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Been a battle for 28 years with no medication

C

cherbear

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Hello lovely ! Really good to see you are managing better . You will get there hunny keep going . Love and hugs xxxx
 
madmark

madmark

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ok I thought I was doing realy well but I guess my wife dident think so we been rocky for last couple of years as people who follow me will know we been married 24 yrs and have 5 children between us all grown up and moved out with there own places and we now also have 5 grand children she has left me 3 times in the last 2 years only for short periods longest being around 6 weeks but this time I just cant handle the athmosphere between us and I told her to leave and even forced her to leave but not physical ime not violent in any way just made it clear she is leaving now and even drove her and her stuff to her mothers this all took place sunday so been on my own for 3 days I hate being alone have been going to work and keeping busy but it seems to just keep eating at me and beating me down 24 hrs aday hardly sleep and cant eat just not hungry feel sick all the time not a nice place to be in once again only this time its my fault but to be totally honest after she has left me 3 times in last 18 months I spent the last 3 months just waiting for her to leave again if that makes sense I couldent seem to get emotionaly close to her again but I do love her so much she also been having medical problems and hormone issues now been told by the docs she may be skitz and has to have meds for that and go for a brain scan at some point se was depressed and we seemed to react with each others state of mind amd drag each other down but we both love each other WELL I THINK SO we made plans and carried a few of them out together which was good but its all gone wrong once again not sure what or how this will pan out and it scares the hell out of me .hope u all having a better time than I am and thanks for taking the time to read my posts x :hug1:
 
madmark

madmark

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and I have leant a lot over the last 2 years and ime a lot stronger with in myself but not sure if I can keep on top of this 1 am doing my best x
 
madmark

madmark

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ok update set out in my mind for a suicide on sunday 25/1/2015 this was a full weeks planning, everything ready and had a list of things to complete before this took place finished my list sunday morning as planed so all good was in the zone as I call it set out everything sat there locked in my house in the dark on my own. I had had no contact with the family for 3 days also shuting down facebook ac to shut everybody out prior to this was so focused on it but 20 mins before it was time to sit and end my pain my phone bleeps and I get 4 seperat messages stating am I ok and I love you from all 3 of my kids and also a message from my wife saying she needs to talk to me so strange its as if they new to contact me at that point met up with my wife and had a chat than back to my plan but by this point all my kids and my wife was back on my mind I had managed to delete them from my head prior to these messages anyway I pushed on but then just couldent carry on felt so selfish so stoped and went to sleep scary time
 
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madmark

madmark

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my wife is not well she is back with me at this point and I am supporting her as much as possible she is now getting help counsoling and meds me I have been to the docs and refused to leave until I was seen dident take no as a awnser appointment no good doctor today and got it he refered me by emergence to easten recovery unit for more support asap so now me and my wife seeking support and also supporting each other again its all such a mess but I am being strong and progressing faward once again even with all this going on in life
 
Purple Chaos

Purple Chaos

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I know it might feel like a mess at the moment but it sounds as though you are now heading in the right direction and it's good that you're both getting help. I hope things start getting easier for you soon.

Stay strong and take care.
 
madmark

madmark

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ime thinking straight / looking to the future slowly / making small steps to unravel the mess / supporting my wife / supporting my children / and slowly pushing my barriers with going in to shops and dealing with the public / which is all a massive progress ime thinking deep before I act but not on ly thinking of me but others around me aswell all is good BUT it feels like my head is rushing like crazy inside my mind and I cant seem to stop this good and bad thoughts and images / voices not sure what they represent in my life I try not to listern or act on them but some time they are so loud and powerful I have to step back from life and listern to what they telling me , I cant work out what it is or why this happens I have managed to get my self refered back for more help and support so just waiting now for the appointment / the difference is this time I aint fighting myself faward ime just slowly pushing myself and going with the rush of emotion and nerves slowly and taking a very good look around me when it gets to the point of me not likeing the situation like ime going in to the scary part of my mind and looking for what is scaring me hope this makes some sort of sence and I hope u are all ok and well
 
madmark

madmark

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things still running ok ime still open and looking at life with wide eyes and looking all around me for reality not the things that go on in my mind x :D
 
