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    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

Been fighting for 20 years now

Ricky Bobby

Ricky Bobby

New member
Joined
Apr 23, 2020
Messages
3
Location
Europe
Hi everybody,

I'm a 39 year old man and if you'd walked past on my on a sidewalk you'd probably do your best not to bump into me. I was given the looks of a burly badass but sprinkled with crippling depression, just to make things interesting.

The first time I've seen a psychiatrist was at the age of 19. They were pretty loose with the meds and I was put on antidepressants then and there.

It's fair to say that up to that point, nothing bad has yet happened to me. Fast forward a few years and, within a year and a half) I loose the only parent I had, my fiance (break up), I lose my job and the private company I start after that goes under.

Stuff happens and I didn't really feel anything "crippling" in the midst of all that. I was just fighting. There was apparently still some juice in my brain.

It's only when I started a successful business and could relax a bit that I broke to pieces. I was officially clinically depressed. It's been a daily battle ever since - my therapist of 8 years says that that I am the single case most resistant to antidepressant she's ever treated.

Where I am today - about 7 months ago I started a relationship with this nice girl. I'm trying to somehow keep it together but all of the patterns of a serious depression episode are here again. I know what most of you will say to this but I'm trying to hide it because she's extremely scared of it. I could tell the first time I told her about it and the one or two times I mentioned it since.

On top of that, my business is pretty much in the gutter. It's not about the depression, it's just come Covid-related stuff that changed the industry I'm in. That's not the worst part when it comes to work - I've pulled myself out by the bootstraps before, but this time it's different. My brain is just not there - I'm flat-lining every time I try to do something.

I have what I believe to be a practical approach to depression. For about 10 years now, I think that I haven't experienced real joy. And I got used to it. Every day is a conscious effort and a battle and I got away with it until now, mostly because I managed to grow a business that brings an almost passive income. It's been a long time since I had to do anything demanding.

Bottom line - this is the first time my depression is threatening my very livelihood and existence.

As I said, I try to have a practical approach to these things so I'll be asking some specific questions in separate threads.

It's a relief to say stuff and know it won't fall on deaf ears.
 
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