Been a battle for 28 years with no medication

madmark

madmark

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thank you james things have been very difficult but i am still crashing my way through life and trying to deal with every issue as it rises to stop any build up i today went for my 1st counselling section today with mind which went well and another appointment in 2 weeks and i am having my assessment for bereavement counseling tomorrow at the hospital so i have managed to pull all support i can get in to action , my head is all over the place and i am feeling so angry and stressed all the time just the smallest thing which is not planned pushes me over the edge any confrontation against me makes my blood boil and the nasty person in me rise so i end up having to leave the situation until i calm down again then try to deal with it calmly i hate being like this but for now its what i am and how i am i am alive sorting my way through things and dealing with them as they arise best i can . i still aint at work yet just can not manage it along aside all what has happened i do plan to return to work soon but for now i am still looking after myself 1st then my family BEST I CAN . i hope you are all ok and as well as you can be life is not easy i fully understand this but hey i have been dealt a raw deal and ime fully aware of this so i so hope you are all in a better place than i am at present
 
J

JCPraha

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Life is not easy, that's for sure. It is easy to understand how you feel, given all that you have been through. It's good you have some family support. Take care, I am fighting my own battles as well. Good to receive a message from you.
 
madmark

madmark

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sorry to here you also having a battle james but i look at it this way every battle won is a lesson learnt and the more battles the more we learn hope u feel better with in your self soon my assessment for bereavement counseling went well now just got to wait for my appointments to start i learnt a lot regarding bereavement that it is different from normal mental health issues and i have to allow these feelings to surface were i block and control my mental health issues but to have both hit me at the same time cant seem to let 1 through with out the other so now more to have to learn and a new way to be for a while i have so many problems going on at the moment even i dont understand how ime holding myself afloat
 
R

ramboghettouk

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i applied for bereavement councilling the guy said he couldn't deal with schitzoprenia, i said isn't that a breech of the disability act, he said not if you haven't the training, rethink phoned and i got some begrudged help, at the place they had some art from a young girl who'd had her father taken away by the secret police, thought they can deal with that, off course they're grant is at risk if they turn away a immigrant child
 
madmark

madmark

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hi
ramboghettouk
nice to here from you and yes i feel they should help all that needs help regardless of other problems aside bereavement as i was told on my assessment its totally different and its good that i have mind counseling along side as that will help with my other issues and they arise and ive been warned they will and yes they have already so double to cope with and sorting help for both
 
J

JCPraha

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Hello Mark!

It's good to hear that your bereavement counseling has been helpful. To be honest, I don't' know if any kind of counseling can stop the pain and anguish you must be feeling, after all that you have been through. I still feel bad about losing most of my family members. Not many left.
I'm trying to keep things together, but it is difficult. I really need to find a way to keep working, or I will be homeless.

It is likely a problem for you as well, as you said you haven't worked for a while. But the bills and expenses keep coming. No one cares about my problems, they want their money. So it is quite difficult, at least for me. Hopefully, it is not as stressful for you, but I suspect it is not easy for you either.

Take care, and let me know how you are doing. I wish the best for you, I am sure it is extremely difficult.

- James
 
madmark

madmark

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hi james yes same for me ime self employed so no work no money so cant pay the bills or mortgage ime having to return to work on 10th june even though ime not ready thats how it is sorry to here you having difficult times i like to say what all say to me it will sort its self out but we know different if you dont keep on top of these issues they get on top of us and force us down i so hope you find your way and dont become homeless ime having normal counseling with mind at the mo and the bereavement counseling due to start as soon as they have a place but yes fully agree we have to find our own way to cope just feel i could do with support along side me at the moment ime also going through a divorce which is near the end so i to feel i will become homeless and have to sell my home to split it 50/50 but will know soon enough cant be dealing with this at the moment or i will break just managing to keep it together now focusing on my return to work next month and my dad as my sister now moved out so he is now alone he says it is what he wants so i hope he is right but ime always here and only 15 mins down the road just plod on day by day and so hope time helps heal me i have no choice ive leant that you take care james and plod along try not to worry about the things out of your control as they will happen if you worry or not so just hang in there and ride the wave all the best to everyone who is reading my posts and following me thank you all for your kind words and support it so does help and i hope he replying is also helping you a little take care stay strong
 