Purple Chaos

Purple Chaos

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That's great! I know it's not easy but, with all you're contending with, it sounds as though you're doing really well. Long may it last :)

Take care.
 
madmark

madmark

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ok I have been to the doc and been referd for more councoling just waiting for the call to get appointment my mrs left me once again on Tuesday no real reason just walked as there was a slight athmophere I don't like this alone shit it does my head in and I keep becoming suicidal my mind seems to chose how and when I will take my life then I will spend the rest of the time I have left planning for this day to get there its as if my head over rules my total life this has happened twice to me in the last 3 weeks and the 1st time it was 8 days of planning but I managed to stop it just at the last minute this is so strange ime just so tied but get broken sleep all the time having nightmares again ime still trying to stay focused and open with life but realy am starting to struggle with why am I still on this planet I cant find no focus and no reason
 
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madmark

madmark

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OK MY WIFE IS BACK WITH ME ime the happiest man on the planet I love her so much x
 
Purple Chaos

Purple Chaos

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That's great news! I hope that everything is going well and that you're finding it easier to cope now.
 
madmark

madmark

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thank you purple chaos and yes things are a lot easyer ime staying positive 95% and the other 5% is being ignored I refuse to fall in to deep depression anymore I WILL AND I CAN PICK MYSELF UP as long as I manage to open and go to my wife for a cuddle I lift myself and see reality which is great my wife is also putting in 100% and she is getting help having cbt and also as ive been in this situation so long I can also advise and support her at low times , I have been fighting myself for best part of 30 years and now I have thrown in the towel and looking at the LIFE I have with wide eyes and full focus and it MAKES ME HAPPY X ime still going in shops which is getting a lot easyer which was a goal of mine so I won that I am so happy to just plod along and enjoy MY WIFE , MY CHILDREN , GRAND CHILDREN , BUT MOST OF ALL ENJOY WHAT I HAVE IN MY LIFE AND TOP OF THE LIST ENJOY ME AS ME . I have put in for more counsoling /support which once I here I will start again for advice and learning as I HAVE CHANGED MYSELF MASSIVLY hope you all ok and well and hope you all enjoy and like this latest update to this long story all the best MARK
 
madmark

madmark

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ok all ok managing well talking to the wife openly and also she talking to me more which is great helping us both understand whats going on with each other ime also feeling ill I got a head cold so this making it a little more difficult for me to focus as feeling run down due to this cold but hey muddle on I had a row with my oldest daughter but NOT GOING TO LET THIS RUN ME DOWN also got to take my dad to get his results for cancer tests on Thursday but once again I am noticing I CANT CHANGE THESES PROBLEMS so just have to go with the flow as they say my main focus is on ME / MY WIFE THEN FAMILY feels selfish but it needs to be done this way I HAVE TO PUT ME 1ST AT THE MOMENT ime going through the BIGEST changes in my life I ever had been on deaths door for last 3 years ROCK BOTTOM and ime now away from that and feeling happy with in MY LIFE so focus on ME I WILL my mind it working 90% better at the moment and ime going to take all the feelings ,emotions and good thoughts onboard my brain to make me realise me being OPEN is the best way in LIFE I have MASSIVE WILL POWER WITH IN ME AND NOW CHANNELING IT THE RIGHT WAY FOR THE 1ST TIME IN LIFE ITS WORKING WITH ME INSTED OF AGAINST ME FEELS LOVELY SO CLEAR AND SEEING SO MUCH MORE ABOUT PEOPLE AROUND ME instead of just myself ime still waiting for my appointment for more counsoling and if I don't hear by Thursday I will go down there and give them a push hope you all ok and well :D once again it would be so nice for me to see if people are following me on this site so PLEASE if you are just click like /hug /thanks just so II KNOW SOMEBODY IS READING THIS ALL THE BEST MARK
 
M

MarlieeB

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Hey Mark. I do read your updates.

Glad things are going better for you at the moment and that you saw that you needed a bit more help.

Take care.

Marliee x
 
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