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bad times

RadioHush

RadioHush

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Joined
Jan 1, 2021
Messages
11
Location
Germany
i feel like ive really lost myself. when i look back i can see that this lost has been gradually happening in the last year. the person i was in 2019 doesnt seem to exsist anymore.
back then i was the friend who helped others through hard times, saw everything in a positive light and tried to understand depression to help others. now that im that person whos in need of help i dont feel like myself.

a few months ago i wouldnt even have dared of committing suicide, even though my depression was already present for a very long time. now id do it if it werent for those around me. i wouldnt be able to do it and leave all those wonderful people behind in sorrow, so i keep hurting to see them happy.

i just stopped caring about everything else besides those people, which might not seem like a huge deal, but it is.
i dont really care if i dont get the best grades in school anymore, i dont care if i die alone or if i find my significant other, i dont care if my body has scares, which leads to me harming myself again and i dont care about my future in general.
all of those things were really important to me in the past. i was the top student of my school, i really wanted to find love and stopped self harm because i didnt want people to have assumptions. i had dreams and hopes about becoming a surgeon. now nothing of that is left, im just an empty shell.

if i dont distract myself with something i get depressed every single time and have breakdowns. i just feel overwhelmed all the time.

i really want to go, but i cant.
 
RadioHush

RadioHush

Member
Joined
Jan 1, 2021
Messages
11
Location
Germany
sorry if this is all over the place, im just really not in the right mindset to be writing poems
 
Tawny

Tawny

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How old are you?

I'm so sad to hear you are struggling so much. Do you have any support such as from your family?

Please keep writing and we will try and support you.

Are you feeling suicidal as you wrote that you want to go?
 
NWiddi

NWiddi

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May 6, 2017
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Sheffiield
I'm glad you have reasons to carry on, depression can get better, we have many people here who can tell you the same from their own experiences.

But if things get really tough please use the forums for support and seek out help from any source you can find be it doctors, other mental health professionals or organisations like the Samaritans.

Please take good care of yourself.
 
K

karl7

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Joined
Jul 9, 2013
Messages
735
@RadioHush .....i used to have severe depression and i thought i would never get better, but i did and you will too....depression does pass.....i know when i was badly depressed and in despair i would have wanted someone to tell me that....you will get better

by the way welcome to the forum...this place is a nice understanding place to come to WELCOME
 
UpnDwn1978

UpnDwn1978

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Welcome RadioHush, I'm so sorry to hear about your struggles. Depression is a tough thing to handle as it brings hopelessness as its very nature. But there's always ways to get help. People do care and there are lots of positive things things that can get you out of your depression. I find talking to people, justy hanging with friend and having fun or being on forums like this to talk about your struggles can help. Getting outside and take a walk in the fresh air can give some comfort as can exercise or just taking a shower. Even if you feel to down to do this things force yourself to, it took me years to finally manage to get the willpower to do this, but it has helped immensely. If you feel you can't handle it get someone to force you outside to do stuff, just say that no matter how down i am please drag me out of bed and take me with you. You can also tru meditation and other relaxation techniques like mindfullness, meditation has helped calm me and let go of my thoughts and worries, if only for a little while. If you can't find any way to cope there's always therapy and medical treatment. I hope you find a way to relieve your suffering. i know its hard but tehre are people that care about you and will support you, you'll find many of them here on the forum. Please take care and best wishes.

M
 
kimidare

kimidare

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 2, 2021
Messages
48
Location
France
Hi again Radio :)

Do you know why you started to become depressed and sh ? And the reasons of your feelings right now ?

You are right to think about your friends.
Nether convince yourself that they will heal or move on in case of suicide. It s extremely painful, suicide can be a contagious thing.
I lost a friend like that, 9 years ago, and the sadness and the guilt are still here.

There will be one day when the darkness will fade. You are never alone, you can post here when you want to have support.

Try to avoid doing things that may make your state of mind worse. You have a future, even if you don t currently see it.
:grouphug:
 
RadioHush

RadioHush

Member
Joined
Jan 1, 2021
Messages
11
Location
Germany
How old are you?

I'm so sad to hear you are struggling so much. Do you have any support such as from your family?

Please keep writing and we will try and support you.

Are you feeling suicidal as you wrote that you want to go?
im 18!
and yeah i got more support from the people around me than anyone else could ever wish for, im really lucky :)
and i wouldnt say that im suicidal. i really dont want to die! i just want this pain to be over so im hoping that my therapy, medication and all of this support works soon.
thank you so much for your help <3
 
RadioHush

RadioHush

Member
Joined
Jan 1, 2021
Messages
11
Location
Germany
I'm glad you have reasons to carry on, depression can get better, we have many people here who can tell you the same from their own experiences.

But if things get really tough please use the forums for support and seek out help from any source you can find be it doctors, other mental health professionals or organisations like the Samaritans.

Please take good care of yourself.
i will and thank you so much for your help, its really nice of you <3 if you ever need anything please write me!
 
Tawny

Tawny

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England
I'm happy you have lots of support. At the end of the day, we are alone with our thoughts but in time it will be easier to cope. Your writing is a great outlet for your feelings. Depression is the worst thing i have been through but many people in history have suffered too, and written and painted, composed, many beautiful pieces of work.
 
Tawny

Tawny

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England

But when the melancholy fit shall fall
Sudden from heaven like a weeping cloud,
That fosters the droop-headed flowers all,
And hides the green hill in an April shroud;


From childhood’s hour I have not been
As others were—I have not seen
As others saw—I could not bring
My passions from a common spring—
 
Tawny

Tawny

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Location
England

The tulips are too excitable, it is winter here.
Look how white everything is, how quiet, how snowed-in.
I am learning peacefulness, lying by myself quietly
As the light lies on these white walls, this bed, these hands.
I am nobody; I have nothing to do with explosions.
I have given my name and my day-clothes up to the nurses
And my history to the anesthetist and my body to surgeons

***

Some people find these triggering, i did become very dragged in by the film SYLVIA, because i was very depressed at the time, but usually poetry helps me so much when depressed.

The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath is a very descriptive book about depression and one of my favourites.
 
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