Been a battle for 28 years with no medication

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Pollypop

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Hi Mark, what a horrible 12months you have had.
Your brother dying suddenly, your mums long illness before she passed
and supporting your Dad through everything.

Now you have medical problems as well to contend with.
I think you are marvellous the way you have coped with what life has thrown
at you.

I hope your tests show there is nothing serious.
Thinking about you. X
 
madmark

madmark

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uk
thank you for the posts of support i take them all on board and my assessment has come through its 23rd august my head is just going crazy inside but outside i carry on as normal i do feel as the time gets nearer it pressure with in me will rise with all that has gone on in the last year my bro then my mum both gone then my dad with his heart scare now me lets hope ime the end of this run of heart ache i have lots of medication to take new and old and i am for once doing as ime told lol my head still can not process what is going on i watched and supported my mum through the last year of her life with cancer not nice to watch and feel the pain along side her its left mental scars in my mind which i cant erase been working on changing the state of my mind regarding the loss of my brother and mum and trying to move forward with my dad and now this bomb shell landed in my head/mind ive always said i feel like a soldier at war with myself but i can not keep taking these hard hits so close to each other with out time to work through them in my head and heart hope you all ok and as well as you can be i will keep updating as things happen all the best mark
 
madmark

madmark

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ok quick update im in for my pre opp assessment tomorrow morning to talk about whats going to happen and how im feeling this is whats happened so far i was at hospital on 15th and given medication to take so got them and started them the same day which was thursday last week all good until monday when i felt ill went to work as normal but had to come home at 2pm at which point i was getting very hot flushes and sweating like crazy then i passed out for i guess 10 mins then woke up and passed out again i guess another 10 mins woke up then was violently sick in the toilet with at 1st the food i had eaten that day then acid and blood then a lot more blood it felt like i was being kicked in the stomach i then went to lay down fell asleep was ill the rest of that night just pains all over and pains in stomach got up tuesday for work but was still way to ill hot cold hot cold and very dizzy and disorientated lost what happened monday so day off work and slept most of the day its not thursday haven't taken these meds no more since monday and i still dizzy and hot cold and still cant think straight so strange the tablets are only to lower the acid levels in my stomach but what a bad reaction i had i am meant to be on these for 6 weeks lol no chance so i will discuss this tomorrow and say what they did to me and let them know i still don't feel right then go from there the more i look at the situation the less i want to go back to the hospital it just makes me more ill may just end up saying enough is enough and im off to deal with it alone what will be will be and just carry on as normal with my normal daily battles put this lot to rest with in me i am not coping with all that has happened and this now also going on feel time out is needed hope you all having a better time than me
 
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Pollypop

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England. Derbyshire
Hi Mark, I’m sorry you have been so ill.
Do you think maybe you should have called for emergency help with
vomiting so much blood. Sorry, silly question now the time has passed.

I hope your appointment tomorrow goes well and get some answers.
Will be thinking about you, x
 
J

JCPraha

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You are going through so much turmoil. Life is so difficult! I really hope and pray that your medical condition gets better and you can finally get some peace. I am thinking of you and wishing you the best.
 
madmark

madmark

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ok so here goes i went to the assessment as planned but running up to this date the psycho with in my head had started to gain control of my state of mind as i am so low with in myself and all that has been on my mind is what has gone on over the last year and wtf now this with me i can not handle this as well so i sat and told the nurse everything with the tears falling now i never break it just doesn't seem to happen but this worry on everything else broke me i haven't eaten since monday so i was weak with in myself as well and the state of mind i was in. I do say was in if i had carried this through as arranged to go in wednesday i feel i would have lost control and a serious suicide attempt would have taken place over this bank holiday so ive done what i have to to stop my mental health getting the better of me wednesday operation has been canceled they are making me a follow up appointment to go discuss things with me and possible further tests then i left there as soon as i walked out of this appointment i went to the bereavement counseling part and got the ball rolling again for counseling i need to give it a chance to help me ive come home and it feels like i have removed a massive cloud from inside my head and total flip round of my state of mind it may not be the best move for me to stop the biopsy but my mind was getting me so if it carried on as normal i told them i may end up in here before wednesday in a body bag thats how serious this has become so stop the lot now i need a breather so at the moment this is the situation i had a lovely fat kebab last night so food is back on the menu and ime once again positive attitude push on in life and breath until new appointments come through regain my strength then try from a different angle I HAD TO LOOK AFTER MY MENTAL STATE AS I HAVE LEARNT NOBODY ELSE CAN
i hope you are all ok and well with in yourselfs and thank you all for your support it helps me focus and this site i part of my mind outlet but also mind input and i will very soon have counseling as a output and input to try help me through i haven't given up on treatment for myself just need to get my head in the correct place to be able to cope with it so its being put in place and i am already working on it all the best mark
 