madmark

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ok so quick update i seem to be running on the edge of anger if that makes sense the smallest thing pushes me over the top and i get so angry for some reason had to meetings with the mind counselor then shut it down wasn't any good for me just another thing on my list to have to work around in my head . ime now back at work full time and managing to plod along but seems like the rest of my life falling behind if that makes sense work and do nothing so not getting to see my dad or children and this bothers me but i don't seem to have the energy so ime just plodding through for now and doing what i can when i can without pushing to much or i seem to go crazy in my head and get angry then need to isolate myself to calm myself down and find reality once again i dont know how to cope with the emotions ime feeling so simply dont know what to do regarding the feelings if i should do anything ime fully aware time will help but with all my other problems not sure it will but hey as they say time will tell hope u all ok and well within yourself ime still waiting for bereavement counseling to find a slot for me and yes i am happy to give it ago to see if i can learn any new ways to cope and deal with what has happened and going on with in myself but due to my mental state ime fully aware it wont change a thing my brother and my mum are both dead and thats it cant change this have to try to except it take care all of you and once again will update as things progress or fall apart which ever happens first all the best mark
 
J

JCPraha

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Hello Mark. I hope you are coping ok, given the circumstances. I am still working myself and trying to deal with many problems. It looks like I will go through a divorce soon. Another thing to make my mental state even worse. Trying to hang in there and cope. Take care. I wish you all the best.
 
madmark

madmark

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hi james sorry to here you going through all these emotions that along side our mental health issues mess us about a lot more than the normal all i can say james is like myself ime just riding the waves as i say and dealing with things on a daily basis i try my hardest to leave the on going problems out side my normal daily living and issues and only let them in my head when i have to deal with it then once again push it out and carry on with daily life i done even know myself how i am managing to do this blocking out all that is going on and happened but back at work as normal and sorting through the traumers of life bit by bit as they arise with in myself then and only then i look at the situation see if there is anything i can do or have to do to support me or my family regarding this issue if the feeling is yes i go do it if no i push it back out of my mind and carry on as normal as possible through out the day i so hope you are finding ways to cope and manage you problems best you can all the best take care of your self 1st then people around you 2nd or as needed all the best mark
 
J

JCPraha

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Yes, Mark. One day at a time. Sometimes, I have to take each hour at a time and not think about all of the problems and issues that should be dealt with. Maybe it is not a good coping mechanism, but it's the best I can do.
 
J

JCPraha

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It sounds like you are coping good. You said you are able to do your work again. So, I know it is not easy to work and keep your mind on your work. So, it is good, you are coping well.
 
madmark

madmark

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james all i can say is i use work as my main distraction and focus so its like therapy to me as long as i dont over do it and working through life minute by minute i also do this at bad times keeps me with reality as far as it being good if it works for you / me or anybody at times it has to be this way i see it as good you managing to get by the bad time i so hope you finding your way through with out to much suffering ime still plodding my way around as i say dealing day to day if possible and slowly adding normality back to my life but most of all i think of all my loved ones around me and there feelings for me so it helps me life myself for them as well as me you take it easy and take care of your self , i would also like to take this time to say hi to anybody else following my thread and wish you all well and thank you for your support over the years thank you
 
J

JCPraha

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It is really good you have some support. Many people with mental health issues lose support. I don't have much left. Same as you, people in my life have died. Not many left, in my case. I have declined and it is difficult for me to work. My mental health problems have become worse with age. My ability to deal with stress is not so good anymore. Unfortunately, life continues to have a lot of stress, as it always will. I hope your coping mechanisms are much better than mine.
 
