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Been a battle for 28 years with no medication

madmark

madmark

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hello to you all i am new to the site i have had manic depression for 28 yrs and tryed loads of different tablets but they only make me worse so no meds for me but what a battle it is i can change my mood in a matter of minutes with no control and my hole family suffer with me when i am depressed i shut myself off no emotion and cant be bothered to do anything i realy hate having this illness but aint got a choice
 
madmark

madmark

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its been a massive battle for me and my family i have 5 children which have all grown up now and starting there own familys but they seen the good and bad with me i am a loving careing person and always do my best for my family but when i get depressed i go in to my own world no emotions no responce and shut myself away from everyone i have had this problem since i was a teenager and when i do shut down it can sometime last for days even weeks luckly for me my family know my problems and support me and know deep down its not me and the real me will be back soon its like living 2 lives with no control over them so scary for all around you and ofcourse yourself as the thoughts and feelings i get when depressed realy are not nice
 
calypso

calypso

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Hey Mark

You say you change moods in the twinkling of an eye, and I would argue that is very rare in bipolar. Have you been formally diagnosed? I am interested that meds don't work at all. Sometimes this is indicative, not of bipolar, but of borderline personality disorder. You could look this up on the site on here. I am NOT diagnosing you, I cannot do that, of course, but the sudden swinging up and down as you feel is much more common in borderline. There is treatment for borderline, a specific therapy called DBT (not CBT). I know very little about it, but others know a lot.

It may be an idea to check with your psychiatrist whether you have borderline, or that maybe they could look again at your symptoms. All of this is just a thought, and meds do not work on people with this disorder. There is hope honey. xx
 
madmark

madmark

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thank you for your reply no i dont have bipolar many years ago i was told i was suffering from cronic depression this was when not alot was known regarding depression in the late 80s but the doctor who i see 2 months ago called it manic depression when i say chancge in minutes its not that 1 minute im happy then the niex sad its mainly just my thoughts i cant control them i always try to think possitive but i could be having a realy good day and suddenly my thoughts take over and twist my head about and make things bad to be honest i have seen so many doctors and psychiatrists over the years i gave up and started to just deal with my battle on my own had a realy bad turn 2 months ago and went to gas myself in my car had it all planed out got the pipe found the place and started to do it but managed to click out of it before it was to late i took this as a warning sign that i was out of control again so went to the doctors again was given more tablets and to be honest all the tablets do to me is make me feel stoned and i then lose my thoughts and feelings which i realy hate my thoughts get even lower and i realy do get low so stop taking them had 2 different types of tablets last month but both had the same affect on me when i tell the doc that he says i have to take them but i cant i get that low and very suicidle i cant lose the few possitive thoughts i cling to to keep me here or else i will end it all i have spent so long in this state i leant 90% control but still go overboard from time to time was ment to have councoling but they havent made me a appointment also told me i can only have 6 hours free then i will have to pay for it what a jokeso i guess i am on my own to deal with it again i do have my wife and family to support me but hate them seeing what it does to me as i push them away when i am bad and shut myself down cant stop it they learnt what happens to me aswell so they do know i cant help it but it hurts me so much to put them through it with me people dont seem to realise it affects all the people around you aswell i do work but some times it is so hard to stay focused all i think now after so long in this battle is that ime now 43yrs old so my life is running away and i getting older so i will pass away soon anyway sounds realy bad but thats what it has done to me just wish i could stop the pain for not only me but my complete family i used to deal with it on my own untill the last epesode 2 months ago then i opened up to my wife and started telling her my thoughts and righting them down on the time to change site letting her read my posts every day so she could see what is happening to me but i got the impression it was all to much for her as she got run down and kept crying so now i stoped and pulled back with telling her things for her own protection but there you go just a part of my life for you to look at i hope you are ok and well and once again thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me here is a link to the month i was on time to change go take a read then you will see more about how it affects my life http://www.facebook.com/#!/topic.php?uid=29813531299&topic=19270
 
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maxitab

maxitab

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Hi madmark. Twenty eitght years ago doctors were not very refined in their ability to diagnose, and to be honest, I would agree with mayfair, that this sounds much more like BPD to me than just about anything else. Have you looked at the criteria/symptoms. Many of us who have BPD do not respond to medication, but there are now a few very effective treatment ( not meds) options.
If this were me I would go to my GP and ask for a proper assessment with a clinical psychologist and put down the manic depression label, since it is not, IMO true for you.
Once you have a better idea of what is going on you will be able to access help. It is out there, why go on suffering?
 