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Pollypop

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England. Derbyshire
Hi Mark,
I think you did the right thing. You need to be in a better place mentally
also help you recover from the procedure.
I’m glad you are doing counselling.

The weight feeling lifted, and enjoying your kebab is brilliant news and
proves you did the right thing.

You are right.YOU HAVE TO LOOK AFTER YOUR OWN MENTAL HEALTH
ABOVE EVERYTHING.

Take Care x
 
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JCPraha

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It is difficult. I know how it goes, I also have problems eating when I am in such a bad mental states. You have so many things to deal with at the same time, so it is super difficult. I know you need to be in the right mental state to receive medical treatment. I hope you will do so. Mental health is most important. When in a bad mental state it is very difficult to care for other medical issues, that is for sure. Take care Mark, I am thinking of you and wishing the best for you. Of course, I am also fighting my own battles, it is really not easy.
 
J

JCPraha

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How are things going Mark? I haven't heard from you for a while. Keep us updated. Take Care. We miss you.
 
madmark

madmark

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thank you all sorry its been a while ime trying to sort my head out but so much going on ime due to start my bereavement counseling monday night which i will do i also got a call today saying the booked me another appointment at the hospital for this friday which ime unsure off i am trying to get my head together but helping myself is difficult it feels like self harm as i am still unwell but seem to have a serious block on going for help I AM SCARED which i don't normally get scared not so much worried about what is going to happen ot treatment ime scared of myself i am on the edge of losing control of my mental state and every hurdle is pushing me over the edge my divorce is on the go just another hurdle to deal with yesterday was my brothers birthday on the 18th sep its 1 year since he left us so many massive hurdles in front of me already which i cant stop or hold but i can hold medical help for me back but ime trying to get there friday but if i get that same block i got last time the brakes will be on it firmly like i said its not good to stop my medical help but its a case of survival here and now I CANT COPE ime running on overload ime just trying to plod on minute by minute and keep at work as i do enjoy the physical challenge and as i work with my son and 2 other good friends ime in a good place , had a lovely week end went out with the mrs our grand daughter and my oldest daughter to a adventure park for the day and i enjoyed it and its been along time since i enjoyed something to that extent but once it stops reality kicks me down again ime struggling to know what or how to get passed this emotion /feeling/pain/ and double loss of my family its hitting and hurting me so much but all i can do is what ime doing try to stay focused on life here now and hope it settles itself over time i thank you all for your lovely support for me and i so hope you are as well as you all can be at present not just for me but all of you as well we are our own soldiers fighting our own wars and the war battles on will update over the weekend with news on if i made the hospital appointment or not take care all of you stay strong
 
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JCPraha

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Try to make the appointment Mark. I know it is very difficult, but you need to. Life is certainly very difficult, but I am glad you had at least one day of relief where you enjoyed yourself. It sounds like you are in a very difficult place right now, to say the least. I am fighting my own demons, and it is not easy. Seems like a daily battle for survival, just to get through a day without totally losing my mind. Take care. Good to hear from you.
 
