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Zero One

Zero One

Well-known member
Joined
May 19, 2020
Messages
919
Location
United States
Happy to hear your children did well in school. Sorry to hear about what happened later.
 
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Nina998

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 31, 2019
Messages
249
Location
Finland
Tomorrow's a video appointment with my cpn. I've tried to make a bullet point list but I feel like I am missing so many details. I have to think these things through otherwise I forget to mention them and the appointment would be just waste of time. I am not sure if I want psychiatrist's consultation if that means putting me back to anti-depressant. I only want my depression be treated with ECT but I am not there yet. Though my last treatment in November ended because it didn't make a difference anymore.
 
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Nina998

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 31, 2019
Messages
249
Location
Finland
I purchased a brand new car today. It will be delivered from a factory some day next week. I am excited but then again, I don't feel that excitement. I feel nothing. I am numb. But the car is pretty awesome.

I had a good conversation with my cpn yesterday. She honored my wish not to consult my psychiatrist. I mean not just yet. I know what to do if things get really bad. ECT is not available during Covid crisis but I made my point that I only want to be treated with ECT. Because nothing else has worked for depression, self-harm and suicidal thoughts.

My meltdown last week has helped a little with anxiety and stress. I now understand to lower my standards and that it is okay because I am not okay.
 
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Nina998

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 31, 2019
Messages
249
Location
Finland
I can't feel anything but anxiety. I am so so tired. I am too exhausted to write more.
 
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Nina998

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 31, 2019
Messages
249
Location
Finland
I didn't drink last night because I decided to quit alcohol because it only makes depression worse. But I can't do this anxiety so I am getting drunk fourth time this week. I really want to stop this so I guess I move on to some other coping methods like self-harm or abusing drugs. This is just horrible.
 
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Nina998

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 31, 2019
Messages
249
Location
Finland
This was the birthday weekend. Both of my girls's friends were here on Saturday and Sunday. I did quite good job on reducing stress that led to much less anxiety. Now there shouldn't be anything to stress about in two weeks. That might influence my depression positively. Maybe this summer won't be that bad. I see my moods are swinging all the time.

I did something brave earlier this week. I told my parents a truth about current situation when they asked. They know about my condition but still it's hard for me to tell the truth face to face. My father was very supportive. He made sure I have a plan if things get really bad. He also asked me not to overdose if things go south.

Sometimes I wish I was depressed because it's much easier to understand than being okay. I've been depressed and anxious since I was 11 years old (35 now) so it's my normal. Being okay is not normal to me and it's so scary. Does this make any sense? What if I wasn't hospitalized this summer? I would be terrified.
 
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Nina998

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 31, 2019
Messages
249
Location
Finland
I am not sure where I'm at right now. My mood swings during the day. I have a busy day coming tomorrow and it's not doing good to my stress level. I was doing well earlier today but then this voice in my head started to scream "this is too much", "I can't take anymore", "I can't deal with this" and so on and so on.

I am going away with the kids for weekend. We are going to my parents' summer cabin.
 
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Nina998

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 31, 2019
Messages
249
Location
Finland
I am afraid. My girls are going away to a summer cabin with some relatives. They will be away 1-2 weeks. I am left home with my hubby and teenager son. So totally useless. I am afraid I will dwell in depression. Someone would say I could rest now that the girls are away but I don't need rest. It will just make everything worse.
 
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Nina998

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 31, 2019
Messages
249
Location
Finland
I am hurting so much. I fell apart yesterday when I got home from the cabin. I had smiled and laughed all weekend and was all chatty and everything that I am not at the moment. So when I got home I couldn't help crying and feeling horrible after trying so hard all weekend.

Today I've been so angry and depressed. I had a dream again about raging and crying and attacking my husband. I have no means to express anger so I hurt so much. I am so angry it hurts physically. I don't know where this anger comes from but I've been building it up all my life. Self-harm is a way to push this anger away.
 
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Nina998

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 31, 2019
Messages
249
Location
Finland
I am so angry I am literally shaking. I don't know how to express it. This is not doing good to my depression.
 
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Nina998

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 31, 2019
Messages
249
Location
Finland
Everything is just so overwhelming. I am so tired. Days like today I don't get anything done. Even standing or sitting is too much. Alcohol and meds are my only way out. I have been using a lot. I don't eat because I don't have appetite or I am just too tired to eat.

I make bad decicions. I get so drunk that nothing good comes out of it. This world is just too much for me right now. I am not suicidal yet but sure know what to do if that happens.

I wish this summer was over. Things will get ugly by July. I know it.
 
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Nina998

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 31, 2019
Messages
249
Location
Finland
This self-medicating with alcohol has to stop. I am making so bad choices they could ruin my life. It has to stop complitely. It might mean I will take more meds but I guess that's better than alcohol.
 
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Nina998

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 31, 2019
Messages
249
Location
Finland
To be honest... a horrible hangover day. Did something pretty stupid last night. Fucked up real bad. I am actually relieved of my decicion to stop drinking. This time I am serious about this. Have to find some other ways to deal with anxiety and bad days. (Yes we know other ways mean meds but that's less of an evil.)
 
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