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Being ugly is causing me to be depressed and lonely

J

justsurvivingouthere

Member
Joined
Jan 14, 2022
Messages
10
Location
Michigan
I'm 24 now and I'm a black woman. When I was in high school, I was bullied mostly by other black people because I was "ugly". I never had a glow up moment so I can't flex even now. Guys would pretend to ask me on dates just to get a laugh out of their friends. Girls would joke around with their guy friends and tell them that they would have to marry me and sometimes the girls would come up to me and tell me that their friend had a crush on me just to get a laugh. People would call me ratchet and one time, two pretty girls were talking when i walked into class and I heard one of them say "you don't want to look ratchet like her." There have been so many incidents of me being bullied and that shit is very traumatizing. I can't get over even with years of therapy under my belt. The bullying has caused me to develop social anxiety and low self-esteem. I am very uncomfortable in my skin and I feel like I'm undesired by my own race as well as every other race. The fact that I'll never be pretty and I'll possibly be alone forever since I'm so far from loving myself makes me not want to live. I have harmful thoughts mostly everyday. I know that in the big picture, looks don't matter because one day all of the pretty girls will get old and wrinkly. But I feel like at least they have a youth of being beautiful and their looks probably set them up for future success. So while I've never had the opportunity of gossipping about cute boys and taking cute instagram pictures and being invited to parties and going out with my cute girlfriends and looking all cute, it's just means that I have a sad lonely youth and I'll probably have a sad future. These other girls will be married with kids and will hang out with their girlfriends that they've known since grade school while I'll be surviving and coming up with new coping mechanisms so I can get through each day and not take my life. It's not the way I want to live. I wish my mindset was "I don't give a fuck" but I absolutely do. And I don't know if I'll ever be healed from my trauma. I don't care when people say "keep going" or "have faith" because at the end of the day, why? if i can't erase my past and i can't change my mind, how will i ever live a good life?
 
Z

Zoe1

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 8, 2019
Messages
22,401
Location
Nowhere
hi just surviving :welcome:

hopefully you will find the forum helpful :hug:

If you're feeling like you want to die, it's important to tell someone.

Help and support are available right now. You do not have to struggle with difficult feelings alone.

Phone a helpline

These free helplines are there to help when you're feeling down or desperate.

You can also call these helplines for advice if you’re worried about someone else.

In the UK and Ireland, call the Samaritans on 116123.
In the US, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline ion 1-800-273-8255.
In Canada, call the Suicide Prevention Service on 1.833.456.4566.
In Australia, call Lifeline on 131114.
In New Zealand, call Need to Talk on 1737 or 080017371737.
For other countries please visit this list of crisis helplines.

Emergency help

If you are in immediate danger, please call your local emergency number (in the UK call 999, in the USA or Canada call 911, in Australia call 000 and in New Zealand call 111 or call the international emergency number of 112).

Please do seek help as soon as possible
 
S

saynow

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 8, 2016
Messages
377
sorry to hear about your suffer
we all have our stories
believe me i hv a story that lasted more than decade or even two decades
most of life was suffer too becoz of kidding and humiliating becoz of shameful rumor
it was real suffer
keep going
i think you need to read about mental coping and how to be mentally strong
 
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calypso

calypso

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Admin
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Jan 5, 2011
Messages
64,110
Location
Lancashire
Life can feel overwhelming and the past haunts me too. I do understand that. But I look at other people around me and they manage to form relationships even when they are very plain looking so there is hope I think. I wonder if you are actually ugly (as you put it) or were just the butt of horrible bullying that made you believe that.

I think people underestimate how terribly damaging school bullying can be even into adulthood. What help did your parents give you? Do you have any friends? You say you have had lots of therapy, did it work on any level for you? If not then maybe it was the wrong type for you. I know its horrible to have people say "stay strong" and "keep going" when all you want to do is curl up in a ball. I think you will find many on here really understand you.
 
LoqLamp

LoqLamp

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 26, 2021
Messages
1,015
Location
UK
If you were actually ugly I doubt people would spend time talking about you.
 
I

IDontCare99

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 27, 2021
Messages
1,452
Location
NoWhere
@justsurvivingouthere I'm sorry you went through that. I dealt with similar things. I didn't really get more comfortable in my skin until I was 29-30. I still deal with insecurities, but it's nothing like what it was. Your story is almost identitical to things I went through, and I'm doing alright now. I think you will be okay. These days 20's aren't much different than Jr. High.
 
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