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Been a battle for 28 years with no medication

madmark

madmark

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thank you james for your thoughts as i know u having a difficult time yourself and i so hope you finding your way through regarding me this is were i am ive been working since my mind went crazy regarding my opp trying to put it aside in my head but hey we all know with this going on it isn't going to settle latest update i started my counseling last monday it went well but hey it may help it may not but giving it ago , ive been trying to turn my mental state round as i been battling being suicidal most of my life and now i have a medical condition that may well kill me its like my mental state says yes about f""king time bring it on and my battle for suicide has gone away as this may well do the job for me . so it seems to be the problem now i go for the checks / treatment i need doing and i became super suicidal as i said and i lost control of my self and had to stop the medical help as the feeling was so strong inside my head had plans that if i didn't stop the treatment at my pre assessment on the monday the opp was meant to take place on the wednesday i had plans to kill myself tuesday so everything was put on hold to erase this state of mind i feel so weak for not winning that battle But it has kept me here so i can fight another day since then i been back to the hospital explained what happened to me also talked on the phone with the doctor the results of these is the hospital have got the mental health team on board who are calling me thursday for a telephone assessment and i also have a appointment with my doctor thursday to discuss my problems and try to find away through i am trying to find a safe route through this problem but struggling fingers crossed i can manage to settle my brain regarding just having this 1st opp to get results of what it is and what treatment needs doing then go from that hurdle my feelings are i don't want to be here anymore which i know is selfish but i don't want to leave my family and friends the suffering i going through with the loss of a loved 1 super difficult to cope and deal with
 
J

JCPraha

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Aug 27, 2018
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833
Hello Mark. I think I know how you feel. I have thought about suicide quite often myself. I think anyone who suffers with mental health issues for a long time has considered it. I think that if I got some kind of life threatening illness, I may just let it go until it kills me. In a way, it would be a relief. A way to get out of this world, that gives so much pain. Of course, I am not recommending that you do the same as I am thinking to do. But it a way, a terminal illness would be a relief to me. I could just give up, and let it take me away. I know it is selfish, but life is so painful most of the time.
 
madmark

madmark

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james this is exactly how my brain see it at 1st and my mental health stopped me from receiving any help like it does if i take antidepressants it has a reverse affect on me and blocks all help ive seen the doc again thursday and got the ball rolling again round 2 to try get this biopsy done like he said to me if i can manage that part i will then know what ime dealing with the choice is still mine then to chose treatment or not but deal with that part if and when i get to that stage for most people this is a simple opp but for me its a massive trauma ime having to face and battle to get the help a battle with myself that right now i dont need i can only walk on to so many battle fields at 1 time and walk back out with out scars and wounds to my body/mind but here goes again just waiting for the appointment its a urgent referral so should be very soon and james i feel your pain been there and yes part of me is still there guess its 50/50 and at the moment ime trying to swim not sink hope you manage to also find the strength with in you to do the same i go for a quite drive alone or a short walk sometimes to help clear my head and take time out does help me all the best mark
 
J

JCPraha

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Hello Mark,

Go for your biopsy and see what you are dealing with. I know it is very difficult. I have problems forcing myself to do things I must do, it is not easy. Unfortunately, having mental health problems is bad enough in itself, but the other problems of life keep coming at us regardless of our mental state.

Try to take one day at a time. It is all I can do, if I think about the longer term and all the issues I face, I get into a terrible mental state. But try to force yourself to get this biopsy so we can determine what we are dealing with, it is important. It is good that at least you have good health insurance and care is available to you.

We fight so many battles and struggles within ourselves and with the outside world, it is quite difficult to cope with. No one has any easy answers. Life is certainly not easy. I am struggling with my own problems, I am not sure what will happen. Life is so uncertain for me. I try to keep from losing control of myself as well, my mind tortures me at times.

I suppose we try to persevere to the end. Take care of yourself, I am hoping and praying for you. I know how very difficult and painful it is.

Your Friend,

James
 
madmark

madmark

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ok so hospital on 26th sep and then again on the 1st oct but no date for the opp yet was hoping i would just get the appointment for the opp through rather than all this again but hey i will talk about it on the 26th and push for it asap or i will just give up again the more i mess about the stronger the state of my mental health will take over need to be in there and out of there no messing between lol / and james ive came so far as u may have read push push push and ive realised i have my choice carry on in life or chuck it all away and end it so i think very deeply when i hit rock bottom am i 100% with in myself i want to vanish from this life OR do i go for another push and put my jigsaw back together guess this time ime gathering the pieces by trying to have the biopsy then i place it on the table and choose then whether i want to put it together or not and leave it all to fall apart and disappear yes life is very difficult even when things are running smooth but james the saying is life goes on regardless of our state of mind so i just try to hang on and keep up best i can you take care of yourself and keep focused with in yourself and ime trying to do the same
 
J

JCPraha

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Hello Mark. Keep your appointments and try to push on. I will do the same, as painful as life is. You never know with life, it is possible things could improve. I know a person's mental state means everything. It is so difficult to face problems when in a bad mental state, I know from my own experience. However, other problems keep coming regardless of our own state of mind.I know it is so hard when a person is at the end of their rope. I have been there, on a number of occasions. Take care, Mark, and get the treatment you need. I am thinking of you and always hoping for the best for you.
 
madmark

madmark

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ok all booked ime in for biopsy monday mid day
 
J

JCPraha

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Great Mark! I am glad you did that. Keep going. I am proud of you. Thinking of you and wishing all the best for you.
 
madmark

madmark

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all done and back home results in 2 weeks thank you all for your support
 
J

JCPraha

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Very good Mark. I am glad you did that. All the best to you. Keep up the fight.
 
madmark

madmark

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Location
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and you james focus and push buddy day by day take care
 
J

JCPraha

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Thank you Mark. I am trying, but it is quite difficult. Fighting my mental and physical health problems each day. Very difficult, as you know. I am trying to hang on and find a way to live.
 
madmark

madmark

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ok so been a while a lot going on got the call today from the hospital and appointment tomorrow morning will update regarding my results , also was in the family court last week and sorted out my divorce so that's done just the financial order to sort out now which is on going feel like i'm on a roller coaster ride but ploughing my way through the issues 1 by 1 , still seeing the bereavement/physiatrist every 2 weeks which i think is helping me hold track of whats happening
sort of lol i've had a flu like feeling for about 4 weeks but now starting to get over it i hope anyway . hope you are all ok and as well as you can be with in this mixed up world we live in x the battle goes on regardless
 
madmark

madmark

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Messages
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Location
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ok sorry for the delay got the results good news and bad news i was told at present the ulcers are not cancerous which they say is good news but there is a very high risc they will become cancerous in the future and for this reason i'm having to have a camera down my throat every 4 months to start to check whats going on with the situation but if my voice changes again as it did last month i have to call and go in straight away with out delay for checks , its left me feeling numb regarding this as i have no control and there is nothing i can do as it feels in my head its cancer on the way and as i always said i will not have treatment for it its like ive been put on death row not knowing when my time is going to be up but plod on for now i am and trying to put this to the back of my mind until further action is needed so as not to mess my head up i will find out a lot more at my 1st 4 month check as i was in no fit state to sit and ask questions when i went for results just wanted to get out the place as quick as possible hope you are all ok and well stay strong mark
 
madmark

madmark

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Joined
Oct 25, 2011
Messages
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Location
uk
Thank you Mark. I am trying, but it is quite difficult. Fighting my mental and physical health problems each day. Very difficult, as you know. I am trying to hang on and find a way to live.
hope you are ok james u been quite keep focused mate the war goes on and a man hug from me to u :hug:
 
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