believe sister is BPD but won't admit, how to help

[maggie]

our family is twisted up around my sister's behavioral disorder. mood swings, rages, lies, hoarding... we are all adults, mother elderly.... 1 brother disabled... we are all caregivers... sister living in with them.... i live next door....it's becoming daily torment. How to approach her, do i enlist her kids?, she and her husband estranged, its affecting everyone... Have the book 'walking on eggshells'.... all symptoms are there....but there is no approaching her.....she says everyone else is dysfunctional. it's getting worse, outbursts more frequent... verbally attacks Mother... unprovoked. Mother won't say anything... worried about caregiving of disabled brother... wants to 'keep the peace' but there is no such thing. i appreciate any advice.

 

[Fedup]

Hello and Maggie.

I understand how hard this is for you all , aslong as your sister is in denail/doesn't agree/won't admit that she may have a problem you will always have this walking on egg shells.
Perhaps a chat with her children etc may be worth a try.

Keep us posted .

 

[maggie]

thanks for responding

appreciate a response. i'm starting to reach out. need all advice i can get

 

[Fedup]

Your welcome

Do you not get any " outside " help as your brother is disabled ?

 

[Dollit]

As this could affect the care of your brother and the health of your elderly mother you can raise it with your GP. He will not discuss any problems your sister may or may not have with you but he should be able to point you into a direction that will give you support - a local group or some phone numbers. Meanwhile keep posting and we'll keep listening.

 

[maggie]

getting the help

hi, yes... outside help comes in for daily care and nursing service. this is a lifesaver as i and other brother work full time. Our caregiving is backing them up, doctor's appts, outings, medication management, house maintenance, this stuff. one issue is keeping spirits up and positive. This takes time too. Seems like days just melt into one antoher, the nature of the taskes. The advice on the GP is good. Need to get some sort of outsider to participate. Sister is living there to 'help' but emotionally the environment is all about her mood and manageing 'around' her. ugh. so hard to express in short notes like this. Everything has a story. We don't have a specific pastor but i think some intervener is going to be necessary. just can't 'keep the peace'.... more about waiting for the next volcano. Sorry, just venting. thanks for listening.

 

[Dollit]

Keep on venting and we'll keep on listening. You're safe here.

 

[sweetlily]

In her shoes...

Hi,

I have to admit your story had touched me. Before I was diagnosed with BPD, I was exactly the same way with my family. They were unable to reason with me no matter how much effort was involved. My family wanted me to have a psychiatric assessment, but I refused and blamed my problems on everyone else. My family was also quite dysfunctional throughout the years and they struggled a long time before I finally was involuntarily hospitalized.

Being in your sister's shoes, I can say that I am not sure that you can help her without getting a medical professional involved. I am not a medical professional, but what may work is suggesting a counseling session for YOUR problems and inviting your sister along. She may not be at a state to admit that she has problems, but if you make it sound like the counseling is for you she just may budge. I only suggest this because I wish my family would have tried this route before the hospitalization.

My family has been through a lot, but now that I have been recovering for several years, the relationship has become very strong. I was very angry with my family for a few months after my initial hospitalization.

I wish you the best.

 

[cloudberry]

Can relate, my sister also has BPD.

Hi,

oh how familiar this sounds! My sister was diagnosed about fifteen years ago, she has kids and her partner was off the scene. She was living in her own place though. And before she was diagnosed it became more and more chaotic.

It may be hard that she is living with your mum and next door, but for the sake of the kids this is a very good thing indeed. I dont know what ages they are, but Alex's were young when she became manic (5, 3 and 2) and it escalated into psychosis before she was finally sectioned.

I hate to say this, but something not many people think about is how vulnerable kids of a single parent with mental illness are. They are a magnet to pedophiles in the community, we had this problem. So thank god you and your parents are there to protect them.

As for your sister, I'm sorry to say, but in my experience there is nothing you can do. Its hell. I tried to talk to Alex, but she couldnt hear me, I just got my head bitten off for my trouble. You cant get an irrational person to see reason, thats at the heart of the nature of the problem.

In our situation, things had to get much much worse before a diagnosis was made and she could be stabilised. She yo-yo'd wildly for years, but, good news, has been stable now for a few years (mostly but who's perfect?) understands and manages her illness better now, and just landed a brilliant job!

Keep centered in your heart and your love for your sister. Its the best way of getting through this.

My parents battled with her, I took the stance of not argueing with her, but gently supporting and getting her confidence. As a result I was still able to influence her a little bit when it came to making healthy decisions. I allied myself with her as her sibling. It still works when the chips are down.

Good luck. I hope things resolve sooner rather than later.

cloudberry

 

[maggie]

thank you

although some of this information is actually not reassureing, i'm still comforted. this is truely helpful, please keep responding if convenient. sister's kids are grown and one at least has drawn her own boundaries, has two little kids of her own, had to grow up with all this so can't blame her but she is no real help. i think the medical professionsl advice is good. this inaction hoping for self-resolution is as distorted as the rest of the situation. I do feel it taking a toll on me. i'm 'newly married for first time at 40+ and hubby has watched the 'crazy sister' get crazier. He has to deal wtih it as well, it is viral. Oh well, please keep posting, i've not used this avenue before but i'm feeling strengthened. thank you all.