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Been a battle for 28 years with no medication

madmark

madmark

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what i have noticed just over the last 2 months is i get depressed mixed up nasty things going through my mind and shut myself down not talking to people so a i can deal with the issues in my head as soon as i sort it and get over them i am good for a few days then off i go again with different issues as if the goal posts keep moveing i try so hard to stay focused and involve myself in doing things but just cant seem to stay focused i had bad depression when i was a teenager but won the battle when i was about 25 was ok then all the way to the age of 38 yrs old then it slowly creeped back in to my life with the big bang being 3 months ago were i totaly lost the plot now i cant seem to get back to normal as i call it i am now 43 yrs old it seems as if its alot worse now than it has ever been in my life its as if i have 2 minds mine and the illness fighting me constant battle to keep focused on my life every possitive i think of i get 2 negitives pop up straight away was on the verge of leaving my wife and children the other day to stop there suffering as when i get down they go through it with me and cant get it out of my head that i cant stop my feeling but i can stop there suffering by getting away from them i feel so responcable for making everyone around me feel down it realy does hurt me
 
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madmark

madmark

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well i still waiting for this frigging appointment for my assessment doing my head in now just want it over and done to find out what they think
 
nomadic

nomadic

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Hey Madmark,

I sometimes wrote things down so I could take it to doctors...

just feelings and thoughts...

i felt it helped take the pressure off me a bit...

the waiting is never easy....
 
madmark

madmark

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yes could be a good idear but the only thing is my list would be as long as my arm as they say my mood and thoughts change by the hour but hey good idear hope you ok and well
 
nomadic

nomadic

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hey you........ am fine....... thanks for asking...

write that down....."my mood and thoughts change by the hour"....

keep a note pad with you....jot it down...when the notion takes you....
 
TiredTina

TiredTina

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Hi madmark,

Living with depression is extremely hard as I know from experience. It is a constant battle which is absolutely exhausting as it takes all your energy to keep up the fight.

I picked up on the bit you wrote about thinking of leaving your wife and children. I can see what you mean about your illness affecting them as well but what you have to keep in mind is the affect your leaving would have which Im sure would be considerably worse.

I see you are waiting for an appointment and hopefully when that finally happens they will be able to offer you the support you need.

I see that this thread is called 'been a battle for 28 years with no medication'. Im sorry I havent had time to read from the beginning so dont know the full story. I dont know whether the no meds situation is because you havent been prescribed them or you choose not to take them. I will try and read your whole story so that I have a better picture.

If you havent done so already would you consider starting your own journal on here where you can keep a log of how you are doing?

Tina
 
nomadic

nomadic

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Hey madmark....

I agree with tina.....whilst under the depression......I found it so very difficult to work out my symptoms.....

In my case...very poor concentration....very down thoughts all the time.... etc...

my illness was untreated for many years....

Will someone be going with you to your forth coming appointment.....?

Have you the support of your 'family' in your efforts with mental health...?

You have support from this forum x
 
madmark

madmark

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thank you both and yes i have had meds and lots of them and was on them only 1 month agao again but they realy dont work just make me lose what little control i do have so i choose not to stay on them and yes before any of you say it i have given it a good go just my mind is so strong after suffering so long it over power the meds and yes 100% agree with you both its a massive battle to keep control and i do go within myself and shut down to protect myself some times for days even weeks with no feeling and no emotions scares me so much but i do regain control and bounce back had a real bad run 2/3 months ago got some bad news and it pushed me right over the edge which is why i asked for help tryed to take my life 2 times but managed to stop myself at the last minute but yes totaly lost myself for around 1 month but yes here i am still fighting but i am running out of energy and my lows are lasting longer and longer and i am slowly giving up as if my batteries are now flat i do have support but feel i need to do it on my own for myself i am 43 and had this illness since i was 16yrs old i dont look faward no more as the future scares me and i defenatly try not to look back this site is great i was on time to change site and done 2 months diary for the doc but they closed the site and it s been deleted such a shame as it was when i was at my lowest thank you all for your support it realy does help me dont know how but it seems to take away some of the suffering just by posting on the site for other peoples views and like i always say to people only people who suffer the illness will understand me so thank you and stay happy and be strong
 
madmark

madmark

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here i go again no emotions no feeling and shut myself down
 
madmark

madmark

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still cant shake this bad feeling within myself scares me why does it keep happening for no real reason ?
 
nomadic

nomadic

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still cant shake this bad feeling within myself scares me why does it keep happening for no real reason ?
Hey madmark....you said you suffer from manic depression...yeah!

I think you might be feeling 'bad' due to the symptoms associated with the manic depression....

I have been on a variety of medications over the years...

I take medication every day.

The medication helps to control some of my symptoms....some of the time...not all of the symptoms all of the time......

Best wishes
 
madmark

madmark

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hi nomadic i aint on no meds i have got some but dont bother taking them as they dont work just make me worse i keep telling the doctors that anti depressents dont work on me and actualy make my symptoms worse but hey they dont listern and just keep giving me pils saying they will make me better why dont they listern to what you tell them hope you ok and feeling well i am waiting for a appointment to go for a assessment as over the last 6 yrs my symptoms have drasticely changed the depressed state is more regular and last for twice as long now and i dont think i ever realy recover back to my normal state of mind before i sink in to a nother depressive state some times they can last for weeks with me having no feeling no emotions seeing no future and very suicidal wanting to end this battle once and for all but some how i manage to stay focused just enougth untill i pick up abit :cry2:
 
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nomadic

nomadic

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Sometimes ave had to take and anti-depressant for 4 weeks....sometimes...up to 12 weeks....

When my Dr sees that after months on anti-depressants....not much improvement...

Dr then suggests that I take a "mood stabilisers" to BOOST the effects of the anti-depressant....

After battle, struggle, patience, and co-operation....my mood did improve...

I had eighteen years on ma own before medication....

Been ten on medication....

Do not under estimate the severity of your illness my friend....

not only the impact on you but as you have said yourself the impact that it has on your family.....

I hope you get the relief from the symptoms of this illness soon.
 
madmark

madmark

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like i say i got myself booked for a appointment for a new assesment as i havent been assessed in 20 years and my simptoms have drasticaly changed for the worse so once that is done i will know what is exacly wrong with me just wish they would hurry up been waiting over 2 months now and things are bad with me only just managing to keep control of myself and not do nothing stupid as i feel so low and cant see no point in life been like it for about 5 months now and it is wearing me down realy bad
 
lost!

lost!

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thats a really good idea:)
 
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