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Been with someone for basically 8 years who has been diagnosed with Paranoia Personality Disorder (PPD) Need advice

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hanging in there

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Been with someone for basically 8 years who has been diagnosed with Paranoia Personality Disorder (PPD) Need advice

I'll start with a little background. I started dating a girl about 8 years ago with PPD. She wasn't diagnosed until after several years of meeting her. I am 39 and she is about to turn 37. Within a month or two of dating her I could tell something was off but I continued on because she is a pretty amazing person. About 3 years into the relationship she had a major mental breakdown. She was having a real hard time at work because she thought that everyone talked about her behind her back and didn't like her. I was at her apartment and she was telling me that her place of employment had bugged her phone, her TV, and were outside listening to her. This was the only Paranoid episode I have ever witnessed from her up until the present time. She was in a extremely bad state of mind so I contacted her parents who lived 4 hours away and had them buy her a plane ticket home. She ended up losing her job a week later. I took her to the airport the following morning and she went home. Her parents didn't do too much. They did get her into a counselor once a week but she really needed to be submitted to a hospital. As I found out later her parents where one of the main causes for her PPD but she never let on that she had a problem with her parents to me prior to the breakdown. Her Dad has the worst temper I have ever seen and her Mom lives in complete denial of all the family issues so she can put on the illusion that she has the perfect family to the outside world. She said her dad had hit her several times growing up. While she was home she shared a lot of her feelings with her parents and her Dad threatened to kick her out of the house. I would call and talk to her several times a day. She told me she was going to try to kill herself but apparently I called her right before without knowing and calmed her down. She told me this about 6 months after the incident. I didn't do anything special, just talked to her. After 4-5 months of living with her parents she moved back to the city where I lived. She moved into the basement of a married friend. I had gotten her into a counselor and also into a Psychiatrist. Her church pays for her counseling so that helps a ton. She has lived in my area for the last 3 years and has lived in 4 different places. She has pushed me away on at least 5 different occasions. She just tells me she can't be with me anymore. Then her counselor will call me and tell me she is in bad shape without me and she needs me then I contact her and start hanging out with her again and everything seems great until out of nowhere she will push me away again. This has taken a huge toll on my life but I have dealt with it because I think it is the PPD and not her own true feelings. I went to counseling with her on about 10 different occasions because it seems I am really the only one who knows exactly what is going on with her and I can give information to the counselor that she would never reveal to him on her own. She doesn't really have any support from her family and she doesn't really trust them anyways besides one of her sisters. A few months ago she pushed me away again and I decided to move across the Country clear my mind and get away. We started talking again the week prior to leaving. She told me she only felt emotionally alive when she was with me and that she loved me. So we were talking on a daily basis until 3 days after I arrived here. She said she needed a couple days break and I never heard from her again. It has been 3 months. I was in weekly contact with her counselor and he would tell me she breaks down crying and says she misses me during every counseling session. He thinks she really wants to be with me she just pushed me away as a defensive mechanism. She found out I was talking to her counselor and she cut off communication between me and him also. I was able to get her one sister involved who she trusts the most. She is going to visit her and go to her counselor with her. Any advice to what I should do? My dilemma is that I love her more than any other girl I have ever met and she is an awesome person. I'm completely happy when with her but I get really depressed when she pushes me away.
 
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SomersetScorpio

SomersetScorpio

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Hey,
I don't know much about PPD, or relationships for that matter, but I saw nobody has replied yet and just wanted to respond.
It sounds like you're really in love with her, and you're an incredibly supportive partner. I fully agree with what the counsellor said, in that when she pushes you away, it sounds like it's a defense.

I lost track with how things are now. Are you no longer talking to her at all? Can you not contact her counsellor at all? Maybe you could call her sister and talk to her.
The only thing it seems you can do is get a message to her that you love her, and you want to be with her, and that you're always there for her. Due to her illness, it's likely that this might happen again, should you and her get back together. I wonder if there's some way that you can work on a strategy or plan of action, if/when it happens again. Maybe when she's in a stable period, you and her could work out what is most helpful to her when she feels like pushing you away.

I'm really sorry I can't be more helpful. Good luck with everything, I hope it works out because you seem like a really nice person. x
 
H

hanging in there

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Thanks for the reply. I am no longer talking to her. It has been 3 months. Usually around this time she or her counselor will contact me but I'm not to sure this time around. You gave great advice. If I ever get back with her I will definitely discuss a point of action when this happens again. I have never thought of that. For the first several years we never had any issues. It wasn't until her breakdown that she would periodically push me away. Thanks a lot for your input. I think my post was way too long for most people to read and respond to. I should have made it shorter. Thanks again for your advice. Hopefully I will be able to incorporate it.
 
