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Been in recovery on and off, just got engaged I'm scared

K

katwomyn3

Well-known member
Joined
May 19, 2020
Messages
46
Location
Los angeles
I have been quite vocal about my struggle about my struggle with my eating disorder, I just recently engaged. I have been transparent to my fiancee about having an eating. Yet, I haven't been completely honest that my behaviors persist on and off. As far as he knows, I struggle and overcome them, simply because I am vocal about it. We are not getting married for a few more years, due to his going to school and me getting established at my current job. I also want to get a degree. We are not living together, and I asked we wait a couple of years until we do. I know I'm really milking this engagement. We live in Los Angeles and it's expensive. So, investing in buying a home would take time(it's outrageously expensive her) and getting married is also expensive. But, the main reason is I still have relapses. So far I have relapses. He's a guy, he has a bigger appetite and depending on how I'm feeling or whatever fortitude I have I eat normally. Yet, sometimes I eat and then I binge after he goes back home to walk his dog, do homework, etc., and purge.
This was before we became engaged, as excited and happy I am we are taking this step I am beyond apprehensive thinking about the reality and scenarios I will have to live with trying to downplay my behaviors since they are not always in control. I say in control, because when I feel like bingeing and instead adapted as aspect of ED behavior that is more like anorexia. I am bulimic. I am scared of when I don't have the strength to keep the bingeing and purging at bay. He is more aware of when I am not eating enough or when I am over eating, but as we all know we are very sneaky in hiding an in between set of behaviors most people wouldn't aware of.
I don't kid myself I won't fully recovered by the time we share the same living space. This kind of illness can put a lot of stress on couples. This is based on my experience in therapy groups, my peers who are married or living with their significant others.
My fiancee is in therapy himself, for depression and anxiety. He has been as honest with me as I have been about mental health issues we have struggled with. Most likely, it's the ED talking trying to 'perfect' for him before we take the marital plunge.
If there is anyone living with an eating disorder while in relationship, whether you have one or are with someone who has one trying to make it work, I would very much like advice, thoughts, just plain honesty. I would greatly appreciate. I just want to know I am not alone amongst peers.
 

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