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best friend with bipolar disorder abruptly dumped me, help!

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goldentoad97

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hey! i hope this fits into what this forum is for, i've never posted on here but i'm feeling very lost and i could use any insight / advice there is if people on here know more about bipolar disorder than i do!
so my best friend is diagnosed with bipolar disorder and went off their mood stabilizers cold turkey about 4 months ago, 3 months before they dumped me. basically, they had the idea of us moving to a different state together, where we'd know no one and have no job prospects or anything. it was a very sudden idea but as soon as they had it they were 100% "let's start looking for places and move in 2 months." in retrospect i highly suspect they were manic, but i didn't know much about bipolar disorder and didn't think much of them having it. i told them i wanted to think it over first, but every time we'd talk they wanted to research apartments immediately and wanted an answer immediately and would get frustrated when i wouldn't match that energy. eventually, they said they didn't want to make plans anymore because we had different wants, and assured me it wasn't a big deal even though they were giving verbal indications that they were upset about it, and the energy between us was very off. we had a few conversations about this, and none of them went well because i'd get anxious and repeat myself and they'd get really irritated at that and get visibly impatient. eventually, they told me they were setting a boundary that they didn't wanna talk about it anymore, i thought this was negotiable because the issue clearly wasn't resolved and it would've been fair of them to let me talk about it if i still felt the need to. so i communicated this, and they told me i needed to respect their boundary and were very firm that they couldn't talk about it anymore because it "made them treat me like shit" and it was draining to them. it turned into an argument and they told me not to contact them for a while, then a week later they send me a long text telling me they don't wanna be friends anymore because me crossing their boundary made them feel unimportant and we were sucking the energy from each other each time we'd miscommunicate. i am crushed and hurt and find them dumping me over a text very unfair and unlike them. i get that i shouldn't have pushed so hard, but i feel a lot of their reactions were more irritable than the situation called for, and i'm SHOCKED they dumped me over a text. we were the best of friends and this seems so abrupt and dismissive of the level of our friendship. i'm heartbroken and confused and any insight on this in context of them having bipolar disorder would be much appreciated! i've read that people with the disorder can get hyper-irritated at things at a disproportionate level, and sometimes they'll abruptly dump their friends then regret it when their state changes. also, if anyone has any insight on what happens if someone goes off their meds cold turkey that would be much appreciated.
 
OmniscientNihilist

OmniscientNihilist

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hey! i hope this fits into what this forum is for, i've never posted on here but i'm feeling very lost and i could use any insight / advice there is if people on here know more about bipolar disorder than i do!
so my best friend is diagnosed with bipolar disorder and went off their mood stabilizers cold turkey about 4 months ago, 3 months before they dumped me. basically, they had the idea of us moving to a different state together, where we'd know no one and have no job prospects or anything. it was a very sudden idea but as soon as they had it they were 100% "let's start looking for places and move in 2 months." in retrospect i highly suspect they were manic, but i didn't know much about bipolar disorder and didn't think much of them having it. i told them i wanted to think it over first, but every time we'd talk they wanted to research apartments immediately and wanted an answer immediately and would get frustrated when i wouldn't match that energy. eventually, they said they didn't want to make plans anymore because we had different wants, and assured me it wasn't a big deal even though they were giving verbal indications that they were upset about it, and the energy between us was very off. we had a few conversations about this, and none of them went well because i'd get anxious and repeat myself and they'd get really irritated at that and get visibly impatient. eventually, they told me they were setting a boundary that they didn't wanna talk about it anymore, i thought this was negotiable because the issue clearly wasn't resolved and it would've been fair of them to let me talk about it if i still felt the need to. so i communicated this, and they told me i needed to respect their boundary and were very firm that they couldn't talk about it anymore because it "made them treat me like shit" and it was draining to them. it turned into an argument and they told me not to contact them for a while, then a week later they send me a long text telling me they don't wanna be friends anymore because me crossing their boundary made them feel unimportant and we were sucking the energy from each other each time we'd miscommunicate. i am crushed and hurt and find them dumping me over a text very unfair and unlike them. i get that i shouldn't have pushed so hard, but i feel a lot of their reactions were more irritable than the situation called for, and i'm SHOCKED they dumped me over a text. we were the best of friends and this seems so abrupt and dismissive of the level of our friendship. i'm heartbroken and confused and any insight on this in context of them having bipolar disorder would be much appreciated! i've read that people with the disorder can get hyper-irritated at things at a disproportionate level, and sometimes they'll abruptly dump their friends then regret it when their state changes. also, if anyone has any insight on what happens if someone goes off their meds cold turkey that would be much appreciated.
there is less emotion with mania, because it pushes it out. it occupies too much of the consciousness

