insomnia at the time. So there was fear of intimacy preventing us all from getting real close as friends. But he had a roof over his head and wasn't on the street. And then he arranged for this last apartment where he lived many years.

Last week I decided he wasn't going to experience the eviction; the Sheriff's department dragging him screaming from his apartment. I encouraged my bf to get Mike to go to the hospital for some relief of his symptoms; the fluid in his stomach. I called his doctor and said he needs to go to a nursing home because he can't return to his apartment, he' s evicted; plus he can't eat properly and his bowels are a wreck. He needs to be taken care of. So the doctor made the order.

The plans are for him to be cremated. There's no plan for a memorial service. And I suddenly realize that I have no photos of Michael.
 
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Fairy Lucretia

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#11
so many love and hugs and best wishes to you and your friend
what a very sad story
for some reason it reminded me of the last night i spent with mummy before she died

he is very lucky to have you
love Lu x
 
Poopy Doll

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#15
how are you feeling today after you loss? x
Thanks for asking, fairy lu. I don't feel like doing anything but we had to walk the dogs, so I just did that. We have leftovers for dinner, so I don't have to cook. Everything reminds me of Michael. Now we have his books and CD's in the house. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. There was no funeral or memorial.

I guess the depression will last awhile. It isn't that I don't know where his soul has gone. I know that much. What it is about is a selfish thing, really, that I want him here with us. I liked cooking for him very much. I liked him coming over for football games every football season. I liked the way he fed all the animals outside; ducks, song birds, squirrels. He'd spend hours outside feeding them.

His favorite place was the graveyard near his apartment where he fed the animals.

It's just that it was so sad how he suffered through chemotherapy and they gave him false hope with the treatment. I said to him, "Well, If you're going to get well, we'll need to fix your old car." And he said, "What do you mean IF ?? !!" He really believed he'd get well with Stage 4 lung/liver cancer.

I don't know why they tortured him. He was so horribly sick from the chemo. My bf actually sat with him through every chemo treatment. They watched TV together.

Every day was spent taking care of Michael's needs, for months. Suddenly it's over.
 
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