Bad memories & bad anxiety

cpuusage

cpuusage

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Sep 25, 2012
Messages
37,660
Location
Planet Lunatic Asylum
#1
i have the same stuff go round & round in my head - the same memories of being in severe psychosis & what happened around it all, especially from the first episode. It was 27 years ago but feels like yesterday. i also get this almost constant very bad anxiety.

It's obviously something pathological.

Don't know how to resolve it all?
 
Foxjo

Foxjo

Well-known member
Moderator
Forum Safety Team
Joined
Jan 2, 2012
Messages
6,693
Location
Teesside
#2
I wish i knew how to get rid of bad memories. I have them too, one relating back 20 years. Im ok then trigger-bang im right back there in the room.
Wish i could remember the good memories in the same way but it doesnt seem to work that way round. I hate the way my brain works!
Hugs to you CPU
Fox
 
I

itsmeagain

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 25, 2010
Messages
578
Location
england
#3
I feel as though people actually get almost physical trauma from horrible experiences.
You feel the scars as a deeply imprinted trauma somehow.
Therapy needs to be on a physical healing level combined with psychological.
When I look at the incarceration for psychosis, the brutalising by stony faced uneducated humourless cranks known as care staff....and there lies your particular trauma.
Good luck CPU.
 
Parayana

Parayana

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 22, 2012
Messages
1,901
#4
I've also got some scary memories from the bout of psychosis that first got me admitted. Personally CPU I've found mindfulness helps me deal with them. I let them rise and pass with a smile. Non-identifying with them helps as well. I still have a lot of paranoid and anxious thoughts but I no longer let them bother me or get in the way. Mind you its taken me six years of serious meditation practice to be able to do this.
 
Mayflower7

Mayflower7

Well-known member
Moderator
Joined
Jan 4, 2013
Messages
9,370
Location
England
#5
Hi CPU,
Sorry your having these issues, have you tried distracting yourself?
I hope the thoughts settle down and you start to feel better.
I've had intrusive thoughts and it's horrible.
Take care
 
cpuusage

cpuusage

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Sep 25, 2012
Messages
37,660
Location
Planet Lunatic Asylum
#6
Thanks for all the replies - it's at a deep emotional / feeling level. It feels like it's part of my Being.

i have tried everything to try & more fully resolve certain things, & have made a lot of progress, i think it's a case of accepting it's the reality of the condition.
 
L

la femme folle

Guest
#7
I had a dream last night about people I went to school with who I had bad memories of so I haven't resolved it either. I think that is quite common with people who have diagnosed mh problems.

My coping mechanisms are not healthy for avoiding anxiety so I won't share those but the doctor calls it OCD type symptoms.

I'm sorry you can't resolve this and I do think it's something people just have to learn to live with, it's just a healthy way of dealing with the anxiety that can be addressed. Mindfulness I would think is a good way of dealing with it but I don't think it works for everyone.

For a while I stopped having dreams about school when I had a psychologist, but they never completely went away. Memories are impossible to get rid of I am afraid.

:hug:
 
Slyorbital

Slyorbital

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Apr 19, 2017
Messages
632
#8
It's called C-PTSD,I have it when the emotions are flashback memories of a traumatic event.I had a load of trauma throughout my life and several nervous breakdown's crises that involved hospital.Hospital being admitted/sectioned is traumatic,trauma on top of trauma,more and more layers of it.

It is awful CPU so I sympathise.What help do you get from MHT,these days? They fobbed me off,they have discharged me to GP care.My GP is always on maternity leave or working part time,it is really hard to get an appointment so what her care entails I don't know,so far I have been under her for a year and mostly got by on my own.
They diagnosed me with PTSD years ago then changed it to anxiety depression so my original illness isn't even what they have me down as I need to get them to acknowledge that is what I suffer from and was originally diagnosed with.

It is like getting blood out of a stone,they don't know what they are doing,last time the psyche doc said you are not telling me your diagnosis,I tell you what's wrong!

I guess psychosis is pretty traumatic too to go through,some memories that I have are that disturbing when they get a grip on me those memories and I can't let them go it is like a waking nightmare.Horrible makes me want to scream and cry,I can imagine how bad it is for you CPU.Hugs.
 
cpuusage

cpuusage

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Sep 25, 2012
Messages
37,660
Location
Planet Lunatic Asylum
#9
It's called C-PTSD,I have it when the emotions are flashback memories of a traumatic event.I had a load of trauma throughout my life and several nervous breakdown's crises that involved hospital.Hospital being admitted/sectioned is traumatic,trauma on top of trauma,more and more layers of it.

It is awful CPU so I sympathise.What help do you get from MHT,these days? They fobbed me off,they have discharged me to GP care.My GP is always on maternity leave or working part time,it is really hard to get an appointment so what her care entails I don't know,so far I have been under her for a year and mostly got by on my own.
They diagnosed me with PTSD years ago then changed it to anxiety depression so my original illness isn't even what they have me down as I need to get them to acknowledge that is what I suffer from and was originally diagnosed with.

