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Bad HOCD, Social Anxiety and Delusions (Auditory Hallucinations, Paranoia). Please help if you can.

B

BeatOCD

New member
Joined
Feb 11, 2020
Messages
2
Location
USA
I wanted to tell my story. First off, I do believe HOCD is a real thing because I developed normal OCD in my teens, around 12. At first, I just had intrusive thoughts about family and all kinds of things surrounding perfection.

Around 15, this girl said she thought I was kinda gay because I was too nice. I didn't know how to process it and it started to affect me. It really hurt me. Time went on and I started to date girls but got heavily into porn and drugs.

It caused severe stress and around 22, I became very paranoid from years of pot and alcohol abuse.

I started having some paranoia and had another incident similar to the one with the girl but this time it was these other kids I went to HS talking about another kid. I started questioning if they were talking about me.

I am 30 and I still have it. I will be sitting in my room and hear voices in the distance sometimes say "yeah he a phag" "he likes men" and all kinds of crazy stuff like that. I would be out in public and literally thinking this person is calling me gay or challenging my manhood. I would be checking my surroundings everywhere I went. I started to have horrible social anxiety in my early 20's and the paranoia was so bad, I didn't trust me. This started to make me look socially awkward.

This went on for years and while I did pretty damn good dealing with it, it really took a toll. It is ridiculous looking back on it but it a serious problem.

This is all from the paranoia mixed with the trauma. I have a degree in psychology and with countless hours of studying mental health both in the classroom and out of it, I realize, this disorder can be beaten. I have a high sex drive and always watched girls in porn, mostly lesbian porn involving no men. However, at one time, I got into women being humiliated in porn having sex. This was really bad because it was from years of porn addiction.

I never wanted to be with a guy and never found them to be attractive. I don't have a good relationship due to this and have to pay down students loans and probably this horrible paranoia shit. I have never had a serious fulfilling relationship and this is a huge part of the HOCD (from low self-esteem). When you have low self-esteem, you constantly question yourself especially when you have low self-esteem and any form of mental health (anxiety, OCD).

I have a small business making good money but can't hold a job due to the paranoia. I graduated six years ago and quit multiple jobs. In fact at one job, one kid who was so threatened by me, a person most likely suffering from NPD tried to spread rumors that I liked men. I walked into the office the first time and the kid glanced at me. I looked back because I am not afraid and here to do a job. I didn't even know this kid and found out he was jealous of me because a few other girls like me. I ended up beating him at his own game and he got fired and a lot of people turned against him especially his only true friend who realized he was a liar. I ended up quitting that job as well.

I mean, it is stupid stuff like this that made it worse but at the same time this experience made me realize, that I shouldn't worry about stupid stuff like this.

Luckily, my business is expanding and I am getting into other ventures, so some good things are starting to finally happen. The good thing is, it has gotten better over the last 18 months from some E.M.D.R therapy.

The main culprit of HOCD for me is not being able to find a long happy relationship with a good girl. I know this stuff but it just sucks because I believe I crave a nice girl. It makes you start to question yourself when you have paranoia and gone through some of this shit. I tried quite few times and often went for narcissistic women and borderline types from online dating and other girls. I now continue to go to the strip club or pay women for sex.

I am paranoia as hell some people perceive me to be gay due to my pretty boy looks and the horrible social anxiety I was exhibiting for a long time. I also had those bad occurrences. I even had intrusive thoughts that some people were plotting against me which a few times they were. Mostly, it was just paranoia though.

Does anyone know of what else can be done to reduce these symptoms? I was thinking about Anti-psychotics but I tried them and they have horrible side-effects.


This probably is bad HOCD with psychotic features making it even worse. I am aware of the delusions and CBD does help a lot. I noticed a big improvement within the last 18 months or so and getting older seems to make a difference as well.

The truth is, I know I like girls. I think I am afraid I am not capable of having a healthy relationship (due to childhood divorce) and the fear of being perceived as gay, and correlating that with being feminine since I had boyish looks.

Also the genetics for generalized anxiety and paranoia that run in my family play a huge role as well as the drug abuse of marijuana and alcohol from 15 to about 21.

I am 5’11’’ and athletic and could always box so I am not completely feminine but I meant I have a youngish looking face and have gotten some crap for this.

I am wondering if anyone else had these auditory hallucinations delusions co-occuring with HOCD? The hallucinations always relate to my fear of being perceived as gay and nothing else. What have you done about it and how long has it been going on for?

This situation has improved but has not completely gone away yet. Are there any support groups for this kind of this; I am searching but am having trouble finding one that pertains to this. I am also paranoid someone I know would be in the support group.
 
G

grentthealien

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 6, 2019
Messages
88
Location
Canada
I wanted to tell my story. First off, I do believe HOCD is a real thing because I developed normal OCD in my teens, around 12. At first, I just had intrusive thoughts about family and all kinds of things surrounding perfection.

Around 15, this girl said she thought I was kinda gay because I was too nice. I didn't know how to process it and it started to affect me. It really hurt me. Time went on and I started to date girls but got heavily into porn and drugs.

It caused severe stress and around 22, I became very paranoid from years of pot and alcohol abuse.

I started having some paranoia and had another incident similar to the one with the girl but this time it was these other kids I went to HS talking about another kid. I started questioning if they were talking about me.

I am 30 and I still have it. I will be sitting in my room and hear voices in the distance sometimes say "yeah he a phag" "he likes men" and all kinds of crazy stuff like that. I would be out in public and literally thinking this person is calling me gay or challenging my manhood. I would be checking my surroundings everywhere I went. I started to have horrible social anxiety in my early 20's and the paranoia was so bad, I didn't trust me. This started to make me look socially awkward.

