Been a battle for 28 years with no medication

nomadic

nomadic

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 30, 2011
Messages
183
Location
Ayrshire
#41
still cant shake this bad feeling within myself scares me why does it keep happening for no real reason ?
Hey madmark....you said you suffer from manic depression...yeah!

I think you might be feeling 'bad' due to the symptoms associated with the manic depression....

I have been on a variety of medications over the years...

I take medication every day.

The medication helps to control some of my symptoms....some of the time...not all of the symptoms all of the time......

Best wishes
 
madmark

madmark

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 25, 2011
Messages
986
Location
uk
#42
hi nomadic i aint on no meds i have got some but dont bother taking them as they dont work just make me worse i keep telling the doctors that anti depressents dont work on me and actualy make my symptoms worse but hey they dont listern and just keep giving me pils saying they will make me better why dont they listern to what you tell them hope you ok and feeling well i am waiting for a appointment to go for a assessment as over the last 6 yrs my symptoms have drasticely changed the depressed state is more regular and last for twice as long now and i dont think i ever realy recover back to my normal state of mind before i sink in to a nother depressive state some times they can last for weeks with me having no feeling no emotions seeing no future and very suicidal wanting to end this battle once and for all but some how i manage to stay focused just enougth untill i pick up abit :cry2:
 
Last edited:
nomadic

nomadic

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 30, 2011
Messages
183
Location
Ayrshire
#43
Sometimes ave had to take and anti-depressant for 4 weeks....sometimes...up to 12 weeks....

When my Dr sees that after months on anti-depressants....not much improvement...

Dr then suggests that I take a "mood stabilisers" to BOOST the effects of the anti-depressant....

After battle, struggle, patience, and co-operation....my mood did improve...

I had eighteen years on ma own before medication....

Been ten on medication....

Do not under estimate the severity of your illness my friend....

not only the impact on you but as you have said yourself the impact that it has on your family.....

I hope you get the relief from the symptoms of this illness soon.
 
madmark

madmark

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 25, 2011
Messages
986
Location
uk
#44
like i say i got myself booked for a appointment for a new assesment as i havent been assessed in 20 years and my simptoms have drasticaly changed for the worse so once that is done i will know what is exacly wrong with me just wish they would hurry up been waiting over 2 months now and things are bad with me only just managing to keep control of myself and not do nothing stupid as i feel so low and cant see no point in life been like it for about 5 months now and it is wearing me down realy bad
 
madmark

madmark

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 25, 2011
Messages
986
Location
uk
#46
ime feeling ok again now so i am trying to work out if there is any sort of pattern to my illness dont think there is as it can rapidly change oh i wish i was normal i hate feeling down 80% of my life
 
lost!

lost!

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 31, 2011
Messages
127
#47
if there is any kind of pattern to mine i have noticed more often than not lately i have 2 good 2 bad and 3 trying to pick up the pieces and apologise! for the complete mess i have made of things meds not changed my thoughts or feelings just slightly towards my appearance due to me sleeping but nothing to make me feel something other than the feeling that i am some how always getting things wrong no matter how hard i try i always fail like i'm just not enough and then thats it i'm gone a wreck blank on the outside and just silently crying on the inside hurting but just cant say it,would be easier just to let some one know how your feeling just by a touch my life is such a mess the blank exterior gives the false impression of not caring almost to the point that my partner always thinks i am angry i just dont know how to explain all this to him so that he can understand and he is understandably angry with me right now and is trying to support me still.He just will not give up he doesn't listen when i tell him i am a lost cause what do i do?Lost!
 
madmark

madmark

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 25, 2011
Messages
986
Location
uk
#48
hi lost thats well said i am exacly the same at the mo i have had to shut myself down to protect myself from exploding and doing something silly 1000 things rushing around in my head and i cant make sence of it all my mrs is blaming herself again no matter how many times i tell her i cant help whats going on blank exterior and hurting like mad inside but not being able or should i say scared to reach out for help i hate draging people down with me and blame myself which then makes me worse its a vicsuse circle i am at the point were i am ready to through the towel in and give up on life i having alot more downs than up now and realy struggling inside myselt to find a way back to some sort of normallaty i keep trying and put on a happy face and involve myself with my family but just cant keep doing it it rips me apart in side after a couple of days and then once again shut down i hate this feeling feel so isolated and alone in a very nasty place within myself and there is nothing no one can do to help me it scares me as the only way i can see faward is to end my life to break the circle i am stuck in but also see that as hurting my family so i cant win but how much more punishment my body and mine will take i aint sure
 
lost!

lost!

