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Being nice to myself is always difficult even when I have done some really great things

H

harsh-reality

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May 31, 2016
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England
Being nice to myself is always difficult even when I have done some really great things

Hello

I as everyone tells me I am unbelievably harsh on myself.

Like many I guess I can be very kind to the people around me and allow them many many slip ups, but the slightest cock up - in my eyes a cock up as people tell me - I come down on myself - as the phrase goes - like a ton of bricks.

I still do no paid work at all - five years now since worked - but am doing volunteer roles and also giving lifts to events to people who wouldn't otherwise have made them.

And also this week, because of emails I sent along to a church I attend on occasions - they are donating a grand to a charity I suggested was worthy of a donation - a local group who provide all sorts of sporting and leisure activities around our county - for anyone at all who is struggling in any way with their mental health. All these sessions are absolutely free also.

However, despite myself saying to me - that's absolutely wonderful what you have done there - I am focussing on not being able to cope with a long term friend currently - who is not exactly unwell - but I cannot cope with his conversations currently - because in general they go against my principles - he a gambler.

He's stopped now but was only through me keep on catching him out and attempting tell people he lives with - but at the time me doing that for him - the family of his - were not believing me - and giving me a going over at that time.

Since he stopped though - not one word of thanks - which did actually truly piss me off and I did get very very angry the other night with him - as I simply felt massively taken for granted.

He's not totally isolated, ie doing volunteer work and involved in a mh group of his own - but he very very good at making me feel the guilty one.

Is anyone on here who has been around an addict and yet they have been the ones that feel to blame and not the guy himself.

He has stopped now - but only because after myself taking b*ll*cking after b*ll*cking from his house mates - I found him in the bookies and urged them to go down and now hold his cards etc.

I may at times have a bit of a death wish who I hang around with - because although I can do nice things re donation above - I always feel way way too obligated to some people who consistently disappoint.

Others I know say what he doing is not normal - no - but it's not my problem - he's adult and he needs to take more responsibility for his own actions and not deflect the guilt onto myself.

I do feel obligated to him, because two or three years ago, he could hardly get out the door at all, I helped in his recovery and since his housemates now hold his cards - he is much more involved in various activities.

but another one in particular he doing now which I really don't like - he has the number of a woman he met online - she is in a supported living accomodation - and quite isolated also and more unwell than him - and because his family he sending her gifts very often.

He has never met her and she lives over three hundred miles away and although he says he will go up there to meet her, when he said that he said he hoped he'd get a shag out of it.

I really was appalled by that statement - really didn't like it at all -he couldn't have been being a bit flippant but I hated him saying it- zero respect as far me concerned for another - she phones him all the time now also.

I blew my top with him over both this - with this poor woman - and also the lack of gratitude for me stopping his gambling.

Firstly does anyone else massively demean any of their achievements on here and big up other people massively more than themselves even as I do know really I have been doing some good things and never been like this man and yet I often feel completely inadequate towards himself because he always says to me I am incredibly harsh to him and he doesn't deserve any kind of abuse.

I have to admit on many occasions, I have tried to wake him up to himself a great deal via email - was it harsh - not really - I was trying make him understand where he was heading - and it worked - but even still the lack of gratitude towards myself still grates, but when I say to him I can't deal with this anymore - he falls apart and starts crying and blames me for making him feel crap, which I cannot deal with at all.

And makes me feel like I am pretty awful person myself - which I know I am not - but often I have an incredibly low opinion of myself anyhow - which I do still need often to work on wrt me.

Sorry very long post so hope you get the gist.

Thank you very much.

Harsh_Reality:unsure:
 
H

harsh-reality

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May 31, 2016
Messages
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England
I do hate myself on a very regular basis as a result also of family abuse, when I was unwell and complete ostracisation from my siblings and their families after I was incredibly angry that prior to ending up in hospital three years ago and ever since there was almost zero contact and they all live very close in distance also.

I have been told their opinion of me is not right and am aware of that, yet inside am constantly berating myself always.
 
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harsh-reality

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I am exhausted. Have not got a single reply in two days.
 
skitzofrantik

skitzofrantik

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terminal velocity
Firstly I am proberly the worst person to respond to this but hey ho what's accuses, just guessing you have looked at the amount of people who have read this thread and are feeling it personally for not having a response. Also if a geriatric member posts with a few words you would have also felt slighted for not getting a proper response (this is only my opinion) .

So why are you feeling exhausted is it because of this thread of what has been happening recently for you?