i keep everything in my life ready for depression. because it always comes back. so i dont take on too much ever.
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

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hey! i hope this fits into what this forum is for, i've never posted on here but i'm feeling very lost and i could use any insight / advice there is if people on here know more about bipolar disorder than i do!
so my best friend is diagnosed with bipolar disorder and went off their mood stabilizers cold turkey about 4 months ago, 3 months before they dumped me. basically, they had the idea of us moving to a different state together, where we'd know no one and have no job prospects or anything. it was a very sudden idea but as soon as they had it they were 100% "let's start looking for places and move in 2 months." in retrospect i highly suspect they were manic, but i didn't know much about bipolar disorder and didn't think much of them having it. i told them i wanted to think it over first, but every time we'd talk they wanted to research apartments immediately and wanted an answer immediately and would get frustrated when i wouldn't match that energy. eventually, they said they didn't want to make plans anymore because we had different wants, and assured me it wasn't a big deal even though they were giving verbal indications that they were upset about it, and the energy between us was very off. we had a few conversations about this, and none of them went well because i'd get anxious and repeat myself and they'd get really irritated at that and get visibly impatient. eventually, they told me they were setting a boundary that they didn't wanna talk about it anymore, i thought this was negotiable because the issue clearly wasn't resolved and it would've been fair of them to let me talk about it if i still felt the need to. so i communicated this, and they told me i needed to respect their boundary and were very firm that they couldn't talk about it anymore because it "made them treat me like shit" and it was draining to them. it turned into an argument and they told me not to contact them for a while, then a week later they send me a long text telling me they don't wanna be friends anymore because me crossing their boundary made them feel unimportant and we were sucking the energy from each other each time we'd miscommunicate. i am crushed and hurt and find them dumping me over a text very unfair and unlike them. i get that i shouldn't have pushed so hard, but i feel a lot of their reactions were more irritable than the situation called for, and i'm SHOCKED they dumped me over a text. we were the best of friends and this seems so abrupt and dismissive of the level of our friendship. i'm heartbroken and confused and any insight on this in context of them having bipolar disorder would be much appreciated! i've read that people with the disorder can get hyper-irritated at things at a disproportionate level, and sometimes they'll abruptly dump their friends then regret it when their state changes. also, if anyone has any insight on what happens if someone goes off their meds cold turkey that would be much appreciated.
Hi there I’m sorry you are going through this with your friend but it’s nit at all unusual for someone with bipolar. When bipolar folks go off their meds very often they slip into mania pretty quickly. Mania can lack good judgement, have grandiose ideas, be irritable, have delusiins of grandeur, cause people to spend recklessly, etc...etc... most of what occurs during my manias has been quite reckless. This is something that I can see occurring during one of my manic episodes. Honestly if your friend is in mania right now you probably don’t want to be around her anyway. Mania can have a lot of destructive energy associated with it and sometimes the best you can do is to give friends or loved ones affected by mania their space. I would give her the space hat she has requested and give it some time. Check back in with her in two weeks time to let her know that you miss her and see how she is doing. Apologize for your role in what caused the split. See what happens. I wouldn’t give up on the relationship entirely because when mania is involved and decisions are made in the heat of the moment it can leave a lot of room for regrets. I hope things work out well for you and your friend over the long term. xo, j
 
