Been a battle for 28 years with no medication

madmark

madmark

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thank you jcpraha my rant is over fell apart just a little ime back on track sortid bank ac today solicitors tomoz and then i think ime at the end of all the sorting i can do its then out of my hands just so tied but cant switch off i am fully aware of all that ime sorting /dealing with but feel if i dont swim in this nightmare i will sink so now at a stage ime so tied /worn out but ime also so scared to stop and relax ime frightened once i stop it will all catch up with me if that makes sense so i seem to keep running on and on but slowly slowing it down with in me ime not used to taking all this on board so its a massive learning kerb for me and i guess would be as u say a normal person with out the mental issues ime already managing its a scary time and yes i have so many loving caring family and friends around me but like i always say hey ime in this alone and have to work it out my way a case of survival i guess i will keep posting on here i so hope other sufferers can read my diary and see life can go on and you can work your way through almost any problem and situation hope everybody following me learns from this long running post thank you all for being here for so long with me its been a journey and still running well thanks mark
 
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JCPraha

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It sounds like the worst of it is finished for the time being. You have done well to handle all of this madness so well. I know you still must care for your mum, so it will still be difficult. It sounds to me like you are really a survivor. You are able to keep going under very stressful conditions, which would be very difficult for anyone. Take care, I hope somehow things will improve. James
 
madmark

madmark

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It sounds like the worst of it is finished for the time being. You have done well to handle all of this madness so well. I know you still must care for your mum, so it will still be difficult. It sounds to me like you are really a survivor. You are able to keep going under very stressful conditions, which would be very difficult for anyone. Take care, I hope somehow things will improve. James
thank you so much James for your support managed to sort solicitors out today so now in there hands done all i can without there help also went over and done some changes and repairs at the house for my mum/dad so all in all a good day but i feel so lost not mentaly ill or depressed just numb its a strange feeling also carrying alot of anger with in me for some reason and not sure what or were to turn to help with this feeling ime in work again tomoz but thats a struggle in its self to try to keep myself going so if that is happerning i know these feelings are something to worry about as my work also became my medication helping me keep going /focused if that makes sense but it also seems to have become a battle to work with no help to me just more stress adding to me ime so tied but so much alive in side me i cant slow it down or rest and just cant seem to think straight for long just wonder off in my mind i am feeling still in control though just not sure what or were this strange feeling is trying or going to take me feels like a new journey with in me its out of my comfort zone now and has been for about a week in wave like feelings
 
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JCPraha

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It is only natural that you would have trouble focusing and have some problems working. You have gone through a huge amount of stress. I think almost anyone would have difficulty coping with it. The anger is also understandable, but you need to let go of it. Staying angry will make you bitter and really have a bad effect upon your mental state. Maybe this will help, this is what they say in AA meetings. I think it is quite useful:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

The things you cannot change, you must accept, and let go of the anger. It will destroy you over time.
 
madmark

madmark

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ok so today i see a video of me and my brother on our motor bikes it cut my mind deep i am so angery its boiling in me and ime also dreaming old memorys so my sleep is all over the place ive not felt like this before its hurt upset and major anger dont know what i should do to help it pass
 
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JCPraha

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ok so today i see a video of me and my brother on our motor bikes it cut my mind deep i am so angery its boiling in me and ime also dreaming old memorys so my sleep is all over the place ive not felt like this before its hurt upset and major anger dont know what i should do to help it pass
Be happy for the good times you had with your brother. For the time your were fortunate enough to have him. Let go of the anger. It doesn't harm anyone but yourself and it won't do your brother or anyone else any good. I know it is easy for me to say. But you must. For your own peace of mind.
 
madmark

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hi this is bev marks girlfriend ive told him id like to post on here and he said its ok so here goes.....
ive read this post from start to finish a few times and im amazed that marks come through and coped with some of the situations hes been in throughout his life, hes a very complex man but also a very loving and caring one too, he is always helping others and i know a lot of it is to keep himself busy but he could go the other way but he doesnt.
i am so incredibly proud of the way hes dealing with his bothers death and his mums diagnosis im not sure how i expected him to be but hes been nothing but strong even though hes dying inside.
we talk like all the time he will tell you i can and do talk for england lol but i believe in talking about how you feel and not bottling things up and i feel that works a bit for mark he may say otherwise we will see lol but keep going hun you are doing so well xx
 
TiredTina

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Thank you so much for posting this Bev.

Mark is a well respected member of this forum, that comes across in the replies he gets to his posts. He’s clearly going through the most difficult time at the moment and it’s good that he has you to support him.

I wish him and you all the best for the future.