It is like getting blood out of a stone,they don't know what they are doing,last time the psyche doc said you are not telling me your diagnosis,I tell you what's wrong!

I guess psychosis is pretty traumatic too to go through,some memories that I have are that disturbing when they get a grip on me those memories and I can't let them go it is like a waking nightmare.Horrible makes me want to scream and cry,I can imagine how bad it is for you CPU.Hugs.
Thank you. Things started around the age of 6 after a bad accident / neck injury / head trauma. Age 7 these was some kind of psychotic experience. The anxiety / depression / very odd dreams & other symptoms started at that age, but got a lot worse from age 11. There were 7 major psychotic episodes & 4 hospitalisations. Was also in addiction / alcoholism for 17 years.

Have been over 15 years sober - & since accepting the need for a medication, have Not had a major psychotic episode / breakdown for over 12 years. There have been / are ongoing symptoms & difficulties.

i have Never really got on with mental health services, & other than the 4 hospitalisations haven't had a lot of contact with them. Have been discharged from all psychiatric / mental health services for 5 years again, back to the GP, who i see about once a year. Their story is that the schizophrenia was primarily drug induced, that i have made a remarkable recovery, & basically get on with things.

i do identify a lot with C-PTSD, But the only official diagnosis is paranoid schizophrenia.

My bro & a friend keep suggesting for me to go see the GP & increase the neuroleptic (anti-psychotic) medication, But i am very wary about doing so.
 
tabbykitten

tabbykitten

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 10, 2013
Messages
4,430
Location
cloud cuckoo land (UK)
#10
sympathies with triggers causing bad memories. My bad memories can hit from nowhere and go back to being a toddler, then all through life. Stupid things often that were hard for me to cope with but, more than likely, the other people involved will not recall at all.
I’ve no real solution. Tried telling myself to stop (seems to be a standard counselling suggestion) but it doesn’t really work. What I find frustrating is the thought chain type process that sets me off on track to recall the nasties. None of it is serious enough to label with something like C-PTSD but it is still very unpleasant to go through.
 
cpuusage

cpuusage

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Sep 25, 2012
Messages
37,660
Location
Planet Lunatic Asylum
#11
i do identify a lot with C-PTSD, But the only official diagnosis is paranoid schizophrenia.

My bro & a friend keep suggesting for me to go see the GP & increase the neuroleptic (anti-psychotic) medication, But i am very wary about doing so.
Am really Not sure what to do about all 'this' & everything that goes / is going on. It may be an idea to increase the medication again, at least see the GP for a chat.
 
cpuusage

cpuusage

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Sep 25, 2012
Messages
37,660
Location
Planet Lunatic Asylum
#12
Am really Not sure what to do about all 'this' & everything that goes / is going on. It may be an idea to increase the medication again, at least see the GP for a chat.
It all feels like an endless catch 22 / Double Bind with everything.

i hate the way this society / civilisation is & the way a lot of people are in a lot of ways, But Nothing that i can do about it all.

The family dynamic doesn't help & Never has done overall, But there's Nothing that i can do about all that either.

Death will be a blessed relief, whenever it comes.
 
Last edited:
boudreauj4

boudreauj4

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 6, 2017
Messages
812
#13
A book I read this winter said that a considerable amount of people with schizophrenia have ptsd caused by their psychotic experience and some get relief by getting targeted treatment for the ptsd in addition to the classical treatment for schizophrenia.
 
cpuusage

cpuusage

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Sep 25, 2012
Messages
37,660
Location
Planet Lunatic Asylum
#14
A book I read this winter said that a considerable amount of people with schizophrenia have ptsd caused by their psychotic experience and some get relief by getting targeted treatment for the ptsd in addition to the classical treatment for schizophrenia.
i have Never had & will Never get any appropriate or proper understanding or treatment for any of it.
 
Poopy Doll

Poopy Doll

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 13, 2015
Messages
11,502
Location
Fort Lauderdale, Florida, USA
#15
i have Never had & will Never get any appropriate or proper understanding or treatment for any of it.
That's a true statement in my case also. I've been through a dozen so called therapists and not one could tolerate discussing my PTSD that revolves around my 2 year hospitalization. If there is specialized treatment for PTSD my insurance doesn't seem to pay for really good psychologists. I'm looking for Carl Jung. But he's dead.

I try to stay in the here and now, CPU, and I'm sure you do too. The past trauma is pretty much dead to me as a strong memory, unless someone threatens me with being Baker Acted. Then the whole past comes over me like a storm and I'm IN IT. Mostly I wake up in the morning wondering what the hell happened to my life; how I got derailed.

But that's kind of a materialists point of view. I have to go back to a spiritual understanding of why I would be tortured for two years and then spend more years undoing the damage. Only the spiritual understanding can arrest the memories for me. Only the spiritual stops me from cycling in circles, ruminating on what happened and why and how.

Another thing is I am not sufficiently intellectually engaged during my day. Being disabled is like an endless vacation where I don't get to be useful. So an idle mind is the devils workshop.
 
cpuusage

cpuusage

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Sep 25, 2012
Messages
37,660
Location
Planet Lunatic Asylum
#16
That's a true statement in my case also. I've been through a dozen so called therapists and not one could tolerate discussing my PTSD that revolves around my 2 year hospitalization. If there is specialized treatment for PTSD my insurance doesn't seem to pay for really good psychologists. I'm looking for Carl Jung. But he's dead.