This went on for years and while I did pretty damn good dealing with it, it really took a toll. It is ridiculous looking back on it but it a serious problem.

This is all from the paranoia mixed with the trauma. I have a degree in psychology and with countless hours of studying mental health both in the classroom and out of it, I realize, this disorder can be beaten. I have a high sex drive and always watched girls in porn, mostly lesbian porn involving no men. However, at one time, I got into women being humiliated in porn having sex. This was really bad because it was from years of porn addiction.

I never wanted to be with a guy and never found them to be attractive. I don't have a good relationship due to this and have to pay down students loans and probably this horrible paranoia shit. I have never had a serious fulfilling relationship and this is a huge part of the HOCD (from low self-esteem). When you have low self-esteem, you constantly question yourself especially when you have low self-esteem and any form of mental health (anxiety, OCD).

I have a small business making good money but can't hold a job due to the paranoia. I graduated six years ago and quit multiple jobs. In fact at one job, one kid who was so threatened by me, a person most likely suffering from NPD tried to spread rumors that I liked men. I walked into the office the first time and the kid glanced at me. I looked back because I am not afraid and here to do a job. I didn't even know this kid and found out he was jealous of me because a few other girls like me. I ended up beating him at his own game and he got fired and a lot of people turned against him especially his only true friend who realized he was a liar. I ended up quitting that job as well.

I mean, it is stupid stuff like this that made it worse but at the same time this experience made me realize, that I shouldn't worry about stupid stuff like this.

Luckily, my business is expanding and I am getting into other ventures, so some good things are starting to finally happen. The good thing is, it has gotten better over the last 18 months from some E.M.D.R therapy.

The main culprit of HOCD for me is not being able to find a long happy relationship with a good girl. I know this stuff but it just sucks because I believe I crave a nice girl. It makes you start to question yourself when you have paranoia and gone through some of this shit. I tried quite few times and often went for narcissistic women and borderline types from online dating and other girls. I now continue to go to the strip club or pay women for sex.

I am paranoia as hell some people perceive me to be gay due to my pretty boy looks and the horrible social anxiety I was exhibiting for a long time. I also had those bad occurrences. I even had intrusive thoughts that some people were plotting against me which a few times they were. Mostly, it was just paranoia though.

Does anyone know of what else can be done to reduce these symptoms? I was thinking about Anti-psychotics but I tried them and they have horrible side-effects.


This probably is bad HOCD with psychotic features making it even worse. I am aware of the delusions and CBD does help a lot. I noticed a big improvement within the last 18 months or so and getting older seems to make a difference as well.

The truth is, I know I like girls. I think I am afraid I am not capable of having a healthy relationship (due to childhood divorce) and the fear of being perceived as gay, and correlating that with being feminine since I had boyish looks.

Also the genetics for generalized anxiety and paranoia that run in my family play a huge role as well as the drug abuse of marijuana and alcohol from 15 to about 21.

I am 5’11’’ and athletic and could always box so I am not completely feminine but I meant I have a youngish looking face and have gotten some crap for this.

I am wondering if anyone else had these auditory hallucinations delusions co-occuring with HOCD? The hallucinations always relate to my fear of being perceived as gay and nothing else. What have you done about it and how long has it been going on for?

This situation has improved but has not completely gone away yet. Are there any support groups for this kind of this; I am searching but am having trouble finding one that pertains to this. I am also paranoid someone I know would be in the support group.
Tbh I could relate to some of this at one point in time, but at 23 it’s the least of my worries. I struggle to form meaningful relationships with women still, but that’s neither here nor there. I’ve grown a lot since I was 14 and if I by some miraculous circumstance tomorrow I found out I was gay it would not cause that much distress. I’m not morally, spiritually or politically inclined to reprimand it so I’d have no problem accepting it on that front. To boot I have a supportive family who would love me either way so literally nothing would be at consequence except for my own ego.

As far as I’m concerned the way out is through. With any intrusive thoughts you have to create a separation from your self & the thoughts. View each thought as white noise or the silent screams of the universe moving within you as it sorts itself out. Let thoughts come & let them go while acknowledging them as just another experience. Do not attach positive or negative emotions to these thoughts just let them be. Once you’ve done that at least in my experience they no longer have much if any power over you.

Easier said than done , but like with any habit forming activity it most be accomplished with time. A useful tool to practice this in my opinion is meditation it very much practices the mindfulness approach that CBT normally does anyway. It sounds cliche , but at least in my experience I have found meditation helpful.

Now you seem to also indicate that there might be a psychotic or at least hallucinogenic component to this all which is something I can’t say I’ve experienced. If you believe this to be the case I recommend seeking secondary medical opinions if you haven’t done so already.
 
B

BeatOCD

New member
Joined
Feb 11, 2020
Messages
2
Location
USA
Now you seem to also indicate that there might be a psychotic or at least hallucinogenic component to this all which is something I can’t say I’ve experienced. If you believe this to be the case I recommend seeking secondary medical opinions if you haven’t done so already. [/QUOTE said:
Yeah I have tried anti-psychotics a few times. I really hated the shit. I am not full psychotic, never had been. I do have some psychosis though and the auditory hallucinations just say that shit. I don't get it all the time and it is always in the background. I used to be very paranoid around people for several years especially after a bad legal even I beat. I do appreciate your help. Letting the thoughts and or perceived background noise come and go is important. I realize the more power you give this crap, it has over you. Otherwise, it starts to become better. Thanks.
 
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