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goldentoad97

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@JessisMe this makes so much sense! yeah, the breakup seemed EXTREMELY abrupt so i'm struggling to believe it was 100% genuine. although they were very clear with their language and said things like "we're better off if our lives go in different directions" and was already talking about our friendship in the past tense. it's been like 5 weeks so i'm thinking about reaching out and saying i'm concerned about them and i know things happened abruptly and i do feel very hurt but i'm willing to talk. idk. we haven't talked in 5 weeks and it's just hard because i have NO idea where their head is at.
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

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@JessisMe this makes so much sense! yeah, the breakup seemed EXTREMELY abrupt so i'm struggling to believe it was 100% genuine. although they were very clear with their language and said things like "we're better off if our lives go in different directions" and was already talking about our friendship in the past tense. it's been like 5 weeks so i'm thinking about reaching out and saying i'm concerned about them and i know things happened abruptly and i do feel very hurt but i'm willing to talk. idk. we haven't talked in 5 weeks and it's just hard because i have NO idea where their head is at.
I would definitely reach out. xo, j
 
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rawlinsc

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My friend with schizoaffective abruptly dumped me after I made an apparent flippant comment. I haven't heard from him in months and I probably won't hear from him ever again.
 
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Ladyfair

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I have had so called friends dump me because I said something they couldn't deal with. Im sorry your friend did that to you.
 
Z

Zoe1

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I would not contact someone that had dumped me
they might accuse me of harassment

instead I would get on with my life, make other friends
and join some sort of other activities
hoping that perhaps they might change in the future
through good networking
 
Wishbone

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Remember that the person has an illness. This is one part of that illness. It could mean you get dumped as a friend a lot over the years when episodes occur; it could be that it only happens this one time and future episodes present differently. But just remember that 'illness' part. Depending on how bad she is with this episode she may not be totally there with regards to what she's actually doing, so once it's over she'll likely want to be friends again and she'll be very sorry for what she did as this is the illness talking, not her.
But also keep in mind that manic episodes can be followed by depressive episodes and you can shut people out when depressed too, as you feel people would be better off without you etc. So she may need more time. It depends on the course of the episode.
I like the idea of a simple text, nothing too long or too preachy, just something simple, and leave it at that. Speaking as someone that suffers badly with the irritability side of this illness practically ANYTHING can tick me off at such times, so try to keep it pretty...harmless.

Going off meds usually leads to a relapse, although some live their lives without medication at all, most of us need them. The problem though is that you can get to a stage where you think you don't need them anymore and try to stop, but the inevitable often follows. This is something to keep in mind in the future because if you could ever find out that she's stopped taking them again, you'll know what's likely to happen before too long.
We need good friends to rely on because our lives can be so chaotic. The problem is we aren't always the easiest of people to deal with, but always remember there is the person and there is the illness, and sometimes one will take over the other, but the person is always still there.
 
G

goldentoad97

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@Wishbone thank you so much for your insight, this was really helpful!! yeah, seeing it as an illness is the only way i can make any kind of sense of this situation, and the only way my anger towards my friend can be somewhat alleviated. if i knew then what i now know about bipolar, i would've been less confused during our conversations. i do think a simple text would be good, i just have no idea what kind of state they're in right now so i might give it a couple more weeks? i keep getting urges to tell them how unfair they were being because they'd normally be receptive to that, but i know their illness wouldn't be. and yes, i want to think they'll be sorry for what they did, as i know that's what often happens, but that's kind of hard to believe because they really framed it as ME hurting THEM so badly we couldn't even chat about it to fix it - so i'm afraid that if i send a simple text they'll think i'm brushing off how i hurt their feelings or something. idk. this all makes so much sense and i really hope they'll get in a better mindset and realize me challenging their boundary wasn't as unforgivable as they felt it was!!
 
