- Feb 27, 2016
- UK, London
I have had a terrible week. The depression has being beating me to a pulp. I was on holiday, but just stuck at home most of the time with not much to do. I will be turning 40 next year. I have no kids my wife doesn't want them. I don't really like her that much anymore to be honest, but scared of being alone. No real friends like I used to have. I have always had ridiculous ambitions that I will almost certainly never achieve. All I have in my life is work to be honest, and that is often very stressful coping with different people. I tried 5htp recently, it seemed to help for a few days but now I feel worse than ever. I have looping thoughts and song segments that go round in my head all day and I am constantly thinking about what a sad loser I am and dying. I am constantly looking for people to blame. I can't work out if my mother is my allie or someone who has been abusing me for my whole life. I have abused drugs in the past and have probably done some irreversible damage to my brain. I think I generally hate women and all the bs selfish ego attitude they have (I know men are just as bad but I don't notice it so much). I hate thinking about shameful things I have done in the past its a constant stream in my mind. The world must hate me and want me to die, why else would I feel so awful? Hell exists I must be in it now I am too much of a coward to end it all.