madmark

madmark

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i gave up asking for help 26 yrs ago as doctors were no good then and went and asked for help 3 times last month and no change all they do is give me pills that dont work and make me worse and a number for councoling which i phone spend 30 mins on the phone explaining what happens to me and they say they will contact me with a appointment but dont whats the point it just depresses me more and winds me up so give upcarry on as i am it realy isent nice but it has became my life thank you for replying its great to get a responce its very suportive for me another problem i dident mention is i dont like meeting people i hate going in to shops or crowded places i go all hot and sweat if i have to confront anybody so due to this i realy dont do much i do work but its so hard due to this problem i have what they say became a loner over the years lost most of my friends as i wouldent go out just wanted to be on my own all the time its so hard just to go to the local shop
 
maxitab

maxitab

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HI again mark. I am supposing the isolation is due to anxiety, it sounds like it.
First, I do need to ask, do you want things to be different? Because anxiety is a symptom of something that is going on that is not being addressed. Also, are you in the UK because being given a phone number for counselling does not sound like the UK....
There is a service called IAPT which your GP can refer you to - is this it? If you are getting no result then you need to insist! Phone again and say you want to speak to the manager of the service and explain that you never get the promised appointment and ask who you can make a complaint with. It is amazing how people respond when you get a little pushy!
In addition, there is some good help on line for anxiety, however, it is no good looking at it and thinkint 'that won't work for me' you have to be prepared to suspend your judgement and actually do it. If you want to try it, www.anxietycoach.com
Good luck. Don't suffer in silence.
 
madmark

madmark

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yes i am in the uk and the doctor gave me the number to call for a appointment which i did cant remember who it was with as i thrown the card away as they p*ssed me off saying i can only have 6 hrs then will have to pay for it think it was wellbeing service /mind its a joke realy does get me down and i do try my hardest to stay possitive but cant keep there just sink again i do have some good days well what i call good days but also have realy bad days / weeks and yes anxiety you hit the nail on the head its as if ime scared to go places so rather just stay in or go to places i already know i do want change have done for years but when i was younger 25 yrs ago had all sorts of pills and see a shrink for a year realy dident do me any good so was sent on my way as like i say a lost corse so had to learn my self to deal with my problems which i did quite well untoll say the last year were i am starting to lose control again think i got to the stage were i had enougth and realy cant be bothered fighting it now so i do lose my battle from time to time thank you so much for talking to me hope you are fine and well in yourself did you read my 1 months diary on time to change site of how my life goes i feel so useless and realy do think i would be better of gone from the people i love as i only seem to hurt and disapoint them due to my problems it drags everyone around me down realy aint good
 
madmark

madmark

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i am off the rails again as they say nasty things going round and round in my head and in my dreams realy gets me down if i could get much lower keep thinking of going to end it all once and for good sick of my life but love my children so much dont want to hurt them and i know if i end my life it will hurt them so cant win
 
maxitab

maxitab

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Mark, did you look at any of the link I posted?
What did you think of the suggestion that this may well be untreated BPD? I don't want to be or appear to be unsympathetic, but if it is BPD then I do feel you need to give the new more modern and aware Mental Health Service a second chance ( because you will be giving yourself a second chance along the way).
Just because they failed you in the past is not a reason for staying angry at them. If you always do what you have always done - you will always get what you have always got. Try something new. Get on the website, and go and ask your GP for a proper assessment.
 
madmark

madmark

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yes maxitab have checked out your link thank you it has made me understand sort of and what i did learn which i dident know is that thyroid malfunction can cause this problem like i posted i started to suffer from depression badly in the late 80s but managed to gain control of it up to about a yr ago then started to suffer realy bad again and yes seeked help from gp as i couldent work out what was wrong with me and why i lost control after so long had tests and found thyroid malfunction so i am on treatment for this with regular blood checks but still cant gain control of my depression have seen the doctor 3 times in the last 3 months regarding these problems but just pills that dont work i am fighting it hard myself and when i do get down i do look at possitives in life and talk to people regarding my problems but realy does take a couple of days batteling with myself before i can do this i have to pick myself up to a strong enougth state before i open up to anyone but normaly by that time i have so much going through my head its hard to explain what realy went on its just a jumbled mess in my mind i got the letter today funny enougth regarding 6 hrs of free counselling with iapt team i was refered to them by the wpct wellbeing service as they said my situation was to bad for them to treat me so now got to deside wether i think 6 hrs can sort out 28 yrs of my suffering so how i dont think so and i can not afford £50 per hour after my free session a i found the link well usefull thank you for that and i hope u and all the other members reading this post are all ok thank you
 
maxitab

maxitab

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Hi again. The thing about the IAPT is that though they say 6 hours, they have the ability to extend it or to refer you to a different form of therapy if they think you need it, so though the 6 hours sounds silly, it could be good for what it may lead in to.
I know one of the things lots of people do is to say they are OK when they are not so don't pull any punches with the therapist, say how things really are for you.
I do hope you can get some ongoing help..........
 
madmark

madmark

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here i go again off the rails a big hard bloke like me reduced to tears i f*cking hate this life cant think straight from hour to hour why was i given this illness what have i ever done to anybody to be served this death sentance hanging over me every day
 
amathus

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Hi, the unfortunate thing about anxiety and depression is that it can strike anybody at any time....

Try some relaxation for a while, google it and see what suits you best...15 mins will help ground you.
See how you feel and think after that....

qf.
 
madmark

madmark

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feeling a bit better now just so much doupt in my head regarding life in genral
 
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