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 31, 2011
Messages
127
#49
Hi mark,Yet again I could have written that myself!here is the scariest thing you are not the only one and neither am I there is 2 of us! exact same thought patterns temperaments everything it is always like reading my own thoughts as i am sure you will have noticed from reading my random babblings my train of thought is most irregular and mood snaps in an instant i have no idea what triggers me I know I can not stand untidiness it makes my head hurt and confuses me same as if things get moved in the shops and frightens me to the point i feel the urge to hide somewhere dark and quiet (god help me got to go christmas shopping for 5 kiddies this week plus family) I struggle with every day thing and if there is too much noise even when i am doing the simplist of tasks i get it wrong and the swings and round-a-bouts start again a never ending roller coaster of pure turmoil and hell it isn't very often sun shinning at this fun fair think i got stuck on the biggest scariest ghost train roller coaster that the human brain could ever manage to mis function!!!!
 
madmark

madmark

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 25, 2011
Messages
986
Location
uk
#50
it is so strange how our thoughts and symptoms seem so alike even down to our thoughts very strange like i say though i only started feeling this bad 3/4 months ago i had normal depression for 28 years and learnt to cope with it but i got some nasty news regarding my wife that seemed to do something to me it seemed like my head burst and this is the end result out of controle again and i just cant regain controle of myself i was hurt so much it realy has messed me up i went and started to gas myself in my car with a hose pipe from the exhaust but managed to pull out of it before i went unconthuse now i some times wish i had stayed there and finished the job properly ime still with my wife been married 19 yrs and 3 kids all grown up now youngest 17yrs old she is the only 1 left with us other 2 moved out and got kids of there own and my youngest is pregnant due around may so got lots of grandchildren lol love my kids so much i think that is why i couldent end it all but i do think once my daughter moves out that will be the end of my marrage i do love my wife but feel i need to set her free so she can have some sort of life as i am so messed up and cant seem to move faward i am still waiting for a assessment that i requested as my simptoms drasticaly have changed
 
madmark

madmark

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 25, 2011
Messages
986
Location
uk
#51
is anyone else reading this post who wants to coment or talk ?
 
madmark

madmark

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 25, 2011
Messages
986
Location
uk
#52
why when i love my wife and children so much do i feel its best if we split up and go our seperate ways it seems like all i do is make disissions to rip my own life apart and wont listern to what anybody else wants to happen in life i have been a mess for so long now i dont know what i realy want in life i keep haveing so many different emotions 1 minute happy and content then sad and want to push everyone away from me but i want it as i think i draging them down in life and they would have a lot better life without me in it so hard for me to work out what is going on in my mind and to try to explain it to my wife and children no chance its such a jumbled mess but cant get it out of my head they would be happyer with out me and have a better life my wife has stuck with me for 22 years of this mess why should i suddenly feel this way after so long i realy cant work it out it hurts me like hell to think i holding them back in enjoying there lifes to the full but inside its killing me pushing them away but i cant seem to stop doing it so nasty to feel the hurt and pain i suffering in side keep feeling like just going and ending what life i have left to stop all the hurt i feel i cant find no awnswers to nothing and like i say had this problem for 28 yrs cant keep fighting it and loseing the battle i have lost all hope in ever being and feeling happy just sad feelings and negitive thoughts all the time medication doesent work on me just makes me worse so what else can i do to change what is happening to me apart from ending my life to stop it once and for all i am so tiered all the time just go to work then get home and fall asleep no energy left for nothing
 
Last edited:
lost!

lost!

