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Bad romance

L

Lost Boy

New member
Joined
Mar 22, 2015
Messages
1
Hello. I've never posted anything like this before, so I'm not really sure what's appropriate.

I have had a tumultuous experience with a recent romance that has left me in a state of despair for the state of my life in general and I wanted to share my story to see if anyone might be kind enough to share some insight.

18 months ago I was living in a big city in a foreign country, with an active social life, rewarding career and earning a high enough salary to travel frequently and really enjoy my life. I went through a series of short romances in a quest to find a person that I would want to spend my life with, but did not ever fall in love with anyone. I was constantly surrounded by people, but always felt empty and alone.

I would date people for a couple of weeks or a couple of months, but invariably I would break it off and typically with no good reason. I started feeling guilty, as I do not like to disappoint people and I do not feel like I had any right to be so picky. I was looking for something I can't quite describe, like a kind of intangible spark of magic that would take over my heart and fill me with hope and wonder.

After a lot of thought, I decided to return to my home country, where I could reconnect with family and old friends and resume what seemed to me like a more normal, average life. Then, without the glamorous distractions of the big, foreign city, I thought I might finally be able to find love.

I was right.

Within three months, I met an amazing, intelligent and attractive woman and the mystical spark of magic that I had been searching for was immediately present. She seemed wholesome, virtuous, kind and thoughtful and I was immediately taken. Our first date lasted for probably 7 hours of quite riveting conversation and I felt like I had finally found the one.

The only shred of doubt that I had came from the fact that she was a foreigner herself, in my country and having been in that same position (and seen it many times) I know that most young foreigners, eventually return home. I ignored this and decided that the feeling that I had found with her was too rare and important to ignore.

This is a sentiment that I have since maintained through quite a lot of heartache.

Within a few weeks of meeting, we became virtually inseparable. We would see each other nearly every day, alternating between each of our apartments. I was so happy with her. I started performing better at work and I found more energy to go out of my way to show kindness to others. At this point, I had not told her that I loved her. Everything seemed perfect and I was scared she might lose interest if I tried to push the relationship forward too quickly.

We spent 6 months like this and I was on top of the world. Three times during this period, she travelled overseas for short holidays, or to visit her family in her own country. It hurt me to be apart from her, but she kept in constant contact, sending me delightful messages and pictures of her and what she was doing.

When she returned from her last trip, I took her out for dinner to welcome her back. That was where she told me that her Visa was due to expire and that she would soon have to leave. I told her that she couldn't leave because I was completely in love with her. I told her that I would marry her to keep her in the country, if she wanted to stay.

I spent the next six weeks spending as much time with her as I could, all the while trying to make sure that she had an amazing time with me that she would not soon forget. I thought I could inspire in her the same kind certainty that I felt, but I did not successfully address the issue of what might happen when she left.

On the appointed day, she left. Our parting was tearful. Neither one of us really wanted to say goodbye.

We spoke again via Face-time after she had cleared airport security and before she boarded her flight. I told her that I wanted to be with her and that we would find a way.

She told me that I was the love of her life and that she wanted to be with me too.

We maintained healthy contact for about 3 or 4 weeks after she left, but then, things started to unravel. I was unable to leave my job for a few months, so I kept trying to convince her to return and visit for New year's eve. She said that she would try.

I got the answer a few days before. She wasn't going to come. It was too far and she couldn't afford it. On new years eve I was unable to contact her. When I eventually did, she said she was at home, but the ambient background noise suggested otherwise.

The thought that she would ever lie to me had not yet entered my head at this point. I had been convinced that we were perfectly in love.

I learned then that instead of travelling to see me, she had travelled to another (slightly less) distant country to visit friends. She confessed this to me while she was still on her trip, but then avoided talking to me for days. I started to suspect (and now know for sure) that she was sleeping with someone else.

I decided that we are only human and we sometimes make mistakes. Its important to forgive people if you love them. I had no intention of returning to being single, as I knew that the feeling I had found with her was so rare.

She spoke to me on the phone when she got home (she admitted nothing) and said that she loved me.

At this point I started to become very jealous and paranoid and this came across in our communication. I was desperate to see her and managed to schedule some leave from work to visit her. The trip never went ahead, as she again became very difficult to communicate with during the short window I had to confirm everything (I work for a big company with an arduous process for getting holidays approved).

I started to suspect that she was moving on, though whenever we did speak, or if she sent me a message, she would often still affirm that she loved me.