From reading through your post in my opinion you seem to fixate and obsess on things as I say I am no pro psych person or anything else I can only say what I see. You seem to have quite a few positives in your life but don't want to let any of the shit go, do you get out, do you have friends or at least one person you can offload to, I understand the self loathing I think a good amount of the forum does to one degree or another. Most people on here if honest (again my own opinion not the "forums") underplay there achievements and wins, why face that when your worth shit :scratcheshead:
Hope this reply helps if not ctrl + w peace
 
H

harsh-reality

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May 31, 2016
Messages
280
Location
England
Firstly I am proberly the worst person to respond to this but hey ho what's accuses, just guessing you have looked at the amount of people who have read this thread and are feeling it personally for not having a response. Also if a geriatric member posts with a few words you would have also felt slighted for not getting a proper response (this is only my opinion) .

So why are you feeling exhausted is it because of this thread of what has been happening recently for you?

From reading through your post in my opinion you seem to fixate and obsess on things as I say I am no pro psych person or anything else I can only say what I see. You seem to have quite a few positives in your life but don't want to let any of the shit go, do you get out, do you have friends or at least one person you can offload to, I understand the self loathing I think a good amount of the forum does to one degree or another. Most people on here if honest (again my own opinion not the "forums") underplay there achievements and wins, why face that when your worth shit :scratcheshead:
Hope this reply helps if not ctrl + w peace

You are correct absolutely, no I do get out, have some decent friends around and a reasonable life - but yes you are absolutely right I can fixate on the negatives around so much more than any other positives in my life, ie somehow trying to get the whole of my life absolutely one hundred percent and thats pretty unrealistic totally agree skitzofrantic.

I have to be careful absolutely that I do not carry my mind to fixate on things going wrong which in all reality I simply do not need to at all.

Yes and I do know about the being kind to yourself one. That would be a better obsession if I have to obsess about anything.

Thamks for reply - makes sense.
 
C

CBlack0

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Oct 10, 2014
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Harsh-reality, being yourself so hard is not a good thing. Have tried to find out why you're harsh on yourself?
 
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harsh-reality

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Cblack0

It dates back to school days. Always had to come out top in anything I did, ie sports or academia.

And in those basic sort of terms I did well. If I finished below half way in the class, it was a complete catastrophe, which I was extremely irritated by.

I never felt good enough for women - more than likely because of non existent care from supposedly non mh sisters.

Was pushed to always work extremely hard by parents even after got the diagnosis of schizophrenia and last job did all the work, got none of the praise or financial reward and was consistently a figure of ridicule.

Led to three years of almost total isolation, but have rebuilt my life and am moving forwards and am hopeful of some from of paid work once more - been successfully volunteering for couple of years.

Previously compared myself to parents and siblings and their families ie very wealthy all of them.

I have done adequately but am certainly well well below average, but have never taken into consideration my dx in all that I have done.

Six times in hospital - no chance in my life of number seven ever !!!!


Women like me and always have but myself liking has been of loathing in all reality, but guess can see that some things I have done have been adequate - still downplay that even with schizophrenia for so many years was working full time and have been told this is exceptional.

Maybe I have to be beyond much much kinder.

Allow myself to be loved again - ie relationship possibility - it's been abusive siblings whose aggressive reactions to emails from me asking why they not in contact when I had been so unwell for so long - get the reason now - they completely and totally oblivious one to what I go through and two couldn't give a flying fig !!!!

Not nice people.

I should start begin to judge myself based on many good deeds have done recently and not compare myself to unfavourably economically successful but however abusive family members who not nice as people as they themselves believe.

I am an ok dude and should say this to myself a great deal more. Many thanks for very kind replies.

Appreciated.

Harsh-Reality.
 
B

baba yaga

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Sounds a lot like me. Obsessed with doing good for others but hard on myself. I know that in my case it relates to emotional abuse in childhood.

I am trying to work on being more positive about myself and get on with things that are for me. But because I have been trying to support several other people with their mental health issues, I have had constant demands and requests today that have got in the way of me taking care of myself! And I haven't been able to get hold to any of my own more "stable" friends on the phone -- only Samaritans!!

I know I do this stuff for other people partly to make up for what was not done for me when I needed it!. But I will have to set more limits in order to get on with my life. Sounds like it would be a good idea if you did that too.

Try to tell yourself you aren't "responsible" for someone like the gambling bloke. You have done what you could for him, and that's that. It's far too easy for people like us to take the blame for everything. That is even more likely to happen if there has been emotional abuse in the family and that has included them blaming us for things we couldn't possibly be responsible for when we were children -- or making unreasonable demands.

I live in a Housing Association flat, and practically everyone around here has mental health/drug/drink problems etc. Today a downstairs neighbour wanted me to stay with her to stop her going out to get drunk -- but when I went back down she had gone out anyway! Another one is having a psychotic break and staying at his mum's, and is terrified someone will find out he isn't home and break in. Wants me to protect his flat. I end up feeling like the house mother! I also have an ex foster child who keeps ringing me up and crying about her relationship. And I have been contacting people to try to resolve a dispute in a support group that I attend.