madmark

madmark

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ok so i made the appointment but i dont know what to do my head is just a scrambled mess i had a few doctors present this time and after a short time of talking the main doctor/surgeon said ime in no fit state of mind at present to be put forward for this operation finally somebody listened to my voice the out come of the appointment is this my thoughts was i have a virus they have corrected that and told me this is not a virus its far more serious no antibiotics will put this right straight talking i needed to be told this so we go on from there ime told i have ulcers on my voicebox which is why my voice has changed and my glans are always up and the only way to find out what it is is the biopsy which as it is a serious opp i have to be put to sleep to do it they have now put a 2/3 week hold on this and calling in the mental health people to talk to me and try to support me through this before it goes any further due to my state of mind i told him i and just getting through life after losing my brother and mother with in 4 months and a scare with my father only 2 months ago i cant cope i feel like a soldier walking round in a war zone and this being put on me is like treading on a land mine i just cant cope with it all to the point i had thoughts of hanging myself 2 weeks ago my bereavement counseling starts monday which they was aware of and told me please go to it and they will now do there upmost best to get as much support and help put my way very quickly as a code red he called it to try and support me enough to have this opp very soon and full support after it even to the point he said we may be able to just put you to sleep with gas for 5 mins to do the opp so u recover much faster this way i will be in and out a lot quicker but this is something we can discuss once the mental health support is up to date and beside me . thats the appointment . now me ime lost ive been battling through life all my life this last year has been by far the most difficult and ive pulled through now this i look at it 2 ways 1. its my time and my exit from here or. 2. its another big battle to try stay here fighting for longer i truly dont know what to do ime just going to keep going through the motions go to my counseling monday see if any other support comes my way and if i can use it to support me to think clearer or i just have to step back until my head clears abit so i can look at it with a clear conscience as at the moment its do nothing and take the way out of life if it is cancer which i think with in my self i know is wrong but i can not focus clear enough to battle forward with this situation it feels like self harm and punishment for myself has got the better of me
 
J

JCPraha

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I can understand Mark. It is super difficult to cope with. You are going through a very terrible time, and your mental state is very bad. It sounds like the worst that it has been since I have been following you. So many things you are dealing with at the same time.

I can understand that dealing with the medical issues when you are in such a terrible state of mind is really quite difficult.

I really hope and pray you can find some way to cope with this and reach a state of mind where you can also deal with your medical problem.

I know there are really no easy answers to this and that it is extremely difficult. I know because my own mental problems are so bad, and it makes dealing with the other problems of life extremely hard.

I really wish you the best, and hope you can somehow pull out of this. I am thinking of you and I am worried about you.
 
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JCPraha

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Hello Mark, just checking in with you. Letting you know I am thinking of you and hoping for the best for you. Let us know how you are. I know it is super difficult. I hope you can have the strength to get the medical treatment you need and get passed this very difficult time. Take care.
 
madmark

madmark

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uk
thank you james for your thoughts as i know u having a difficult time yourself and i so hope you finding your way through regarding me this is were i am ive been working since my mind went crazy regarding my opp trying to put it aside in my head but hey we all know with this going on it isn't going to settle latest update i started my counseling last monday it went well but hey it may help it may not but giving it ago , ive been trying to turn my mental state round as i been battling being suicidal most of my life and now i have a medical condition that may well kill me its like my mental state says yes about f""king time bring it on and my battle for suicide has gone away as this may well do the job for me . so it seems to be the problem now i go for the checks / treatment i need doing and i became super suicidal as i said and i lost control of my self and had to stop the medical help as the feeling was so strong inside my head had plans that if i didn't stop the treatment at my pre assessment on the monday the opp was meant to take place on the wednesday i had plans to kill myself tuesday so everything was put on hold to erase this state of mind i feel so weak for not winning that battle But it has kept me here so i can fight another day since then i been back to the hospital explained what happened to me also talked on the phone with the doctor the results of these is the hospital have got the mental health team on board who are calling me thursday for a telephone assessment and i also have a appointment with my doctor thursday to discuss my problems and try to find away through i am trying to find a safe route through this problem but struggling fingers crossed i can manage to settle my brain regarding just having this 1st opp to get results of what it is and what treatment needs doing then go from that hurdle my feelings are i don't want to be here anymore which i know is selfish but i don't want to leave my family and friends the suffering i going through with the loss of a loved 1 super difficult to cope and deal with
 
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JCPraha

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Hello Mark. I think I know how you feel. I have thought about suicide quite often myself. I think anyone who suffers with mental health issues for a long time has considered it. I think that if I got some kind of life threatening illness, I may just let it go until it kills me. In a way, it would be a relief. A way to get out of this world, that gives so much pain. Of course, I am not recommending that you do the same as I am thinking to do. But it a way, a terminal illness would be a relief to me. I could just give up, and let it take me away. I know it is selfish, but life is so painful most of the time.
 
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