- Jan 14, 2022
I'm 24 now and I'm a black woman. When I was in high school, I was bullied mostly by other black people because I was "ugly". I never had a glow up moment so I can't flex even now. Guys would pretend to ask me on dates just to get a laugh out of their friends. Girls would joke around with their guy friends and tell them that they would have to marry me and sometimes the girls would come up to me and tell me that their friend had a crush on me just to get a laugh. People would call me ratchet and one time, two pretty girls were talking when i walked into class and I heard one of them say "you don't want to look ratchet like her." There have been so many incidents of me being bullied and that shit is very traumatizing. I can't get over even with years of therapy under my belt. The bullying has caused me to develop social anxiety and low self-esteem. I am very uncomfortable in my skin and I feel like I'm undesired by my own race as well as every other race. The fact that I'll never be pretty and I'll possibly be alone forever since I'm so far from loving myself makes me not want to live. I have harmful thoughts mostly everyday. I know that in the big picture, looks don't matter because one day all of the pretty girls will get old and wrinkly. But I feel like at least they have a youth of being beautiful and their looks probably set them up for future success. So while I've never had the opportunity of gossipping about cute boys and taking cute instagram pictures and being invited to parties and going out with my cute girlfriends and looking all cute, it's just means that I have a sad lonely youth and I'll probably have a sad future. These other girls will be married with kids and will hang out with their girlfriends that they've known since grade school while I'll be surviving and coming up with new coping mechanisms so I can get through each day and not take my life. It's not the way I want to live. I wish my mindset was "I don't give a fuck" but I absolutely do. And I don't know if I'll ever be healed from my trauma. I don't care when people say "keep going" or "have faith" because at the end of the day, why? if i can't erase my past and i can't change my mind, how will i ever live a good life?