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 31, 2011
Messages
127
#53
Mark you have to remember that no matter how you feel you have always and will always remain a very large and loved part of your families life no matter how down you get and how hard you push they are always waiting there for you when your mind returns you know what i am saying is right you tell me often enough! why not try to plan a surprise family get together over christmas never know bit of fesvive magic and a romantic glass in the still of the night with just you your wife and the snow may help remind you why we fight this because our loved ones are worth it they believe in us even threw the darkest of days with or without understanding or knowledge of what is the cause and more often than not wondering if it is their fault but yet past the dark and the grey you know that your wife is with you anxiously waiting for that little glint that tiniest of shimmer in your eye that lets her know that you are still there just temporarily unable to communicate that one little ray of light tells her that you love her and to her will be all she needs to help her be there to support you.xx please keep strong we seem to both be hitting our 2 down again.
 
madmark

madmark

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 25, 2011
Messages
986
Location
uk
#54
what a coment lost its so wierd how you can reply to me with a post like this but same as me you cant see this in your own mind its so nice what you put its made me cry x
Mark you have to remember that no matter how you feel you have always and will always remain a very large and loved part of your families life no matter how down you get and how hard you push they are always waiting there for you when your mind returns you know what i am saying is right you tell me often enough! why not try to plan a surprise family get together over christmas never know bit of fesvive magic and a romantic glass in the still of the night with just you your wife and the snow may help remind you why we fight this because our loved ones are worth it they believe in us even threw the darkest of days with or without understanding or knowledge of what is the cause and more often than not wondering if it is their fault but yet past the dark and the grey you know that your wife is with you anxiously waiting for that little glint that tiniest of shimmer in your eye that lets her know that you are still there just temporarily unable to communicate that one little ray of light tells her that you love her and to her will be all she needs to help her be there to support you.xx please keep strong we seem to both be hitting our 2 down again.
 
P

peggyann

New member
Joined
Dec 6, 2011
Messages
3
#55
Im44 n hv suffered since a tot, i dont have benefits, n hv gone with the grace of god, to help me, i dont want to know i need a pill daily to help me, i dont like mind altering drugs, am i wrong?
 
madmark

madmark

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 25, 2011
Messages
986
Location
uk
#56
i dont like pills atall and i dont get any benifit from taking them as they dont work on me but i would take them if they made me feel better i got a call regarding my assessment yyyeeepppppeeeee its on the go for the 6th jan atleast its a seep faward for me cant wait such a relife to know they are willing to try to help me
 
madmark

madmark

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 25, 2011
Messages
986
Location
uk
#57
hi and hope u are ok nice to here from someone new no i dont think you are wrong atall we all have our own minds and our own problems in life so we deal with them in our own way
Im44 n hv suffered since a tot, i dont have benefits, n hv gone with the grace of god, to help me, i dont want to know i need a pill daily to help me, i dont like mind altering drugs, am i wrong?
 
madmark

madmark

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 25, 2011
Messages
986
Location
uk
#58
well here i go again feeling separated from real life just feel as if i want to shut myself away from the world but once i do i want help to get back realy cant work out why i get this feeling its like a self defence built in to my mind as soon as i take so much in it shuts off to sort them out then take things in again doing my head in now why cant i just be normal when i have a important thing to say to someone on my mind why cant i just tell them instead if putting up my wall and doing/saying the total oppersit and rip myself apart inside again then shut off for a few days and watch my life fall apart around me and do or say nothing
 
lost!

lost!

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 31, 2011
Messages
127
#59
I didn't mean to make you cry just try to help you see the woods rather than just the trees as you have done for me on numerous (these are big words for me lol)occassions.Chin up santa be here soon just think grandad thats cheery smiles and snow dust for you got to keep the magic alive and what better way than letting the little ones think santa has really been and put a stocking of treats on the end of their bed the best bit of christmas i think when i was little looking for the tangerine and the wined up toy fantastic :)
what a coment lost its so wierd how you can reply to me with a post like this but same as me you cant see this in your own mind its so nice what you put its made me cry x
 
madmark

madmark

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 25, 2011
Messages
986
Location
uk
#60
yes you made me see the woods as you call it sat and took a good look at my life and relised what i have got and how great my family and friends are ime so lucky to be were i am i am just sick of feeling so down in my self and realy do want to feel happyness again trying so hard to stay focused on good things in life and look faward to time off work over xmas and time with my family ime now starting to look faward to it and then go for counsoling in the new year and my asessment hope it sheds some light on what the hell is going on in my mind stay happy and focused
 

Similar threads