So I had no time to finish housework, which is something that always makes me panic anyway. That's probably one of the reasons why I get so involved in other people's stuff.

I don't seem to have any kind of psychosis, but I do have anxiety, depression, and some BPD traits. Anyway, we seem to have a certain amount in common, and I'd like to have a further conversation with you.
 
blacksmoke

blacksmoke

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my bro is close to collaspse with all this constantly saying yes and being all things to all people. and his partner...takes the mick but hey it takes two to make a relationship.

he is close to cracking up i reckon and i havent exactly been there for him as i have had probs myself. yes that is it my bro has to be all things to all people cos he had a CRAP childhood. childhood should come with a government future health warning i reckon.

my bro needs to learn to say no something that i have had to do and still doing.

we cant be responsible for other peoples dysfuncti0n, yeah we can listen and maybe give some pointers along way but dont get sucked into it.

you need to let go of having to fix other peoples life's. that is what i had to do a number of years ago. its hard enough to manage my own shite let alone others and no that doesnt stop me being a listening ear and maybe making some suggestions but that is where it stops. we are responsible for our own life's and that is the bottom line.

and have you ever considered that you are enabling people to continue their behaviour that is not helpful, again that is something i had to concede with a heavy heart.
 
H

harsh-reality

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Thank you blacksmoke and baba yaga

I have not as yet been back in contact with this man.

Am sort of feeling better - ie getting on with what I have to do - but yes the needs to try to help others to put things right in their own lives still exists - it's a lifelong obsession - which I do truly know at times negates my own needs and desires.

In some senses with this particular friend it has put him up on a pedestal that he barely deserves and yet when my recent complaints have led to him not being interested ie am not playing him as the guy that needs to be listened to and always helped - only one I know with no mh support ie cos apparently he never ever needs it - ie got his elderly mum and me - keep trying say to him - am your friend not your support worker - but I guess been so long he thinks all mates are support workers.

Am personally doing better this last couple weeks - ie not being guilt tripped for being dreadful friend ie daring to criticise behaviours etc - but the desire to ring to see how it's going and / or help stilll there - will it help me though - unsure !!!

Are you in supported living accomodation baba yaga - was in ten years ago but found it too draining however at the time was fortunate enough to be able to move in back with parents for a period.

If you got the need to help others and your neighbours all notice this and ;ean on your own good natures, doesn't sound like the natural barriers are up, if you need to go easy yourself.

I live in a housing association block but within this particualr block keep myself to myself - I know a cople of others from other blocks but I just decided people within my own block I would not make friends ie could knock on my door at any given time, which wouldn't have helped me.

My two immediate neighbours both decent but was a decision I made.

Can be a bit obsessive on the housework thing myself ie perfectionist - gotta be kinder myself - stop gving myself b**l*ck*ng.

I done my best for him - you right - it was never appreciated much tbh - and since I know criticise - I am an a*s*h**e.

Which hurts and annoys me both.

I am not playing my role as far as he concerned.

I try to foxus on all good but difficult
 
S

Shump

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Helped me to go to yoga practice where there was a very kind instructor, I sort of drew some of it in to myself, I feel like... or that she showed it's okay to show such kindness to self and others... at least in some setting.
 
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harsh-reality

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I have been doing yoga for arounds a year now. Yes agree it is brilliant for relaxation and refocussing if mind a bit of a fuzz too - good for men too - know from my own experiences it's generally a woman thing but doesn't stop me and shouldn't stop anyone else either.
 
B

baba yaga

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Hello harsh reality --- No, this is not supported accomodation -- if it were, I really don't think I would be spending quite so much time on other people's problems!! This is so called "general needs" housing, ha-ha. A row of five houses, 22 flats. At least six people here should be in supported housing. But there's no place for them to go to. Virtually everyone here has drink/drug/mental health/learning disability problems, or recently came out of prison or a hostel, etc. Very "general", yes?

That doesn't mean I am denying that I use my helping skills to distract myself from my own problems. And that can become a problem in itself. But I think you can see why it gets more tempting in this situation.

Right now I am really quite unwell with depression, and have to focus on myself, have no choice really. Hoping to get help from mental health services within next few weeks.

I have to go to bed now so won't go on. Will have another read of your posts soon and reply again
 
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harsh-reality

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Hope you get some good rest baba yaga

Be kind to yourself

Sleep can make the worst seem bearable

All too easy try and help others. I do that all too often myself.

ie some take advantage or take it for granted often.

Have a friend who been living independently and been banging on about supported housing so often I think the powers that be finally gave in to him.

I think he was coping but yes generally those that shout the loudest that finally get what they want sometimes,

Sounds difficult to extract yourself from others problems where you live as you have possibly been too kind to some. Hope you can put yourself first for a change for a bit.
 
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