I started to feel very depressed and helpless, trapped between my unflinching desire to make the romance work and my impotence to do anything about it in the short term. My work started to suffer and when I wasn't at work, I would shut myself in my room and stare at my phone, hoping for a message from her.

I noticed via a popular social media tool that she was consistently messaging another man. Oddly enough, he was from my country (far away from her). Having already been lied to, I became very suspicious.

I became obsessed with her via social media, which is difficult, because it's something she tends to avoid. I would start trawling through the photos and posts of anyone that I suspected she had spoken to, trying to get some kind of understanding of what was happening. I would do this for hours, even when I was at work. I knew that she was lying to me and I needed to catch her.

Still, when we spoke, she called me her love.

I was breaking. I couldn't handle any more. I felt that I needed and deserved her love. I had already been making plans to move to her country so we could be together, but it was becoming difficult to do it without any real input from her.

I really lost my mind when I noticed the other man that I had seen her messaging was visiting her country. I started noticing that the photos he would post were from the same places as the photos that she would occasionally still send me of what she was doing.

Still she denied any wrong doing and said that she needed me.

I knew that I was being lied to. I decided that I needed to take back control of the situation. I wrote her a lengthy email explaining how much I loved her but that I wasn't getting the attention and consideration that I needed from her and that perhaps we should call the relationship off, unless she wanted to make an effort to talk to me about it.

She didn't.

The last thing I wanted was to break up with her, but now I had done it anyway.

I spent the next two days in utter turmoil. Locked in my room and crying, until eventually, my resolve wavered and I tried to retract breaking up with her. She said that she would call me.

Before the call came, obsessively, as I had become, I checked through the social media accounts of the people I thought she associated with. There was a photo that the other man I suspected had posted of the two of them embracing with a caption suggesting that he was in love with her.

My heart completely froze and I rolled on to the floor in shock. I lay there for half an hour without moving, then I sent her a copy of the photo so she would know I had seen it. Her response, again was to lie about what it meant and what she had been doing. They weren't even good or convincing lies.

I went in to a deep, black depression. How could I have been so wrong about this person? What if I am wrong and she does love me? What should I have done differently? Is there something wrong with me?

These questions and more have been constantly swimming around my head since.

I decided that the whole thing had become poisonous and that I should move on. I went on to an internet dating site and started looking for someone new.

I managed to go on a few dates with a few nice girls, but my heart just wasn't in it. I kept thinking that I should be there with my love instead. How could she betray me? Did she ever love me? The love felt so real when we were together!

One of the girls I met on the internet site seemed very interested in sex. She definitely was not my type and I didn't particularly like her, so after our date, I said goodbye despite the obvious hints that she wanted to come home with me.

The next morning I lay in bed, depressed and thinking of my love. I started visiting social media pages again and found another photo of her with a loving comment from another man. It felt like a knife literally went in to my heart.

I phoned the girl from the night before and told her she should come over. She did. She got straight in to bed with me and we had sex. I thought it would make me feel better, like I was still desirable. Instead, I felt wretched. I excused myself and went to the bathroom to vomit. After she left I spent the whole day in bed crying.

I was not going to be able to go back to being single. I was still in love and my heart knew it. I had spent so long trying to find the feeling that I had found, I would be betraying myself to give up on it.

I reached out to my love again. Months earlier we had suggested meeting in yet a different country to attend a destination wedding for some friends of mine. I asked her again to come. We talked at length and I convinced her to say yes. I started to feel hope again. Like we would be able to mend things and could still have the future that I dreamed of.

I told myself that whatever she had done, I would forgive her if she could be honest with me in the future. I told her that if she would have me, I would move to her country immediately (where I do not have the right to work, but I thought the risk was worth it).

We met last week for the first time since she had left my country and it immediately felt like I was in heaven. Here was my smiling girl, back again to fill my heart with joy.

For a few days, all my woes were forgotten and I quite literally had the best time of my life. I asked her if she could officially be my girlfriend again and she said yes. We made love dozens of times and frequently said that we loved each other. I believed in us again.

I think its important for any relationship to have trust, especially if it's going to be long distance in the short term. I knew that we would have to talk about some of the things that had happened. I told her that I knew that she had cheated on me, but that I understood that it's hard to be so far away in another country and that I had forgiven her. She told me that she had never cheated on me. That she had never slept with any other men.

I knew she was lying, but I understood that too. We were caught up in a moment.

On our last night together, I went through her phone while she was asleep. In it, I found evidence of the two other men mentioned above that she had definitely slept with, along with several others that were quite suggestive. There was further evidence of something far more disturbing with a number of much older men.