I try to stay in the here and now, CPU, and I'm sure you do too. The past trauma is pretty much dead to me as a strong memory, unless someone threatens me with being Baker Acted. Then the whole past comes over me like a storm and I'm IN IT. Mostly I wake up in the morning wondering what the hell happened to my life; how I got derailed.

But that's kind of a materialists point of view. I have to go back to a spiritual understanding of why I would be tortured for two years and then spend more years undoing the damage. Only the spiritual understanding can arrest the memories for me. Only the spiritual stops me from cycling in circles, ruminating on what happened and why and how.

Another thing is I am not sufficiently intellectually engaged during my day. Being disabled is like an endless vacation where I don't get to be useful. So an idle mind is the devils workshop.
Yes, there are a lot of similarities with me as well, sadly we're Not going to find anyone of the calibre of Carl Jung. It's the initial experience that i had that really gets to me, But it is a case of accepting what is.

i understand that we're all different, & can appreciate & understand the Atheist / Materialist perspectives, & understand why some of them hate religion, & relegate all spirituality into the same thing, although i am Not an Atheist / materialist. My own spirituality is important for me as well. Sometimes for me i feel it needs to be a case of bringing it all back to what i am quietly doing, & Not engaging in debate / discussion around it all, or focusing too much on campaigning / social activism.

i went to the local 'new age' shop today, had a long chat with the guy who i know who runs it, who is very interesting & knowledgeable on things. i bought a small quartz crystal to add to the collection. i also bumped into a load of people i know at the cafe & had a good chat with them. Also got a hair cut, tobacco supplies, & had a bath - so a pretty productive day.
 
Poopy Doll

Poopy Doll

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 13, 2015
Messages
11,502
Location
Fort Lauderdale, Florida, USA
#17
Yes, there are a lot of similarities with me as well, sadly we're Not going to find anyone of the calibre of Carl Jung. It's the initial experience that i had that really gets to me, But it is a case of accepting what is.

i understand that we're all different, & can appreciate & understand the Atheist / Materialist perspectives, & understand why some of them hate religion, & relegate all spirituality into the same thing, although i am Not an Atheist / materialist. My own spirituality is important for me as well. Sometimes for me i feel it needs to be a case of bringing it all back to what i am quietly doing, & Not engaging in debate / discussion around it all, or focusing too much on campaigning / social activism.

i went to the local 'new age' shop today, had a long chat with the guy who i know who runs it, who is very interesting & knowledgeable on things. i bought a small quartz crystal to add to the collection. i also bumped into a load of people i know at the cafe & had a good chat with them. Also got a hair cut, tobacco supplies, & had a bath - so a pretty productive day.
Your day sounds lovely. :)
 
cpuusage

cpuusage

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Sep 25, 2012
Messages
37,660
Location
Planet Lunatic Asylum
#18
Your day sounds lovely. :)
Yes it was OK. Just Not been feeling too good. All things considered things are generally OK in an 'outside' sense, it's certain inner stuff, overall circumstances, stress & responsibilities that are more difficult. i have put a lot of work into things over the past 15 years, with sobriety & building a life & social / support circle. i lose sight at times of having made a lot of progress.
 
Poopy Doll

Poopy Doll

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 13, 2015
Messages
11,502
Location
Fort Lauderdale, Florida, USA
#19
Yes it was OK. Just Not been feeling too good. All things considered things are generally OK in an 'outside' sense, it's certain inner stuff, overall circumstances, stress & responsibilities that are more difficult. i have put a lot of work into things over the past 15 years, with sobriety & building a life & social / support circle. i lose sight at times of having made a lot of progress.
Yes, 15 years headed in the right direction. Well done you !! :dance:
 
cpuusage

cpuusage

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Sep 25, 2012
Messages
37,660
Location
Planet Lunatic Asylum
#20
Yes, 15 years headed in the right direction. Well done you !! :dance:
Thanks. It's tough. Dual disorders (addiction & diagnosed mental illness) are Not easy to more fully resolve.

Life doesn't stop. It's very hard to access anything that caters to dual diagnosis. Myriad challenges appear.

People drop dead all the time around addiction / recovery circles, all sorts goes on. It is worth it however.

For all it's imperfections there is also very much a very strong fellowship with people in recovery - millions Globally. There are also some others dealing with various other diagnosed mental health conditions / difficulties.

i've Not done a formal meeting in some 9 years, But am around recovery circles. i have met some very interesting people through it all, & continue to do so.

Some peoples stories are truly miraculous. For a lot of people i think it is a long term thing, it takes time & a lot of work to deal with certain things. It's psychologically & emotionally very difficult for a lot of people, & many fall by the wayside. i do intend on sticking with it all.
 
Thread starter Similar threads Forum Replies Date
P Schizophrenia Forum 4
J Schizophrenia Forum 9

Similar threads