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Zoe1

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I hope my ex friend doesn't try to contact me

I found her friendship as difficult as my addict brother
 
Ghost_Owl

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Wishbone has given some very good insight. As someone with Bipolar I have done the exact thing your friend has done. At the time the thing I was manic over was like an obsession. A restlessness to achieve what I had set my mind to. Anything that detracted from that was a barrier that provoked irritability. This included close loved ones. So you can end up pushing them away. Then their concern for you becomes another irritant as you are totally fine! You just need to achieve the goal that dominates your thoughts. You don't have time for them or even politeness. It can certainly make you an inconsiderate ass.

Then you crash out of it and reflect on what can be remembered. Like coming out of a drunk bender with scattered memories. Aware enough though you acted horribly. Then the guilt sets in and you ponder if you can mend bridges or not? Might even be too scared to try. Wonder if it is better to be a hermit. Which ultimately feeds the depression cycle that usually comes after mania.

Your friend is possibly somewhere along this cycle. They may well desperately want to salvage what they ruined but might not know how to even begin. So a simple text with minimal details to infer things from seems a good idea. Maybe you can rekindle the friendship you had, maybe even nudge them towards medication again.

It's a tough one though, because unmedicated having them as a friend means more of being exposed to these kinds of experiences. Only you can really weigh up if that is worth it. I hope things work out for you.
 
G

goldentoad97

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Wishbone has given some very good insight. As someone with Bipolar I have done the exact thing your friend has done. At the time the thing I was manic over was like an obsession. A restlessness to achieve what I had set my mind to. Anything that detracted from that was a barrier that provoked irritability. This included close loved ones. So you can end up pushing them away. Then their concern for you becomes another irritant as you are totally fine! You just need to achieve the goal that dominates your thoughts. You don't have time for them or even politeness. It can certainly make you an inconsiderate ass.

Then you crash out of it and reflect on what can be remembered. Like coming out of a drunk bender with scattered memories. Aware enough though you acted horribly. Then the guilt sets in and you ponder if you can mend bridges or not? Might even be too scared to try. Wonder if it is better to be a hermit. Which ultimately feeds the depression cycle that usually comes after mania.

Your friend is possibly somewhere along this cycle. They may well desperately want to salvage what they ruined but might not know how to even begin. So a simple text with minimal details to infer things from seems a good idea. Maybe you can rekindle the friendship you had, maybe even nudge them towards medication again.

It's a tough one though, because unmedicated having them as a friend means more of being exposed to these kinds of experiences. Only you can really weigh up if that is worth it. I hope things work out for you.
this actually really helps it make sense. if i didn't know they had bipolar i'd be SO confused. their manic idea happened to be moving out of state with me on a whim and when i understandably didn't wanna do that without thinking about it, shit went down. i think we just had too many vulnerable conversations following it and i ended up making them offended by pushing their boundaries, even though i thought that boundary was unfair. i haven't heard from them since the hurtful breakup text, and i have no clue what kind of state they're in, but it was SO long and unfounded and just really seemed like it couldn't be coming from a stable person. ideally, they'd get back on their meds or realize how unfair they were being and apologize, but i'd be cautious to be their friend if they aren't on their meds. thank you for your great insight!
 
Z

Zoe1

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this actually really helps it make sense. if i didn't know they had bipolar i'd be SO confused. their manic idea happened to be moving out of state with me on a whim and when i understandably didn't wanna do that without thinking about it, shit went down. i think we just had too many vulnerable conversations following it and i ended up making them offended by pushing their boundaries, even though i thought that boundary was unfair. i haven't heard from them since the hurtful breakup text, and i have no clue what kind of state they're in, but it was SO long and unfounded and just really seemed like it couldn't be coming from a stable person. ideally, they'd get back on their meds or realize how unfair they were being and apologize, but i'd be cautious to be their friend if they aren't on their meds. thank you for your great insight!

do you have a condition goldentoad ?
because giving so much focus to another person
an be a way of avoiding our own issues
 
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