bad time

[intelgal]

Dont know really where to start but I ve been having a relly bad time with my feeling and thoughts for the past couple of weeks and they are getting relaly intense. Due to go back to a cousellor this week and I am jsut really scared of it. Maybe I am as better as he can get me, maybe this is me for life. Iv e pretty much decided that I will end this existance at some point wether thats in the next few weeks or few months. Just want to cause the least possible disruption to people. I wanted to get better but now i just cant see a way through it.

 

[Libra1]

Sorry you are not feeling so well integal I felt really sad when I read your post just now, and just wanted to offer a little support.

I know you are going to see a counsellor soon, if you are feeling so unwell I think it would be wise to go and see your Gp as soon as possible, and just explain how you feel.

Have you got any family with you, or close relatives/friends that would understand if you described how you felt? I really do understand how dark black miserable moods make us feel. How it is so hard to think straight, explain our feelings and or get motivated to try and help ourselves.

MHF is here 24/7 do post again and let us know how you are. Please, please do not think about leaving this existance now or in a few months time. If you are really desparate to talk to someone then please call Samaritans - sorry do not know number, but you could call 118 118 and ask for them. I hope this helps a little

 

[Apotheosis]

Hi Intelgal

I'm sorry your not feeling too good.

I have found that sharing stuff with people & telling them how I feel - the best medicine, especially when it is with people who have been there themselves.
I used to keep things inside allot, & I am still prone to let things build up; but when I can honestly talk about how I feel, I usually do feel better.

I reached a very low point in my life in my early 20's, where I believed that the only way out was to kill myself. I tried my best to do so & failed. It was a turning point in my life & I am very grateful that I didn't succeed; despite the difficulties, there are good times & worthwhile experiences to be had. I decided that I would take whatever came, & if I was to die then it wouldn't be by my own hand. Things actually turned out OK on the whole. I still get the times & days of feeling like I would rather be dead, but it passes, & since those earlier times I no longer think about doing anything about those feelings. The way I figure is that one day my time will be up; & I'm very interested in seeing what happens; as there is no way I could have figured on what has happened so far anyway. We never know what is around the next corner. The 35 odd years I have been on this planet have gone by relatively quick. I am sure the next 35 - 50 years or however long, will go by almost quicker. So I'm happy most of the time to stick around. There are moments which make life sweet; in the bad times those moments don't seem like they exist. But in the good times the same is true of the bad times. Whatever bad times might be ahead - I like to think that there will be good times as well.

 

[intelgal]

thank you for your replies. I am in my twenties and although I have had depression for a while I ve never had such bad thoughts of death. I had a half hearted attempt a few weeks ago taking an overdose. My friends are fed up of me being this way and I know they are good caring people bt I will loose them not that I deserve them any way. I binge eat and up until a few weeks ago I had been able to control it and had infact managed to loose weight, I ocassionally cut myself but the above gives me more I suppose relief I can control it but that makes me feel even more fat and ugly.

 

[Cal]

Hey Intelgal, it sounds like you're having a hard time, i hope you find a way through it soon. We all go through bad things and some of us find it harder than others, i've been on the verge of killing myself so many times but i think you need to find someone you can talk to, there are so many, you just need to look, try family and friends, your GP or call Samaritans, sometimes just having how you feel listened to can make a world of difference. I hope you start feeling better soon

 

[nickh]

intelgal...very sorry to hear that you are still having a bad time.

One problem - I hate to add to them but its important - is that I think from what you say that you are thinking that it is your fault you are not better. This is something many of us here have gone through and still go through. Course we all want to be better when we are ill, but just because it is a mental illness doesn't mean that you can 'want' or think your way out of it, any more than you could if you had the flu or asthma or diabetes or whatever. You need the right treatment - medication, counselling, psychotherapy - well these are some main ones but there are hundreds and the right combination is different for every individual, which is why sadly it often takes some time to find the best one for you. When you are really ill, as you are now, then the vital thing is to keep yourself safe. And get help - from your GP, the Samaritans, a support group, a Mental Health team. How you are feeling is not your fault ; it is an illness and you need help. With the right help you will get better. Really! I know that seems impossible when you are in the pit and sounds stupid and ignorant - but it is still true.

And coming here and posting is very good too .

Nick.

 

[intelgal]

Thankyou for the replies. I am sorry i keep coming with the same problem.

 

[Dollit]

Don't give yourself such a hard time. Life can be tremendously difficult at times. Most people with severe depression with have suicidal thoughts at times. A lot of people do make attempts (I did when I was younger than you) but survive and go on to lead different lives. Having suicidal thoughts doesn't always mean you'll try though, sometimes your head just likes to keep options open.

We all have to find ways of coping - I worked out my ways with my consultant and my GP and we put it together as an Advance Care Plan and all my support team have copies so we all do the same thing together when I'm in a crisis.

I started off with a good day and I've done too much and got too tired and need some rest. Unfortunately I'm in a mixed state which gives me low mood but tremendous energy and it's not a good combination. The two people I would turn to are both under tremendous stress themselves at the moment and I want to be there for them for a change because I love them.

However if things get really bad I'll be following the link below - they are fantastic. Keep coming back Intelgal

http://www.samaritans.org/

 

[intelgal]

Thankyou

 

[nickh]

intelgal - post as often as you want and never worry about coming back with the same problem or being boring. Really. Never.

Dollit - very sorry you had a bad day yesterday - hope that you are feeling a bit better today

Nick.

 

[Dollit]

Listen to Nick - we have to crack on at something for a while before we get some sort of solution. And yes thanks Nick I'm having a better day today. There was a bit of an upheaval which has put a few people out, including me, but we'll get through it.

Any way Intelgal - how are you today?

 

[intelgal]

Hey,

Not feeling too bad today although I ve picked up a stomach bug but feel better than I did with it. I have been in bed most of the day. I hope I am okay for my appointment tomorrow, It is kind of reassuring to know that people have bad days and do get through them if ya know what I mean Thankyou everyone

 

[daffy]

Hi Intelgal, I dont think weve spoken b4 but i can empathise with how your feeling as ive been there recently, but my local MH team have been really helpful. I do hope that the councellor can help you. Take any help thats going hun.


You will come out of this cycle and as Dollit says just cos youve had suicidal thoughts does not mean that you would go thru with them. Keep in touch with your medical team. You can always get in touch with your local Mind group as well. They are in the yellow pages

Take care

 

[intelgal]

Thanks again everyone... Made it to my appointment ... went ok I think. Been cream Crackered though

 

[Dollit]

If you think it went okay then it went okay. How's the stomach?