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Beauty

M

MaudMontgomery

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Hi
So, basically, I suffer from social anxiety, which mostly stems from my appearance. I feel like it is getting more severe recently. I have always felt different, because I am ugly. Sometimes I think I am pretty but then I realise I am not because literally everyone thinks I am ugly and no one has ever said I am pretty. I don't know why though, but sometimes I still think I am pretty and I feel very stupid to think so.
Recently I went to a party ( I tried real hard to skip somehow as parties make me highly anxious and nervous, but since so many friends were going, the fear of being judged and called lame for not going was way greater so I went) and I wore a new dress that I thought I looked nice in, and people actually complimented me. Then when I saw that everyone there looked so much nicer, I realised compared to them I was basically just a piece of dirt. To myself I did look nice though, in my head, but in reality I guess I was not. The thing is I couldn't enjoy the party at all because the whole time I was so worried about how I looked. I was scared. I hated it. I have always just wanted to be beautiful though, even though I know it is not that important. I was bullied in the past for my appearance. Boys would call me ugly, girls too. That's when my anxiety started. I wish someone thought I was beautiful. Guys never notice me. Also I remember particularly once when I was really young in primary school, I cried because some guy made really nasty remarks, and the day after my friends were like everyone felt really embarrassed that you cried. Later, maybe a couple of days later, a girl cried so much because she fell (not even that hard and no injuries/scabs) and everyone was comforting her trying to cheer her up. I wondered why, because I had a good relationship with everyone, everyone got along with me and liked me because I am a nice person, why didn't they cheer me up too? I cried pretty bad too didn't I? Then I realised. She was really pretty. I wasn't especially pretty back then I was way way way fatter and had pimples, braces, etc. That's when I think my obsession with losing weight and looking pretty started. To this date, even after my appearance has improved so much, my anxiety has only grown, I feel completely helpless. I just feel like I am a different creature, looked down upon because of how I look. Why does it even matter?
 
maybe.shes.a.wildflower

maybe.shes.a.wildflower

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I can sympatheises I feel like I'm hideous and I dont even know how to girl, I get so anxious in public I have to drug myself up to manage it I dont even socialise anymore!!
People just dont understand. I was bullied to about my appearance and I dont think I'll ever get over it. :hug1:
 

MarlieeB

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You never really really get over the bullying, especially if it's about your appearance. That is very true for me.
 
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Helena1

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hello. i have social anxiety but it is not based on what i look like. in therapy i am doing about self esteem and i think that is your issue? i think it has been beneficial to me and would be to you. can you get therapy or try a self help book. have you done anything like that in the past. how was it?
what country are you from?
 
Jimny

Jimny

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Hi Maud, a really interesting post. I am sorry you feel this way.
I would love to offer support, wouldn't the world be a better place if there weren't these magazine ideals of what society classes as beautiful.
I have found through the years that I kind of grew in to how I looked, my appearance bothered me for quite some time.
It may help to stop describing yourself as ugly, Christina Aguilaras song beautiful is so true. We are all beautiful and unique! Including you and me x
 
M

MaudMontgomery

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Hi Helena1
I have been thinking about therapy. It is available to me if I want, it's just that I feel I wouldn't be able to convey all of this in speech. And most of my problems for me are very serious, but to someone else may sound stupid and they probably wouldn't understand why I have such a great fear of certain social situations and I honestly think that if I went to a therapist they would only be helping me come to terms with the fact that I am ugly. I still have that little bit of hope that I am pretty and I don't want to let that go.
 
maybe.shes.a.wildflower

maybe.shes.a.wildflower

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It makes me sad that such a matter has consumed you :hug1: I get socially anxious but I am my own problem having blue hair people really are starring at me I'm not imagining it.
I hope one day you can over look what's past your outside and feel comfortable with who you are inside.
I can hardly talk as I'm struggling with both too lol.
I hope maybe therapy can make you see yourself in a different light, I'm awaiting some too which was more for my anger but I'm hopeful, cause I have to be.
 
M

MaudMontgomery

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Hi maybe.shes.a.wildflower
I'm glad you are able to seek help for yourself. I want to so bad. But I'm too scared to talk about this with a counselor/therapist. I feel they would not understand.
 
maybe.shes.a.wildflower

maybe.shes.a.wildflower

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Are you in the uk?
Its cbt I'm waiting for, from what I gather it would be beneficial for you too? But theres such a long wait
 
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Helena1

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I would give the therapy a go. I don't think they will be trying to get you to accept you are ugly. They will be working on you improving your self image so you think you are beautiful or at least averagely attractive or working on that what you look like doesn't matter that much. That sort of thing.
 
maybe.shes.a.wildflower

maybe.shes.a.wildflower

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:redface:
Honestly it was just a flattering pic, I'd done my hair and make up and put a filter on. I have hope for the cbt, my dr said my brain needs reworking to make me stop hateing myself again and itll do that, maybe one day I will see it? But I just feel so anxious and need to hide all the time, people are cruel.
 
maybe.shes.a.wildflower

maybe.shes.a.wildflower

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I was bullied all through school and I know they even came for me on sociàl media after school giving me crap. I think a life full of crap does tend to grind you down and the neglect.
Im glad youve successfully come out the other side, I hope to one day but I just feel so hopeless. I am ever so good at being positive about anyone but me, its a funny thing.
 
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MaudMontgomery

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Hi maybe.shes.a.wildflower
No, am not in UK. I have heard of cbt, and after you mentioned it I researched it. Still, am not sure if I would benefit from it. I hope it turns out good for you.
 
maybe.shes.a.wildflower

maybe.shes.a.wildflower

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But in theory they should be able to turn your negative thoughts toward a more positive outlook! I guess you guys have to pay for therapy etc there though? X
 
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