My first reaction was to vomit. My body started violently shaking and I lay awake all night, whimpering to myself and praying to god. Then I remembered, I already knew that she had cheated on me and I had already decided to forgive her. Isn't that what love is? I knew that I loved her more than anything.

There was only one thing that I couldn't quite get past. While she had been on holiday with me for the previous few days, she had still been messaging other men. She wrote to one of the other men that she had slept with that she was dreaming of him every night.

When she woke the next morning, I immediately confronted her. She admitted the cheating. I could tell that she was ashamed and I felt bad. After all, I did really want to make her happy.

We spent the whole day travelling back to the airport in deep conversation. I told her that I had forgiven her for everything and I only wanted to be with her. I asked her if she felt the same and if so, would she please stop messaging the other man (who is clearly in love with her too). I needed reassurance before she left again, but I never really got it. I asked her to marry me. She said I needed to ask her dad first. She said we would speak every day.

That was three days ago. She is back in her country and I am in mine. None of our subsequent conversations have given me any confidence and I am sure that she is proceeding as she has done before. Now that I know exactly how she has behaved and the extent of it, I am in utter despair.

I am again, shut in my room, starting at my phone and waiting for it to ring. I have sent her dozens of messages and now she is ignoring me.

I still love her and I can't bear to give up.

I am more depressed in this moment than I ever thought I could be. I wish I had never abandoned my life overseas to come here and look for love. I don't want to do anything, socialise, work, or even watch television. I feel utterly worthless and alone.

I can't stop thinking about how hurt I am and I just want it to stop.

If you've read all of this, I thank you very much. If there is anything you could say that might help me, I would greatly appreciate it.

A Lost Boy
 

MarlieeB

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Jan 15, 2013
Messages
25,043
Welcome to the forum.

I haven't been able to read your whole post so I'm doing this to hopefully give it a little bump.

Marliee x
 
S

SaraT11

New member
Joined
Mar 23, 2015
Messages
3
Aww that is truly heartbreaking :(
I totally feel for you. It sounds as though you have given this girl far more than she deserves (I know you feel differently and would probably give her the moon if you could), and I know it's so hard to accept but she isn't the person you believed her to be. She knows you love her and the lengths you're prepared to go to for her. She should stop playing the cruel games and just be truthful with you. She's playing on your emotions knowing only too well the extent of your love for her.
And unfortunately you're allowing her to.
I totally understand. You're so scared to find love again and be wrong, so scared you're going to end up in the same heartbroken situation. At least you KNOW this girl. You have a history with her and a ton of memories that mean so much to you. And although it kills you to think of her with anybody else you push the thought away and hope one day she'll remember and realise how much she still loves you too?
Some days are better than others, I know. You may convince yourself that you're better off without her and start feeling optimistic but it only takes a song on the radio or to see another loved-up couple to remind you, and the pain comes flooding back. I really, really feel for you.
You need to cut her out of your life, harsh as it sounds but she lives thousands of miles away and the relationship would be difficult to maintain even if she gave you a glimmer of hope. She manipulates you by allowing you to believe now and then there is a chance. Just the fact she can treat you so cruelly should be enough, but you're totally in love with this girl and you're likely to excuse her practically anything, and she knows it!!
A distraction right now would be good (dating is maybe not a good idea right now, it may leave you hollow which is damaging in itself or result in a rebound relationship which will only leave you more confused and wouldn't be fair on the other person).
I think you need to reconnect with old friends, socialise, meet new people. I know right now it may feel as though you may never laugh again but you need to bring the fun back into your life. Don't be scared to go out and enjoy yourself. Allow at least some of your thoughts to be about something other than her. Find something to look forward to.
This is going to be one of the most difficult things you've ever done but eventually you'll realise that you didn't check your phone for an hour or two. Before you know it you'll stop hoping every message tone is her. You'll start to get your life back and one day you'll realise you did nothing wrong and you'll wonder why you gave so much to someone so selfish as to not care about your feelings at all!!
Good luck!!
 
L

limichelle32

Active member
Joined
Dec 31, 2014
Messages
44
Hello,
I am very sorry you are going through this. Reading your story breaks my heart because of the intense love you have for her. I hate to be blunt but if she truly loves you she wouldn't keep cheating or cheated in the first place. She is clearly playing mind games on your emotions and you deserve better then that! I say break away from her and find new friends to meet. Join a social event! Take time for you! You need to heal before you pursue dating. I promise you will find somebody who truly deserves you! I don't see her being a healthy person for your life.
Lisa
 
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