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anonymous1

Former member
Hi hanging in there, I don't know if you are back in touch with her, but having had paranoia too I would definitely agree that having a plan of action when she is well would be a really good thing. Also, if/when you are back together she maybe able to recall what it is that she is thinking when she pushes you away. I found CBT helpful to some extent with paranoia - although I think I can remember reading that something about schema therapy being helpful - not sure if I've got that right.

From experience, really strong emotions are involved of fear. I still haven't really understood all about my own situation - but I have found that it has helped at times to keep a record of thoughts and emotions and whats happened because then you can notice patterns - and then later when it happens again you can just notice the process and recognise that it is happening without it overwhelming you. Some thoughts that happen are 'hot' thoughts (ie. they score a high percentage out out of 100 for anxiety/fear) and trigger the paranoia. It could be that these hot thoughts are linked to some past upset or traumatic event.

I don't know if this helps. I've found that the trouble is that there doesn't seem to be skilled therapy available on the NHS so that you can get completely well. There is a psychiatrist in the UK called Bob Johnson who has worked with people with psychosis and paranoia who had a lot of success working with very ill people in prison because he had the view that there was always a reason in a person's past - some kind of trauma which has triggered illness - he might be one person who's approach might be encouraging. He's a bit unconventional but he did seem to turn a lot of people's lives round.
 
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anonymous1

Former member
I just reread your post and the part about her counsellor talking to you and divulging how she reacted in the sessions - that sounds completely wrong of the counsellor to me because of the need for boundaries and trust - what she said ought to have been completely confidential to the sessions. I'm not surprised that she stopped that communication. It would have been different if you had been attending the sessions together and she shared that with you in front of the counsellor - the counsellor ought to have had her permission for anything at all that was told to you.
 
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hanging in there

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The counselor was worried about possible suicidal thoughts and he knew I was the one who knew her best and had been helping her. She had lost her job again and he was thinking she could do something to try to end her life. I had attended all her counseling up into the point I moved away 3 months ago. Right now me and her sister are working on getting her admitted to a Mental hospital. We just can't figure out how to pay for it because she doesn't have health insurance.
 
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sunnyrain

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Been with someone for basically 8 years who has been diagnosed with Paranoia Personality Disorder (PPD) Need advice

Not sure where she is, but we have one mental rehabilitation place [it's a crisis center too ] but if you don't have insurance, they don't charge you. they say the last thing you need to worry about in time like those is more debt. I've been several times myself and have he better experiences there than in one that cost me 1200$ a day. people there seen to care, it wasn't just a paycheck. maybe try looking around for a state funded mental institute...it's hard, but if you look there is some free help.
and as for her pushing you away, I'm sorry. I have done that to so many people in my life. I push so much it becomes impossible to be around me, but deep inside all I really want is for them to grab me and hold me, not let me push away, to pull me closer, because I'm tired of being strong. I want some one to do it for me. I get all the paranoid thoughts like you mentioned. I understand it, and I understand how difficult I make it for anyone to be around me sometimes. I can tell you really love her and seems like she loves you. don't be creepy and stalking like, but be persistent. let her know that you are there for her, the good and bad. show her, time after time, even if it seems to go unnoticed, I'm sure it makes a difference. everything is easier said than done. I hope you and her sister can get her help. good luck
 
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hanging in there

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Thanks Tiffany and anonymous. I send her a text or email about once a week. Just really short telling her I miss her and that I am here for her if needed. What state is that crisis center in? Also Tiffany, why do you feel a need to push people away? Is it a defense mechanism so you don't get hurt or are there other reasons? Thanks again. It is awesome talking to people who understand PPD.
 
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sunnyrain

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Been with someone for basically 8 years who has been diagnosed with Paranoia Personality Disorder (PPD) Need advice

It's a few things...these are some of my thoughts when it happen (kinda fighting it now)
I'm unworthy of anyone to love me , I drag everyone down, I make people miserable, I ruin peoples lives. no understand what I'm going through, no one cares, everybody just thinks I create problems...they are just going to leave anyways..everyone always does. if I do let them in, they'll see what's wrong with me and hurt me more by leaving when I thought I could trust them. ..
it's really just a series of negative thinking, sometimes based on past experiences and others just on paranoid thoughts. some people say you can stop the negative thoughts, but it's not easy. once on that downward spiral, it's hard to stop.
 
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anonymous1

Former member
Reading what Tiffany wrote, has made me remember a 'loop' in my thinking that was uncovered when I went to see a psychologist - basically it was along the lines of 'reject someone else' before they 'reject me' and was connected with a belief that there was something wrong with me. It was kind of see-saw - the belief that there was something wrong with me was so strong that if people started accepting me, I began to think that there must be something wrong with them for accepting me. It would set off critical thoughts about them or me or scary thoughts about rejection and then I would then react by backing off.
 
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