madmark

madmark

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i took that massive od 3 years ago due to stress and not managing should have killed me but some how i woke up 2 days later and to this day cant work out how i survived it but hey what i learnt is no matter how messed up and low i become in life there is only 2 options deal with it and plod on or GIVE UP i gave up that time and pulled trough its made me realise that there is only these 2 options at the end of the road so stress out and run myself to the ground/rock bottom no i wont allow it as only place to go then is suicide and it aint worth it i just look deeper in to the situation and remember suicide is the only other option then the stress ime feeling dont seem so hard to plod through . ime not scared to end my life i know that now and with my mental issues i can easily allow it to run me to the point i will just go and commit suicide but i refuse to fall that low and it managed to help me keep a bit more control of my falling low issues i feel for you james and i dont know you in person but please listen to me when you hit rock bottom so many times like i have you learn from it and some times the only way you will learn is when you hit it , its all about picking yourself back up you can not rely on anybody else to do that for you as you are the only one who can do it i leant to do it myself as thinking other people can help me do it was wrong in my case i have to focus and control it myself no meds help i so hope you find your way through these rough low times you having and find and grab anything that gives you the slightest lift in life and use it to help you its a searching game just dont give up on yourself your better than that stay strong the strength has to come from with in you first take care
 
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J

JCPraha

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Thank you for that advice Mark. It is good advice. I keep fighting it out. Some days are terrible and very hard to cope with, others are not so bad. It is amazing you survived that overdose. I am trying to fight it out with life, as you are. I suppose death will come one day. You are right. Either fight it out or die. I have thought about suicide, as have most people who suffer from mental issues. I am hoping to avoid suicide, but life is so painful at times. As you know, it is quite difficult to cope with it at times. Thank you so much for your advice. Only another person who suffers from mental health issues can understand how it is. I know you understand. I try to keep going as well. I'm not sure what will happen. My life is quite unstable. But I try my best to keep going. Yes, in the end each person must help lift himself up. But it is really terrible when I hit bottom. Really, it is quite painful, as you must know yourself. Take care. I am glad to read your comments. You help me.
 
madmark

madmark

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hi all sorry its been so long had lots going on as i hope you can all understand been looking out for my dad as i said i will he had a heart scare and had to go to hospital for tests so i was with him for my support and love/care and the results were all good no problem found . along side that i now have problems myself which i cant talk about today to raw in my head but will try to update over the weekend on this issue . still finding it difficult with my mum and brother no longer here but managing to stay calm and focused regarding this matter ime fully aware i can not bring them back so have to focus on the good times i spent with then and erase the last few months of my mum suffering with all the pain and just a quick 1 james well done mate proude you fighting your battle i fully understand how low you fall and it takes a true fighter to get back up well done my friend may sound strange but i had to hit rock bottom many times and pull myself back i feel it was a big learning curve for me to become stronger i must go ime taking a lot on my mental health at the moment and need to focus and unwind what has happened today as i say will update very soon all of you take care and try to stay focused on reality minute by minute
 
madmark

madmark

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ok so i cant sleep again after all that has been going on all the massive battles since september just as it starts to settle another battle of my own begins ive not felt well for 2 months been docs and my glans in my throat was up as they have been for 2 months doc takes a look and tells me it needs further investigation 12 day later which was yesterday ime in hospital with cameras up my nose looking at my throat once again with the news they dont like what they see so now waiting for a appointment date next week for a assessment and ime in hospital on 28th august for a biopsy to be taken from my throat to see if its cancer now my head cant process this as ive just watched my mother pass away with cancer and now i have the alert on me and its all happening so fast which is good in 1 way as i dont get time to process it i am trying to carry on as normal for now guess its all i can do
 
L

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Mark - I'm so sorry you're going through all of this.

My mum was diagnosed with stage 4 lymphatic cancer - she had visible growths at the back of her throat. That was eight years ago - she is still clear and healthy after chemo. The C word is terrifying when it's mentioned by doctors but the outcomes are very good nowadays.

Sending you lots of love and strength and hoping your biopsy finds nothing serious.

Keep talking to us. :hug:
 
J

JCPraha

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Hello Mark. The problems seem to never end for you. I hope your medical condition turns out to be something that can be easily treated. Life is certainly quite difficult. It seems to get more difficult the older I get. It looks like it is the same for you. I wish you the best. I am fighting my own battles on a daily basis. Mental health problems, physical health problems relationship problems, work problems, it goes on and on. Does not seem to get better. Take care. I wish you the best. Good to hear from you again.
 

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