TT
Forum Staff
 
madmark

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well ok nice to have the mrs post a comment on here and yes full of support for me love u bev thank you and the funeral is all set in place and paid tuesday is the day still not sure if ime strong enough to go just yet keeping that 1 open at the moment as everytime it enters my mind i feel angry my parents coping best they can and i am trying my best to help them through this bad time i still feel ive been running about so much sorting bits out i havent fully excepted my brother has passed away its a truely strange feeling but yes i know time will sort this feeling out ime running at low energy levels now and not sleeping very well which is having its effect on me also had a cold and cough for about a month so this doing my head in lol guess ime just trying to run along with the emotions as they hit and except all that has and is going on in life not sure ive ever had so much negitive in 1 go with in me and having no way to fix it is the difficult part to cope with ive lost my brother but hey he was also my best friend now when i go to my mums i feel a little lost as he isent there anyway i hope you are all ok and doing as well as you can at this moment thank you all for your lovely comments and support this means a lot to me i all way try to put my heart and soul on the table on this thread and just lay the cards on the page as they are which i find very difficult to do in the open world with people thank you all for following me through my journy over the years
 
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JCPraha

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It is all extremely difficult to cope with. It's fortunate that Bev supports you so well. You have done very well considering how difficult the situation is. I really hope you will be able to get some rest because all of the stress has a bad effect upon your own health and well-being. No one can say anything that will make things easy for you, it is not possible. Take care of yourself in this very difficult time in your life.
 
madmark

madmark

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my biggest battle at the moment is the funeral still not sure i will be able to make it there and go through it ime so scared what it is going to do to me seeing it all in front of me and yes this may sound very selfish of me but ime thinking of the aftermath on me yet i know i should go and support my mum /dad i just cant even think about it as it turns my stomach and makes me angry for some reason ime all prepared to go clothes ready plan in my head ready i decided not to ride in the limo but follow behind in my car that way i wont feel trapped in the situation i have control of my direction if that makes sense its tuesday and my head been going crazy for last week already
 
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JCPraha

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I can understand how the funeral will be a very difficult experience, to say the least. In the long run, I think you will feel better if you go. You will feel guilty for many years if you do not. It will be very painful, but I think you must go and the rest of your family can use your support. Take care.
 
madmark

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ok thank you jcp your right ime so glad i went i dident go in the limo me and the mrs made our own way there in my car this way i had control of my actions waited outside then followed the the funeral cars in the service was lovely and a big turn out of people also alot of my friends there who i havent seen for many years i helped my mum in and out of the car and at the end i stayed and thanked everybody as they left as my parents wasent up to it and ime so glad i did go for my mum and dad but also for myself and my brother i still dont think it has sunk in 100% that my brother has gone for good i keep thinking i pop over and see him or i ask paul if he wants this or that but i guess its just a matter of time before it truely registers in my head hope you are all ok and as well as you can be stay strong and keep winning your battles x
 
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Well done for going. I am so glad you did.
It was a brilliant idea to go in your own car. It covered
all aspects of going and leaving.

It’s wonderful you managed to thank everyone and
also take care of your parents needs.

I know everyone will have appreciated what you have done.
Stay strong.
Pollypop x

Also love to Bev for being by your side. X
 
madmark

madmark

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Well done for going. I am so glad you did.
It was a brilliant idea to go in your own car. It covered
all aspects of going and leaving.

It’s wonderful you managed to thank everyone and
also take care of your parents needs.

I know everyone will have appreciated what you have done.
Stay strong.
Pollypop x

Also love to Bev for being by your side. X
thank you pollypop for the lovely comments and support and yes bev was by my side all the time x
 
J

JCPraha

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That's great. I knew you would feel better if you went to the funeral. I know the grieving process is quite difficult. I know from personal experience. Take care.
 
madmark

madmark

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ok so here we go this is so difficult as i said my mum has cancer and 2 days after my brothers death was told cant be treated on sat morning she was rushed in to hospital so i got the call and went in she couldent breath the cancer has spread in the last 6 days and is crushing the wind pipe and cutting off the air supply once again can not be treated can do a tracostomy which may give her a week or two my mum refused so was told expect the worse with in 24 hrs so we was moved to a side room and all pain managment given i sat there all day and all night with her like just waiting for her to sufficate how evil but she got through the night some how and the next day and the next and is now up talking once again but have been told nothing has changed the tuma has shrank due to the steroides and opened the airway a bit my head is such a mess i can not process what has happend and its still the waiting watching game ime so hurt and angery but of course she or my dad dont see this they now trying with all recorses to get her back home to die palitive care or something ever minute is critical and has been for 4 days now just dont know what to do or say just cant think ime there as much as possible with her but i have to take time out as my brain can not cope with this still trying to deal with my brother dieing so quick and still trying to sort out all the paperwork regarding that
 
madmark

madmark

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ok so now they have offered to put a stent in to my mums wind pipe to help her breath once again which she has to decide tonight and opp take place tomorrow if she wishes will help her breath untill she passes away but still now only saying she will have a couple of weeks not sure what she is going to do regarding this and they also trying to get her home straight away all going way to fast for me to keep up now only this after noon i was out sorting more of my brothers paperwork out then went to see my mum who was in pain earlier so she was a sleep after heavy medication so couldent talk to her i couldent even stay there spoke to my dad who was there for 15 mins my brain went blank felt ill and just had to leave and at this present time my phone is off and i need time out or i am going to crack up big time and i know u all be thinking its not about me its about my mum yes i know been about her for the last 15 weeks then my brother dies so ive had to step in and sort that out aswell now this with my mum i cant cope right now my dad and doctors in control and mcmillan now on board to help
 
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